Die Another Day
Alexander Gordon Jahans
First up apologies for typos. I am writing this while very tired and very drunk.
So, real talk, I expected to be dead as I type this, or to be desperately thinking up excuses not to die. I have had two years of jobless limbo. 2 years of emasculation, uncertainty, bullshit, nazi stalkers and depression over inability to get a job. Everyday I experience pain and tiredness. I was ready to die. Theresa May’s reelection was just the last gasp, the last aborted hope to be hurdled. The last chance to be ticked off before I gave up and let shit go so bad that suicide was inevitable.
Except Theresa May didn’t win. Now granted Jeremy Corbyn is not Prime Minister yet but make no mistake the ‘unelectable’ has come amazingly far given his chances were so shite the tories expected a landslide to devastate the electorate. He faced infighting, media bias and less time than Ed Milliband and he played a fucking blinder of a game. Now even if the conservatives remain in power they do son with great fragility and compromise.
I expected to be dead, or denying how very dead I was. I expected a tory landslide. How could anything good ever happen. How could this would of nazis and neoliberals see reason? Answer: Jeremy Corbyn provided hope and he was fucking good at his job.
I shall die another day. I have reason to live. I feel energised. there is hope for humankind. There is hope for Britain.
I turn 25 in twelve days. I’m getting old. I’m in fucking denial and I’ve been listening to all these old podcasts where a couple of lines stuck out for me. “Victory is a moveable feast.” and “It’s my turn.” I was ready to die. ready to say goodbye to all the pain and the bullshit. Except two things happened today. Obviously the election, removing the excuse of certain death. Then also something else.
I mentioned that phrase from T.E.Lawrence. “The trick ... is not minding that it hurts.” in a video but today I felt it. I walked for literal hours from polling station to doctor’s surgery for my testosterone injection. My feet have been in near constant agony whenever I stand up but I just don’t mind anymore. The pain is just a signal and I know it’s a false signal, I’m okay. I can stand. I can walk. I can walk for miles and miles, for hours and hours. The pain is real, the damage not so much and I don’t mind the pain so much anymore now I know I can physically take it and distract from it.
I was so scared about today. So very very scared. I know the conservatives may still lead but Corbyn has played a blinder and made a difference and I shall die another day. I don’t know if I can do this forever. I am still stuck in limbo but I no longer feel utterly damned. There is light, there is hope. We can do this. Make a better world.
I’ll make a proper video and blog later but fuuuuuck, guys, we did it! We won! The world turned upside down!