I Can Get Back Up Now
Alexander Gordon Jahans
For two years now I have been down for the count and waiting for the final blow. Everything had gone wrong at once and everything proceeded to get worse. If I wasn’t waiting for a literal death I was waiting for a spiritual death, a metaphysical rebirth as some different.
Two years on I am different. More jaded, more cynical, more aware of my own flaws and physically a very different man.
The world is a different place. There is tension yet hope. Pandora’s box has been opened and everything has changed. Neoliberalism is not dead but it is no longer an immortal behemoth. It is bleeding and we can kill it.
I am close to upgrading my machine. VR is legitimately a possibility to look forward to and not an impossible dream.
I have attained, I am in the process of attaining, closure for my past sins.
I am older wiser and in a very different place psychologically but I think what has finally let me regain my strength is that I have gone full circle and regained my lost faith. I am achieving closure with my favourite Doctor and the BBC Books await.
University was good for me. University was great for me but like a convention, the experience is so wonderful that reality is hard to adjust to. Doctor Who was there for me in my wilderness years and it helped me gain the direction and strength to make it to college and university. Going back to that well, revisiting that forsaken messiah has restored my confidence.
I have been so defensive, so angry, so scary because all I have been is reactive instinct. A dying creature lashing out in the only way it knows. My Doctor was the man who fought the monsters, the manipulator who made deals with death and stared long into the abyss. After staring into the abyss myself and hating what I have done revisiting that old mentor has been good for me.
Yeah, I fucked up, I fucked up bad, good people got hurt and good people hate me for it. I handled it poorly. I probably still am in the process of handling it poorly by some definitions. I fucked up and I’m sorry. That doesn’t make it better. That doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t excuse or explain it. I will have to live with that stain upon my character for the rest of my days but I will live with it because I have to continue because I have to go on.
But as my Doctor faces his regeneration into a more human traveller so I must put aside the arrogant assertion that I am the champion to fight the world’s monsters. I’m 25 and I have a life to start living. No more scraping buy, no more pretending like everything I’m doing is part of some higher purpose or angsting about the most optimal way to spend my time. I’ll still write, I’ll still read, I may still make videos but I’m going to take a break once this novel is out. I have people I want to talk to, books and comic books I want to read, films I want to watch. All the frivolous stuff I couldn’t allow myself otherwise.
So yeah, I can get back up now. It’s been hell and I’ve been an arse but I have learned a lot and you know what? That’s okay. It wasn’t all bad. There were some great great moments and I made some videos I’m proud of and some stories I’m still proud of. Things are okay and they’re going to be better.