Alexander Gordon Jahans
If I had to pick one overall emotion to describe the general turn of how things have been recently it would be fear.
I am recovering from the hell of the last few weeks and I am trying to rally. Mentally I suppose I am rallying but my body feels like a lead weight. The hell of recent times has left me over reliant on things I had previously used to keep my body going. What once worked to help me move to meet life’s demands is now barely enough to get out of bed and survive to meet the next day. My body aches and the tiredness of mere existence is frequently overwhelming. My ability to live, let alone compete economically, is a struggle.
Except it’s more than just my body letting me down. The cavalry that promised to save me has been revealed as untrustworthy and dangerous. If I am to survive, if I am to decide life worth living, then I must not only find a way to compete economically and so pay my way but I must do so without relying on and never trusting anyone. An already arduous task just got harder. Combine that with the tiredness and pain which makes up my mere existence and it should be no surprise that I frequently find myself begging for death. I continue out of duty and a capitalist’s pragmatism that while the money has yet to run out it would be ridiculous to completely abandon hope and nit take advantage of the time I have left.
At the same time I mourn for the very system that seems to demand my death. Capitalism is the autist’s system. To be autistic is to be sensitive and passionate, to be flawed and resort to rules and rationalism in the face of such uncertainty. This is what capitalism does. Fascism relies on the central belief that people can be relied on to consistently think clearly and rationally so if you give a person total power to run society that will organise it for maximum effectiveness. Capitalism says that people are greedy, lustful, lazy and deeply flawed so you distribute power and regulate it with a careful balance of controls so that man’s own greed will encourage him to work harder and longer. Where Fascism uses the iron fist to crush opposition to achieving goals, Capitalism uses the will of its own opponents to achieve its goals.
I love capitalism, I understand and trust in it. Where it is flawed I would advocate a patch on the rules, not its abolishment. I despise Marx and Lenin and Tory’s who hail from such left wing beliefs strike me as the most despicable wrong headed morons and hell could not match what I might not do if I did not have such rules as they pour scorn upon. Yet Capitalism walks willingly towards its own destruction. I long to save it. To guide it towards salvation yet I know it would be impossible. Neoliberalism has destroyed the forces that might keep short term advantage from destroying long term gains. The unions, the people who might have the will counteract automation, have been destroyed and the more automation takes place the harder it is for unions to halt the death of capitalism through organisation.
I don’t know what comes next and that is terrifying. It is bad enough that I have no idea where I’ll live, that I have no idea how I’ll survive in the long term, but to not even know what lies for the future of society, that the structure I trust to behave predictably will cease to be... It’s an existential terror. At least we know the dangers posed by Trump and the Alt-Right at least fascism and its destruction is predictable. What happens to human society when we have functionally infinite power to create and provide? Somehow I doubt the sadistic greed and dominating desires will end just because there is no need for them to exist. So I pray the world embraces socialism, I pray the Establishment is smart enough to adapt and remain a predictable guiding hand in the transition to come.
At the same time as I abandon all hope of capitalistic reform and survival I find my fantasies and dreams longing desperately for its continuation. Pretty girls hold a lot of power over me as a result of my newly acquired testosterone but nothing has quite so much power over me as the concept of people consenting to capitalistic exploitation. I read books on the rise of neoliberalism and it does enrage me yet in a weird way it soothes me. The Battle of Orgreave was clearly a devastating event for the victims and a blunder that helped ensure Capitalism’s demise yet I can’t deny finding an almost sexual thrill at the victory of Capitalism, however short term and short sighted. I read these books about the atomisation of the worker as a political force and while I rage at the attitudes involved, the actions and consequences there is an almost escapist glee to be gained from reading about the triumph of Capitalism over a final frontier. I despise myself sometimes, I really do. Yet in the face of such misery and uncertainty, a man needs to find joy and a reason to want to see the next day.
Anyway, that’s how I am. Tired, alone, mournful, facing and uncertain future and hating myself thoroughly for the very things that bring me joy enough to see day after day. Do you know the worst thing though? I’m not sure that there is a price I consider too high to pay if I knew for certain that it would save Capitalism for good.