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Saturday, 23 September 2017

Sir Gavin And The Green Dragon

Sir Gavin And The Green Dragon

A post Alpha Warriors Story

Alexander Gordon Jahans

At a quiet backwater bar somewhere near Miami, Viola Hitchcock was sat at a table drinking lager with her colleagues. She was dressed in the same formal style of suit as the mostly white men round the table but her youth and long blonde hair marked her out from her colleagues.

A man in a three piece green suit entered the bar. “Diet coke and whiskey. Pepsi, not coca cola.”

Viola went to the bar to order her round.

The man at the bar sniffed the air then turned to her with a smile. “Peppermint and Fosters? I approve of your taste.

Viola snorted. “Are trying to chat me up by complementing my choice of lager?”

He looked to her and smiled. “It was not my intention but I would not be upset if it succeeded in such a manner.”

Viola looked him up and down. “Interesting choice of dress.”

“We all have uniforms detective.” said the strange man with a smile.

Viola smirked and bit her lip. “Am I that obvious?”

“You call me the Farsh-nuke.” said the strange man reaching out an open palm.

Viola laughed and shook his hand. “Viola Hitchcock, you know I’m going to run a full background check on you.”

“I would expect no less.” said the Farsh-nuke with a slight smile. “Shall we stick with the foreplay or jump straight to the handcuffs?”

Viola grinned. “You are impossible.”

“So I’m told.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Get me a diet coke, no alcohol.” said Viola. “You can join me and my colleagues. If they’re certain you’re not a serial killer then who knows.”

The Farsh-nuke laughed.


The next morning the Farsh-nuke was lying naked between silk sheets and Viola was approaching his bed and handed him a couple of slices of buttered toast and a strong mug of coffee.

“Hey...” said the Farsh-nuke with a grin.

“Hey...” said Viola, smiling back.

“You are a very lovely woman you know?” said the Farsh-nuke cheerfully, his brain still booting.

“So I’m told.” said Viola with a smile. “Curious thing I noticed when I went to check your records, you don’t have any.”

“So, handcuffs after all?” asked the Farsh-nuke with a put upon frown.

“No.” said Viola, backing off to stand by the doorway, looking shapely and feminine, even as her training kicked in. “I didn’t exactly expect to find anything for the name Farsh-nuke and obviously access to dna and fingerprints is somewhat limited without probable cause. I’d just like to know the truth if I may? I can understand if you don’t trust the FBI and I’m not in a hurry to turn you into the ICE if you are an illegal immigrant.”

The Farsh-nuke smiled then he said. “Get your gun, make sure it’s loaded and take whatever other precautions with me to ensure you are safe.”

“Do I need to?” asked Viola, the shrewd professional breaking through the veneer of casual intimacy.

The Farsh-nuke chuckled but controlled his movements carefully. “That’s not for me to say. I will tell you the truth, as much as matters to you. I’m not sure how much you’ll believe but that’s your problem. I do feel however that I do not want you to feel any more distressed than you absolutely have to be by my presence in your life.”

Viola nodded, kept watching the Farsh-nuke and walked over to a wall safe behind a painting and after a moment was armed with a pistol. “Okay then, talk.”

“Okay, I am going to tell you some things that may be distressing but it’s probably important that you listen to everything I have to say before you react. I don’t want you getting in trouble because you wouldn’t let me finish explaining.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Noted.” said Viola coldly.

“Point 1. Yes, I was a serial killer, a cannibal specifically, gets a bit messy on the details but yes I am arguably a threat.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“I’m taking the safety off now.” said Viola calmly.

“Understandable.” said the Farsh-nuke genially. “Point 2. I am an illegal immigrant but I am an illegal immigrant to your universe. You won’t believe me and that’s fine but you won’t find any record of me because I don’t exist within this universe.”

“Great, you’re mad.” said Viola flatly.

“Point 3. I care about you because I sort of have a thing for seducing blondes. I’m trying to quit but I still can’t help feeling affection for you and a desire to protect you.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“And a creep, marvellous.” said Viola with the same flat delivery.

“Point 4. I wouldn’t have advised you get armed if I didn’t know it would do almost nothing to me.” said the Farsh-nuke. “I like you and I want you to be calm and happy but I don’t actually have a death wish.”

“So what are you then?” asked Viola.

“You might want to put to gun down or at least put the safety back on, these are awful nice sheets and I wouldn’t want you to ruin them unduly.” said the Farsh-nuke. “But I can show you what I am.”

Viola stared. “Then show me.”

The Farsh-nuke grinned and as he smiled his skin colour changed, his bone structure altered and his teeth grew. His changed into a green dragon.

“What did you drug me with?” asked Viola.

The Farsh-nuke chuckled. “I gave that up. You’re looking at the truth.”

“I’ve read too much Thomas Harris.” said Viola.

“Bah, Hannibal’s an amateur.” said the Farsh-nuke with a grin.

Viola’s phone bleeped.

“That’s my alarm for work. I gotta go.” said Viola, still looking down her pistol at the Farsh-nuke.

“I could help?” suggested the Farsh-nuke.

“Yeah, because that’s going to happen.” said Viola.

“Well your options are 1. Shoot me. Which won’t work and might get you in trouble. 2. Arrest me which won’t work because I don’t exist in your universe and your evidence is a confession combined with things nobody will believe. 3. Release me when I have confessed.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Can you transform for my boss?” asked Viola.

“Of course.” said the Farsh-nuke with a genial smile. “I have nothing to fear from the FBI.”

“Can you turn back now then?” asked Viola.

“Just so.” said the Farsh-nuke, changing back to an impression of relative humanity.

“Well it’s certainly impressive, whatever you’re doing.” said Viola.

“Telling the truth.” said the Farsh-nuke. “Just telling the truth.”

“Then get dressed.” said Viola.


“What is he doing here?” asked Bert Ingram, a tall thick set latino man in a black suit.

“You wouldn’t believe me.” said Viola. “I’ll explain later but he says he might be able to help.”

The Farsh-nuke stood in his green suit looking at where an old white man had being strung up by a noose from a lamp post, his cock and balls cut off and rammed into his mouth. A confederate flag was tattooed into the man’s chest.

The Farsh-nuke was grinning like a kid in a candy store. “We’re dealing with a vigilante.”

“Oh, truly, what an amazing intellect you have bought to help here.” said Bert.

The Farsh-nuke chuckled and turned back to Bert. “Oh I’ll catch him for you but I’m not actually here for that. Is there somewhere we can talk.”

Bert looked to Viola.

Viola nodded.

“Alright...” said Bert and he led the Farsh-nuke over to a trailer where the forensics team changed into their clean suits.

Bert opened the door and glowered at the people inside and they hurried out. Bert looked to the Farsh-nuke.

The Farsh-nuke graciously entered followed by Viola then Bert.

“So what is it you need to tell me?” asked Bert.

“I’m a former serial killer from a different universe who has no records in this one, bullets can’t stop me and I mean you no harm. Also I’m a dragon. A green one.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Is this some kind of joke?” asked Bert.

Viola shrugged. “I thought he must have just been fucking with me but he did do do something that might be proof if you can see it too.”

“See what?” asked Bert.

So the Farsh-nuke transformed.

“Well fuck.” said Bert.

“At your service.” said the Farsh-nuke, bowing.

“Can you like fly?” asked Bert.

“I can do a lot more than just fly.” said the Farsh-nuke and he blew out a small puff of green fire.

“And you say you’re bullet proof.” said Bert.

“Well, strong healing ability.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“And you’re on our side?” asked Bert.

“I like Viola.” said the Farsh-nuke with a smile. “She’s cute and funny.”

Bert nodded then he looked to Viola. “Do you have a problem with this man?”

“Well he said he was a serial killer.” said Viola.

“I know.” said Bert with a shrug. “But aside from what he’s told me, how do you feel about him?”

Viola shrugged. “We spent the night together and he’s nice enough but I’m not going to argue for him if that’s what you’re thinking?”

“But he’s alright?” asked Bert. “You have no reason beyond what he’s said to suggest we treat him with contempt or care?”

“Not really no. He’s just a strange man who can seemingly become a dragon.” said Viola.

Bert looked to the Farsh-nuke. “Are you prepared to be interviewed and processed to see if we can find anything on you? If we can prove your story one way or another?”

“Sure.” said the Farsh-nuke with a genial grin.


3 hours later the Farsh-nuke sat in an interview room as Viola reentered the room.

“Well, they can’t find anything on you.” said Viola. “Looks like your story checks out. You are an alien to our records. Are prepared to be listed as an American citizen?”

“I prefer Britain but I have no great problem with being American.” said the Farsh-nuke. “Though my writer may struggle to keep up. Bit parochial that boy.”

Viola smirked. “Right, the keystream, you said. He finds me hot?”

“Probably, I mean I do. We’re similar but different.” said the Farsh-nuke.

“You are so bizarre.” said Viola with a smile then she looked at the Farsh-nuke with interest. “Why did you come here? Why did you tell us the truth? I mean you’ve done nothing wrong inside our universe, if your story is true, why go through all this?”

“Well why not?” asked the Farsh-nuke. “I’m on holiday, rest leave from my part in the great multiverse war. I went to bar, I saw a hot chick and old habits die hard.”

“And yet I remain collar free and fully aware of my sensibilities.” said Viola. “If all this was you falling off the wagon why aren’t I wrapped around your little finger?”

“Character development?” suggested the Farsh-nuke.

“Bullshit.” said Viola cheerfully. “You want me, I can see it in your eyes.”

The Farsh-nuke nodded then he sighed, looking away. “Things happened while I was away, bad things, complicated things. I want to begin again, I need to begin again but I’m not the same.”

“And these things are why I get to remain Miss Independent?” asked Viola.

“You say that as though you have no say in things?” said the Farsh-nuke compassionately.

Viola blushed and forced herself to look the Farsh-nuke in his emerald green eyes. “I really don’t think I do. I felt it last night too, this pull like gravity. I feel like I want to please you, like just looking at you I want to kneel before you and bow my head.”

“Then go.” said the Farsh-nuke. “Get away from me while you still can. I didn’t intend for this.”

“No, I like it.” said Viola smiling. “I’m not stupid, I would kill you if I had to but if I don’t then I think I like being with you.”

The Farsh-nuke chuckled and he shook his head. “You don’t want to be with me, you want the calm of defeat. The serenity of submitting before a powerful being. I’m not that.”

“But you want to be.” said Viola with a grin.

“I want a great many things.” said the Farsh-nuke. “I’m not playing this game.”

Viola sighed and leaned back. “So what do you want?”

The Farsh-nuke shrugged. “A world free from Elder Gods and Sylphs. A world where women are badass, men aren’t total dicks and politics is just a choice between two bland alternatives of Meh.”

Viola nodded. “I think Bert wants to weaponise you. Lots of uses for a man with no name.”

The Farsh-nuke smiled. “So long as he aims me well I have no problem with that. Serial killers are a quiet reprieve from multiversal politics.”

“Anything you need?” asked Viola. “Beyond Diet Coke, Whiskey and access the best and brightest young women Miami has to offer.”

“I did not ask for that last one.” said the Farsh-nuke irritably.

Viola smirked. “Tough.”

The Farsh-nuke sighed then he leaned back. “Well there is one thing?”

Viola nodded. “Anything?”

“I need the number of a good leftwing psychotherapist, preferably a white man. Feminists scare me.” said the Farsh-nuke.

Viola nodded. “Got some issues then?”

“A few...” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Well I’ll see what I can find out. I might be able to find someone who can suit your particular sensibilities.” said Viola.

The next day the Farsh-nuke was shaking hands with a tall skinny white man with a scruffy beard, a brown cardigan and jeans.

“Sir Gavin Burr, at your service.” said the young man.

The Farsh-nuke shook Gavin’s hand and smiled, looking into his sapphire blue eyes.


The racist ran through the concrete jungle. “Fucking cuck! Why won’t you leave me alone?”

“Stop running and I will be merciful, Adam.” said Gavin as he bought the lasso up from his waist, striding calmly after the white man.

“You’re insane!” cried the racist, throwing back a look.

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and you are a nazi aren’t you Adam?” said Gavin, striding after his prey calmly.

“Yeah, I’m a member of the Alt-Right, what of it? Freedom of speech, man! Freedom of speech!” cried the racist.

“The Genocidal surrender all rights.” said Gavin as he readied his lasso. “You would pose an existential threat to the human race. You are a cancer and there is only one cure for for cancer.”

The racist came to the end of a cul de sac and looked back to Gavin in panic as the predator approached calmly.

“Hush now...” said Gavin as threw the lasso.

The lasso fell about the racist’s neck then it was pulled taught, suffocating the racist and pulling him to the ground.

“Now are you going to be a good little boy worthy of mercy or do I need to humiliate you as you die?” asked Gavin.

The racist spat in Gavin’s face.

“So be it.” said Gavin, pulling out a knife.


Gavin broke off the handshake and asked. “What are you thinking about?”

“That you may be of more help to me than I first realised.” said the Farsh-nuke with a grin.

“Shall we begin then?” asked Gavin.

“Well why not?” said the Farsh-nuke gleefully as he took a seat.

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