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Tuesday, 25 October 2016

I’m Not Sick But I’m Not Well

I’m Not Sick But I’m Not Well

A Bloggage
By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

I like complexity and conflict and drama because boredom is a poison to me. My mind obsesses and if I don’t have an exterior fantasy to obsess over then my mind will obsess over all the reasons why I suck. This however can be a double edged sword. I like dark stories with dark protagonists because it reminds me that however flawed I may feel I am and how fucked I may feel, hope remains and people can be redeemed, I can be redeemed.

I like life again, I feel a vibrancy to reality again, a strong pulsing sense of importance and sensation. Things taste better, feel better, sound louder and are more enjoyable. Even rendered unto death by a wretched bug that left me aching all over I found myself basking in the warmth of the sun. I am so much better and I want to live because living is amazing. I have multiple podcasts that I love, a few good friends that I keep in regular contact with and there are such sweet games that I have discovered.

Dishonoured is a brilliant steam punk fantasy about overthrowing treacherous fascists in pseudo England to restore rightful rule. It is a game with a story and setting that plays to my heartstrings right now and has gamer mechanics that suit my playstyle. It can be played stealthily, pacifistically and heroically but if you’re a bit shit you can be thoroughly awesome as a mad killer. It is the perfect blend of Skyrim, Assassin’s Creed and Batman Arkham City for me, with a setting and story that resonates much more strongly than anything else. If someone wants to buy me Dishonoured 2 when that comes out that would be amazing but for now I am happy with Dishonoured one. And yes there will be a letsplay at some distant point.

Civilisation 5 is the grit in my machine. It is thoroughly addictive, if annoyingly hand holding. I really need to mod in a way to just skip to the next turn as it doesn’t quite seem to work on my computer and will glitch out on occassion. I am very much shit at it but it is immensely compelling and really seems like it should be ported to ipad and Android tablets if it hasn’t already. It is a complex, feature rich cookie clicker machine and could easily be free to play. Yet it’s not. I am currently intending to try out the different countries to see if I can learn it and maybe once I have I might play with others.

Hannibal fucked me up. It is a thoroughly great tv series and I think by the end I had a crush on almost every character, or at least their actors and actresses. Kind of hard to have a crush on a cannibal if you don’t have regenerative abilities, at least vampires just need to drink a bit of blood. There I go with thinking through this too much. Hannibal Lecter is a monster. He manipulates and gaslights Will Graham. He kills, tortures and brutalises. And yet he helps Will Graham, using murders to guide him into stopping other killers and will fight to free him from other killers or even the framing he himself arranged when it becomes convenient or interesting to him. It’s a horrible abusive dangerous and utterly fascinating relationship. And a heck of a headfuck when you yourself have been abused and write about cannibals. Hence why I have not done a review of it for the channel. Feeling more means you can feel scared more as well.

Politically things are grim. The far right are taking charge, bigotry is on the rise and the economy slumps ever further. Trump may not be president but his supporters aren’t going to go away. It’s almost a relief to feel like I’m part of the problem as a cis white male condemned as transphobic and misogynistic while the alt-right obsess over me because that way I don’t have to feel like it’s my responsibility to clear up this mess. I’d gladly be first against the wall when the revolution comes if it means a revolution will come.

Personally I’m trying, but failing. For a brief moment I had universal credit and volunteering, then I had a brief romance with a boyfriend and I have nothing again. There are too many people volunteering for me to even do that. And the longer I remain unemployed and not able to volunteer, the more unemployable I become. If people are working for free to maybe get paid at a future job that is shitty. Certainly shitty for me. Unless I can get on benefits, suicide looks somewhat inevitable. The alternative is slowly starving to death as I become homeless. Sooner or later I am fear these will become the only options ahead of me. Just give me a job. I will literally shovel shit but who wants to employ an out of work autist to shovel their shit?

Interestingly Youtube and Patreon does offer hope. Even when I do basically everything wrong it brings in a not insignificant trickle of funds, not that I deserve it. So maybe I might be able to live after all. And maybe thye alt-right might be able to come up with an argument that isn’t complete horseshit.