The Fight Back
Alexander Gordon Jahans
I have not been in a good place for quite sometime and the natural reaction is to feel the need for rest and recovery. Heck Holidays are my mum’s go to solution to everything. She’s bloody lucky I’m a sour bastard who despises holidays because I’ve periodically been offered holidays at every major setback.
Except while I don’t consider the expense and frustration of travel and isolation in a different place a valid use of my time, I have sought the regenerative values of rest. I have tried to destress and back off from issues. Retreating further and further from life as my mood has only continued to sour. Recently I realised I had hit the point of not being fucked with life any more. It was no longer a question of economic viability or pain but a simple stubborn refusal to keep flailing against a fate which seemed certain. Fuck it. I thought. Let it come. Let my world end.
I am fortunate to know people who can give me a kick up the arse when I need it. The brain is a muscle, my aching body is made of muscles and muscles need to be flexed in order to retain their strength. I am not suddenly optimistic about my chances of economic viability. Privatised council housing and benefits claiming is not going to be an easy or simple future. I certainly won’t be tearing up my will or pre-prepared suicide note anytime soon. Yet I am not quite damned yet. Jeremy Corbyn could be elected Prime Minister or at least force enough of a concession to her majority that she rescinds some of her more evil aims. Even at the worst it need not be over even once the benefit sanction hits.
I am not dead yet. There is a not impossible chance of long term survival. There are things I’d like to do, people I’d like to meet, things I’d like to write, videos I’d like to film. I have a chance at a future I’d like to meet but I have to fight for it and I have to be able to fight for it. This is where I really wish I had the power of montage.
I need to up my reading, up my socialising, up my walking and exercise. I need to gradually push back against the darkness consuming my life and regain my strength, not through rest and recuperation but controlled exercise. These are dark days and there is little I can do but I can see that I am at my best to deal with what is within my control.
Now I am going to read some of Owen Jones’s CHAVS then go for a walk. I have no idea how this will affect my sleeping pattern but damnit it can obey what I want for once and besides my other appointments shouldn’t be adversely affected. See you in the future.