The Elephant In The Room
I feel shit and I'm not sure why and yet I think I do know why. Let me try to explain.
Alexander Gordon Jahans
Last year I had to fight against the desire to kill myself because I had just left the purpose independence, friendships and relative affluence of university to the isolation, poverty and reliance on others of a graduate unable to find a job. My parents were separating and I was just learning about how royally fucked up my genetics and body was. Oh and my dad chose to make me feel like shit because that's what he does when he feels like shit.
Now I am growing a beard, my health is not great but at least stable and its maintenance known, my survival is not the struggle it once was, my parents are at peace and my dad is no longer being a cunt. I can live quite happily and for the most part I do give or take the odd argument or moment of frustration. Indeed it seems I am privileged enough to be in a position where the damage of brexit not only washes past me but the damage to the economy makes me marginally better off.
So why do I feel like shit? Because life is boring now.
I grew up a loser, I was bullied every day. Even at university cunts would lecture me about how they thought I was a cunt and threaten to kill me. And I always had the treadmill of education to pound against. Exams, gsces, deadlines and dissertations.
Now there is nothing. There are no new mountains left to climb. No problems to solve. So what is the point of my existence?
When I was with my boyfriend his problems were mine to work on. Like that point in a game when you've levelled up to god mode and got op so you try out the DLC. Except his's problems can't be solved. Not by me. He is too weak and too disinterested. I feel like the damn greybeards. I've issued the almighty call for the dragonborn to learn the way of the voice but he's off picking flowers.
I need challenge. And not arseholes being shits because they're boring.
For now I write. For now I binge letsplays and podcasts and audiobooks and play skyrim. For now I will tread water with quests that matter to me but they're pointless.
At least my ex could be satisfied just having fun and he actually made money and made people's lives better, All I do is write appallingly bad fiction and write videos that are only popular because of how much they are hated.
I don't matter. I don't add anything to the world. All I am is a waste of energy and resources producing, cum, crap, wee and CO2.
To clarify I want to live and I actually like my life. I just think I am a waste of resources who adds nothing to the world and I would really fucking like to change that. Only I have no fucking idea how someone with my particularly stupid set of skills does that.
Anyway back to writing my latest appalling piece of fiction Weresylph Dawning, currently at 13,000 words and all about pretty women who can heal being slaughtered every day in a dystopian future. The worst thing is they are supposed to escape but thinking ahead to 2019 I'm not actually sure that life in my dystopian hellscape factory wouldn't be better than escaping to an outside world run by Trump and the Tories.