Damage Report 30-03-2017
Alexander Gordon Jahans
The worst of the storm has passed and it’s time to asses the damage.
Well okay no. The world still has 4 to 8 years of Trump, the question of Brexit still hangs in the air since the Conservative party has no fucking clue what it’s doing and the Labour party lacks the ability to exploit that, the Scots are having another independence referendum so Labour will get another pasting and and they’ll probably leave meaning that England could end up on its own with no one to trade with and no hope for our shattered economy. Indeed a lot of my friends and family are suicidal, deeply ill or in tremendous poverty and frequently a combination.
The storm I refer to is the local family crisis that resulted in my quitting youtube. Now it is mostly abated I can try to start pulling myself together. And just in time to get annhialated by the move. Joy. Still, this is the damage report.
Government social security payments are a mess and even if they weren’t they wouldn’t be enough to stop me being a financial drain on my family so the next hope is to get me into council housing or the equivalent. So yeah bureaucracy and a whole different house move going on at the same time. I’m basically coping by pretending that isn’t happenning for now. If I gather the fucks I’ll try to make it work but talk about a precarious existence. I think I’m mostly going along with the idea to keep people happy while I help them get to a stable point before I kill myself. Don’t want to bring people down with me if I can possibly help it.
Next health issues. I have been so tired. Tired enough that just eating feels like a chore. My joints have been aching and my head has been periodically in pain or discomfort. Turns out this is just life living with Growth Hormone Deficiency when you get treatment and I just never noticed because for the last two years depression has overriden any of those problems and forced me into tactics that distracted me from the tiredness and aching. The family crises stripped all the distractions away and in so doing left me aware that my default existence, even without the cold equation of my certain failure to survive staring me in the face, is one of pain and tiredness to such an extent that death would seem desirable. Still I have noticed dthat diet coke and mints alone are enough to largely medicate away the crippling tiredness at least some of the time so maybe the Doctors can prescribe something stronger and longer lasting.
Also another fun side effect of GHD, my immune system is suppressed so I basically just have constant bugs and colds leaving me further under the weather and limiting my ability to breathe by bunging up the nose so I can do even less.
And yeah I have autism which means all the formerly described problems which require seeking help thus create new problems draining on my energy and ability to live. No cure for that unless I can get assessed disabled enough to just have it all handled without my having to worry about it. Unfortunately I doubt that will be likely since. “Too tired to give a fuck.” probably isn’t considered firm enough grounds to claim disability to such an extent.
All of this is compounded by the fact nobody fucking understands it. Medical conditions are not like demographic prejudice. There is no fraternity of the medically unwell. I have good friends who are going through their own universe of hell and they just don’t understand because their problems are just so very different. I don’t expect you to understand therefore but I will try to explain.
It’s like my body is a car. This great complex machine that relies on this precise balance of inputs and outputs just to keep moving. My brain is the computer controlling all those systems but it runs off a battery. A battery that is supposed to be charged by the car being in motion. Other people, other cars, have systems where the battery is kept topped up by the car being in motion and it’s an efficient well balanced system. Like maybe the car needs a push start in the morning from a stimulant like coffee but generally speaking the system works, the car moves and the battery is kept topped up until the car runs out of fuel to keep moving for the day. My body, my car, is not such an efficient system. The battery runs out of juice early yet the car keeps coasting, occassionally topping up the battery just enough to keep it ticking over until the day’s fuel is used up.
The bottom line is that I don’t have the energy other people have, even depressed people going through hell, my body just isn’t up to it. So I have to choose what one thing am I going to do. And my friend’s response, I imagine a lot of people’s respone, is “Put it all into work.” except there is more work to staying alive than just earning the money to pay to live. There are chores that need doing to function healthily. I can’t ignore them and neither can I ignore my spiritual and emotional needs. It’s so easy to just declare “Put everything into work” but that is unsustainable. If I were to put everything into work that means I wouldn’t ever shower or empty the rubbish, do the washing up, change my clothes or mentally unload by chilling out and persuing things thast are important to me. Three months at most before I get admitted to hospital for some infection or poor mental health.
This is the point where people have a go at me for seemingly using a straw man argument but my point is that due to the tiredness from my GHD I can only work on one of these things per day. Maybe I walk as well, read another chapter of a book and do basic stuff like cleaning my teeth, applying deodorant or updating my blog if something occurs but I can’t do anything big. So if I kept a stable enough sleep schedule to have routines this is how one might look:
Monday - Shower
Tuesday - Empty Bins
Wedneday - Washing Up
Thursday - Work
Friday - Work
Saturday - Write
Sunday - Relax
So two days a week and that’s assuming I can somehow keep to a regular weekly schedule while relying on stimulants like Diet Coke to give me the energy to do each of these things and that no further family emergency pops up.
Oh and then there’s the fact I have a hate cult stalking me who periodically make desperate tries for my attention so I have to be prepared to deal with whatever bullshit that throws up.
So basically fuck my life, right?
Well not quite. I mean being dependent on the conservative government genuinely might kill me in the end but while I still live I’m reading through Getting Things Done by David Allen and already it is streamlining my thought process and helping me focus on addressing one problem at a time.
I don’t know what’s going to happen and all of this sounds really bad but, as shit a this is, this is actually a lot more hopeful than I expected. I am tired as fuck but there’s a drink for that. I am broke as fuck and a financial burden on my family but there are plans and hope for that. Dying feels more and more like a temptation I am resisting but I am resisting it. I aitn’t dead yet.