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Friday, 8 September 2017

Rule Beta 7

I have been and am in a very bad, no good, place at the moment. Three years of bullshit has finally drenched me and I am left panting for air as my mind is caught on a maelstrom of guilt, bitterness, rage and regret. It's okay though the Down And Safe Blakes 7 podcast is acting as a relaxing and very handy distraction. I am safe and surviving as I process this trauma.

One thing I am realizing though is that the core problem I face at the moment is that the fundamental duality of my nature as a writer has never stood alone before. Yes, I am a feminist and a misogynist. A social progressive and a problematic white male. That's fine. That friction and conflict gives my writing spice and tension.  The problem is that I currently have nothing in my life apart from my fiction.

I am a plate spinner and a bullet dodger. I juggle projects and people and my brain delights in the complexity and challenge. I have gotten weak, lazy. I have cut back and cutback and now all I have left is the overwhelming toxicity of a habit I cannot quit that makes me despise myself. I am a writer and writing gives me life and purpose but I am a shitty problematic writer and the worst part is I know it. I know exactly how much of an arsehole I am and I can't stop it. Not really.

So I'm going to start pecking away at that mountain again. I'm going to try and play the game of capitalism again. I will fail. I will fail over and over. time after time and I will hate and rage against it but because I'll have the system to rage against I hopefully won't tear the stuffing out of myself as much.

The Farsh-nuke is coming back and I am finishing my stories but I am getting back in the game. So yeah, sorry peeps, I am a misogynistic, transphobic,  xenophobic, anti-Semitic self loathing social progressive who knows exactly how much of a shite hole he is and tries hard to counter his darkness but you probably shouldn't consider my blog as safe space, especially if you are a misogynistic, transphobic, xenophobic anti-Semite because if the Farsh-nuke stands for anything, it's that sometimes monsters are useful weapons in the fight against other monsters. I am not the Farsh-nuke, I am not as impressive, powerful, or as useful as he is but while there is breath left in my body I pledge my life, mind and words in service of a leftwing feminist utopia, even if I would not be welcome in it.

And yeah, I'm not particularly well. Good memories aren't always so great. the stings stand out, the data is easily lost.