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Sunday, 4 December 2016

Accepting The Shadow

Accepting The Shadow

Alexander Gordon Jahans

There was a time when the Farsh-nuke was supposed to be me or when to be more precise I was the Farsh-nuke but characters change and evolve with new experiences, just like people, as life changed me so plot changed the Farsh-nuke.

The Farsh-nuke as originally created is a relic of a me that has long since ceased to exist. What started out as a wish fulfilment hero with knowledge and power became a twisted shadow, an anti-hero driven by lust and rage, formed by an ego that had, after cresting, crashed inwards upon itself. The power fantasy became the monster because I no longer saw myself as the noble moral survivor but the lonely disgusting freak.

As I went to university and pumped myself up as a grand auteur the Farsh-nuke developed as his own thing, formed by experiences in stories that have not yet come to light. I tried to kill the Farsh-nuke more than once during this time, abandon it as a misogynistic monster. But this was a time when I was myself an anti-feminist. Ironic really. Most people experiment with liberalism and communism at university and here was I experimenting with bigotry while pretending I should abandon a misogynistic character because I wasn’t like that.

You can’t kill your shadow, no matter how hard you try, the shadow is part of you, it lives within you, feeds off your hypocrisy and negativity. And I was such a hypocrite. By the time Trump rolled around though I had lost most of my hypocrisy. There were no more dark corners left for the shadow to grow. Perhaps this is why the alt-right’s fake story hasn’t really troubled me, I know exactly how much of a cunt I am and I have made peace with that.

The Farsh-nuke in The Return then was back to being a hero, back to being a power fantasy, but sticking to the shadows. I had gone full circle, I didn’t need my shadow to represent the darkness in myself any more, I knew who I was, what I stood for and that I did not need to be ashamed of my shadow. But still he worked in the shadows. Still he wasn’t quite the truth. The Farsh-nuke may have been back to being hero but I wasn’t and I’m not sure I ever will be.

When Trump was elected my creativity was shattered, my world was shattered, my hope shattered. The prospect of Trump, the threat he posed, was to be the wake up call I wanted the political establishments of the world to receive. I never expected Trump to win. I never wanted him to win. I called his victory to galvanise opposition to him. I muddied the waters to throw shade on the establishment candidate. This was  supposed to scare the cocky into paying attention, to make the privileged uncomfortable. Hence The New Cold War Arc. Raspberry was to be the arch villain slowly working on the tension raised by Trump long after he had become insignificant. The new heroic Farsh-nuke would be playing chess against Raspberry from the shadows because that was how I saw the task of reforming American politics would be.

Except Trump won and that called for a new me and a new Farsh-nuke. When the Alt-Right pulled off that trick shot with the fiction right around the time I was openly speaking out against Trump and his supporters it made clear to me that I am not just some outsider Anglo pundit whose opinions are at best ripples in a millpond. By making such a personal attack, an attack against someone I care about, against their very identity, to attack my morality, and with my chosen medium of power, so close to Trump’s victory, the Alt-Right declared war on me. They bought me into their conflict. This isn’t about empathy or morality any more, this isn’t about the suffering of others. This is personal. They pricked the side of a mighty beast and entirely to run.

A new Farsh-nuke was called for, a new shadow was needed once again. A cold war can be fought peacefully, can be fought heroically, but with Trump in the White House there could be no mere cold war any longer. A war is coming. A civil war in America and a world war against it and possibly Russia. War is not a time in which heroes can exist and that meant finally I could make peace with my shadow. Not by destroying it, nor by pretending I can reform it but by accepting my shadow for all its faults and acknowledging its worth.

William Dickson Wright, the first Farsh-nuke who was supposed to be a monster, orchestrated a global coup because he felt the ends justified the means, because his madness was to see threat where there was none. The new Farsh-nuke is also called William Dickson Wright and he is also going to orchestrate a coup because he feels the ends justifies the means, the difference is this time he’s right. Donald Trump can be impeached, might not even be voted into office by the electoral college votes assigned for him since the majority of votes lie with Clinton, even if he does remain in power he might not do so much damage before being voted out. But because I created Raspberry to be a much more competent and intelligent foe the new Farsh-nuke will have no choice but to wage war against him.

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