Search This Blog

Thursday, 13 April 2017

NSFW Healthy Eating NSFW

Healthy Eating

A Distraction Fic
By
Alexander Gordon Jahans


Kathy had always wanted to be healthy, everyone does, but she’d always struggled. Then one day as she passed through town she saw a well toned man in a business suit offering fliers to promote his range of healthy eating options. What the hell it was worth a look.

Step 1. Go for exercise. A gentle walk is fine to begin with but work up to a sprint. It will hurt and you won’t be able to move the next day but the pain will be worth it.

So Kathy started walking when she could instead of taking the car.

Step 2. Cut out the fat and go organic. Meat is murder so go vegan.

This was harder but the diet embraced the eating of fruits and drinking of smoothies to quench hunger. Soon she found herself feeling amazing as the poiunds were shed and she became fitter and healthier.

Step 3. Shave Everything. Hair is death clinging to you. Shed it however you can with shaving and waxing. This includes eyebrows. All hair must go.

Well okay this was a bit unconventional but the leaflet hadn’t gone wrong for her before. So Kathy shaved and she waxed until she was smooth and sleek as a marble.

Step 4. Call to arrange a meeting with one of our representatives so we can help you become the magnificent delight you were always meant to be.

So Kathy called the number. No answer. Shame.

Step 5. Bathe in coconut milk twice daily. Purchase our products if you require large quantities.

So Kathy bathed and felt glorious. Was this how Cleopatra felt when she bathed?

Step 6. Clothes are a hindrance to your bodies natural energy. Cast them asunder. Your beauty needs no modesty now.

As Kathy gazed in the mirror, she smiled. Truly this was how she was meant to be.

Step 7. Nature abhors a vacuum. Fill yours. Peel a small Clementine carefully, wrap it in kale leaves then inert up the rectum. A sprig of asparagus dipped in lemon juice should be carefully inserted within the vagina, if you have one. An apple can be bitten on when not speaking.

Kathy was gone too deep now so she dutifully obeyed the pamphlet.

Step 8. Attempt yoga pose King Pigeon using our patented yoga mat.

So Kathy dutifully knelt down on the recommended mat, arched her arm and head backwards until her head made contact with the mat and her arms were able to grab onto her legs.

That was about the moment the men broke in, strapped her to the ‘mat’ with butcher’s twine and led her away. Noone could be quite sure when and how Kathy died. Suffocation was likely but it was possible she survived transport only to die when the 'yoga mat' was placed in the preheated oven.

That well toned man with the pamphlets had never technically lied. He did advocate healthy eating and sold food and supplies to do so. He just neglected to mention that most of his money was made selling organically fed free range vegan meat to vegans among the one percent who just couldn’t quite kick the meat habit.