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Saturday, 10 June 2017

Extremis

Extremis

A Bloggage
By
Alexander Gordon Jahans


As a write this the Conservatives are still in power despite a hung parliament because they have gone into coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party. A small ultra right Northern Ireland party whose policy positions could perhaps best be summed up as: WRONG AND EVIL

The DUP are misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, climate change denying, religious, racist, xenophobic, terrorists. Even the Trump core of white supremacists at least claim some sort of international solidarity with white nationalist fellows. The DUP just have to eat babies and hunt kittens for sport and they can complete their transformation into abhorrent monsters in flesh suits. Next to them, Donald Trump -A man so predatory the head of the fucking FBI did want want to left alone in a room with him. -  looks like a fucking Neoliberal.

So yeah... As votes go this did not have a fantastic result. All that hope and progress achieving a hung parliament and it turns out we’ve made Adolf Hitler so scared he’s summoning in Yog Sohoth to remain in power. This is not good to say the fucking least. It’s like finding out your abusive father was so scared by your attempts to call in the police he’s now strapping a bomb to your genitals to ensure your future compliance.

Yet I am happy. Firstly you need to remember that the conservative party on its own is so full of rebellious backbenchers that David Cameron called Brexit in a misguided attempt to keep his party in line when it had a much larger majority. Theresa May now has a majority of 2 thanks to the aid of ten monstrous shitebags. Oh and Brexit has yet to be resolved and there’s still the small issue of Scottish Independence to deal with. Theresa May has clung narrowly to power but in doing so she has built her parliament on a foundation of gunpowder and dry tindling as two great fires approach. The monsters may have won but in so doing they have trapped themselves in a situation that is about to go very bad very quickly while Jeremy Corbyn quietly makes plans and builds support to step in and take over when the dust has settled on her self destructive clusterfuck of a coalition.

The next thing you need to realise is that I am not a socialist. I am a classic capitalist. I don’t want anyone to feel comfortable in power. I want all the greedy, lazy, self interested shits to work for their power. I feared revolution and bloodshed because I saw a stupid, arrogant establishment too powerful to be opposed peacefully. That is no longer the case. This is what the ‘unelectable’ Jeremy Corbyn has achieved in just two years with massive media bias against him and even hios own party working against him. 70% of the young voted in this election and they radically altered the balance of power.

We may have failed to gain power so far but we have achieved something far more important. We have ended the complacency of the establishment. We have ended the assumption of neoliberalism eternal. We have pricked the side of Rupert Murdoch and as he comes for us we embarrass and further wound him, letting his empire bleed out. We have not won the battle nor have we won the war but the enemy are mortally wounded and we have shown that we have the strength to destroy them and we absolutely will not stop no matter what bullshit spin they try.

I feel like the Farsh-nuke in that story Downfall that I wrote and published recently. The enemy has won. They have humiliated and scared me, they rub salt in my wounds even as I have nothing left in my life but tiredness and pain. Yet I know their victory was cheap, their victory may have been devastating but it works once and I have time on my side. See the question is not if the empire of the enemy will fall. The question is not if my suffering will end. The question is when. I may be trapped and I may be doomed to a life of uncertainty and pain but I can endure because I know that this is not about me. Humanity itself is turning against the enemy and the enemy will be destroyed. So I can wait.

Another reason I can endure is that I have made peace with myself and the pain that is part of me. I hate myself because I feel like I should view and write women in a more feminist manner. I hate myself because I want to be a good man and I fear that I am not, that my kinks mean that I am not. What I have come to understand is that this hatred, this self loathing, it is part of who I am, it is part of what makes my kinks so pleasurable. I may not be a good man. I may actually be a very cold and cruel sadistic misogynist on some fundamental psychological level. What I understand though is that this negativity will never define me or my actions. I may only do good things because I have rules. I may only treat women with respect and understanding and fight for their liberty and equality out of a desire to conform, a fear of their judgement and a need to abide by my own sense of right and wrong but I will do so.

All this negativity I have about myself. It’s just how I cope. And it makes my fantasies all the sweeter even as they are increasingly mundane and boring. Even the pain in my feet which drives me to madness on occasion has freed me from my bedroom by making any distance walked just as painful as the walk to the bathroom in the morning. I don’t mind that it hurts, indeed I have learned to gain power from the pain of my existence. Even the thing that brings me most shame and cannot be solved, the Kallman’s syndrome induced underdevelopment of a critical part of me. Even that cloud I find has an unexpected silver lining that I shall spare you the details of.

I expected that the election would be my death. It has instead been my rebirth as I have come to understand just who and what I am and why that is not going anywhere. In extremis I am revealed for my true self at last and I am not as weak as I thought.