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Thursday, 13 October 2016

Better Every Day

Better Every Day

Alexander Gordon Jahans

It is odd to be continually brought low and yet feel yourself rising. It's like there's a black hole pulling my world in and every step I take away from depression allows me to fly just in sync with the pull of the black hole.

My issues currently are a cold making it hard to think straight and focus, a left foot that it hurts ever so slightly to stand on, likely a casualty from one of my slips down the stairs, haemorroids, my parents divorcing, my cat being a daft manipulative shit, the prospect of moving house, my continued inability to get a job (still I feel a madness about all those "Just get a job" comments), my uncertain future and the madness of the world at the moment. I swear any day now the sharks are going to start flying, the dolls are going to maul people to death and guppies are going to start phasing through solid matter...

But none of that matters, not really, not to this post. These are all solvable problems. Some less so, some more so, but all problems distinctly outside of my own head.

Getting better is a return to sensation. I used to hate films and tv series because I couldn't focus on them, because I was always wondering what I was missing, well now I don't, I just enjoy them. I don't need the alcohol any more, I don't even need the diet coke or the food. I am sitting here with a teapot filled with a lemon, ginger and peppermint infusion and I feel fine.

Now yes I have taken practical steps. I have a schedule now (and no wanking isn't on it), I know when to take my pills, when to work, when to do chores and when I can relax. I have a watch so I know what time it is no matter what I'm doing, so I don't fret that I'm missing stuff. I have an exercise routine now and am building up my fitness so I don't hate myself quite so much when I binge. IO've cut out the sources of self doubt and am fortifying myself socially, giving myself time to socialise so I don't feel neglected or neglectful.

The biggest cure is time though. My brand, the brand of Alexander Gordon Jahans, was shameless, honest, moral. That's a complete fucking lie. I am a self pitying fuckwit riddled with shame. I lie all the time for the sake of politeness, I lie to myself and the world. I wouldn't be so self consciously obsessed with morality if I wasn't a vengeful sadistic dick who had already made a lot of questionable decisions. Everyday I live, every day I survive, is a day further away from those decisions, away from the sources of all that shame.

I am never going to be a good man, I am never going to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see, because the better I become the more disgusted I become at what I was, what I will always be to some small extent. Everyday I live and everyday I am not the dickhead I once was is another reason to stop being so shitty to myself.

Everything fades in time. At some point I won't remember the fanfiction or the group that disintegrated, already I find myself struggling to recall who it was I pissed off. Even the trolls and the police reports will fade in time. None of this will matter. Not to me anyway. That's how this always goes.

These last two years I've been haunted my how I chose to end my shark nightmares. That I ended the pain and the fear by giving into it and choosing death. Except that's not what happened. My mind forced a terror upon me that I could not escape, that was breaking me and making it so I could not sleep. Instead of giving in to the terror I took control of the situation, confronted the source of my fears until I was bored by the spectacle and then I made it a part of me, made it work for me. I took my worst nightmare and I made it into my mascot. That isn't what a victim does.

I think this is why, for want of a better term, vore fiction appeals to me. Not in a sexual sense, just a literary and entertainment sense. I am a lapsed vegetarian, I know that the vegans have the moral high ground and yet I continue to eat meat because I like the taste and my body needs protein. To the man who strives so hard to be moral and fears his darker hues this is unforgivable. So I watch Hannibal and Game Of Thrones and I write oh so very dark fiction to confront that hypocrisy head on until it loses its potency.

You see my foes work in darkness and they think shadows shield them but when you work in the light and you live in the light you are not afraid of that which lies in the dark because to get to you the shadows must strike in the light of day and have all their flaws revealed. Exposure to light makes dark hues fade away to nothing. I stopped being afraid of fading away a long time ago, indeed now I find comfort in it.

The world is insane and the night is dark and full of terrors but I am walking along in the sunshine and I feel alright. 

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