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Thursday, 20 October 2016

The End Is Nigh

The End Is Nigh

Alexander Gordon Jahans

A lot has happened since university, it has not been fun in large part but I emerge stronger. I have faced my deepest of fears, I have confronted the worst aspects of myself and I have survived the worst my mind can throw at me. I understand my sexuality and mental scars far better now. I know what I am capable of and what I am not. It has been a very educational experience and now it’s going to come to an end.

It is very tempting to look at the political situation and feel overwhelmed by negativity, particularly considering my trolls are the new threat to geopolitical stability, but I have faith that Britain will repel the nazis as we repelled them before. Nonetheless though it is not hard to understand the sense of apocalyptic despair so many are feeling about this. We have been bought low by austerity, neoliberalism and greed. My generation has to deal with technological unemployment, climate change, income inequality and a new nazi menace, all while dealing with crippling depression, poverty and living with our parents. No wonder so many of us commit suicide.

I however am out of the darkness, or at least I can see light at the end of the tunnel. My parents are divorcing and the house I tried so hard to get away from will be sold. The cancer of Woking will no longer weigh down upon me. Amid my angst I have been growing as a person and improving my skills as a writer. I have been writing utterly repugnant shit and perhaps my left wing critics have some truth in what they say. My approach to men is much more healthy than how I view women and that is something I intend to work on. All practise is garbage though and my garbage has made me a writer for more capable of achieving my more lofty artistic ideals.

I will never be a normal person, I can never change who I am fundamentally but the time of depression is over. The videos will start being reviews and attempts at scripting will begin in earnest again. Tonight I start playing a game to play once my current play through of skyrim is done. Doctor Who no longer has the power it once did over me and I am sure that given time I will find a way to gm a pathfinder game of D&D 5e game that works for me. I will volunteer, I will improve my cv and multiverse willing I’ll get a job.

I have been trapped for a long time by a straight jacket of morality. By this almost christian idea of the heavenly feminists and demonic right wing, by the idea that I am a monster unworthy of heaven but desperately trying to break into it. These past few years have shown me that is not the case. A label and and political perspective does not mean you cease being human with all the magnificent potential for heroism, compassion, cruelty and rage that that entails.

The angelic left betrayed me and destroyed a community I had found a home in. leaving me alone when I had worked so hard for them without even telling me why until the person whose honour they apparently acted in honour of stepped in herself. The demonic right has stalked me, told me to kill myself, threatened my family and written incestuous fanfics about me. Yet they have also defended me against the stalkers, donated money to help me keep going and bought me games on steam.

As for myself, I have learned that while my mind is capable of thinking of great evil and understanding a satisfaction there in I will never be that kind of person and I will always champion equality, fairness and peace, because anything else is to me moronic and cruel. I am not some terrible monster bound by a great moral duty, I’m just a nerdy idiot who does the best he can.

I am better now and I will be much much better but I will always be me, no matter what name I have. Which is why I am writing this at 5 in the morning. Schedule or no schedule I am the same dumb twar with the same dumb sleeping issues, and this was after I took sleeping pills and tried to sleep at midnight. Look I am going to be carrying around a lot of angst for a long time yet because that’s just the kind of stupid I am but I would be a far lesser man had I not endured and survived all that I have. So thank you, all of you, you may have been cunts, you may have been sadistic and cruel, you may genuinely hate me and wish me nothing but ill will but thanks in part to you I am in a better place now so I forgive you. I forgive all of you. Live good lives, live good long lives and be happy.

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