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Saturday, 13 August 2016

I Really Have No Fucking Clue

I Really Have No Fucking Clue
By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

I make money pretending I have the answers. I'm a reviewer and political pundit, I know what that film sucks and why that political party is full of shit. Every unflattering truth I tell, every flaw I show, it all adds to that impression. I am an honest bugger and I know what the fuck I'm talking about. Except I don't... Not really. All of that is predicated upon the idea that the way I think is static and unchanging. That I am some anchor of honest sensibility. Something which is blatantly no longer the case.

Is Trump an unelectable madman or a canny entertainer playing to the crowd available to purchase by the highest bidder? Is Brexit good or bad? Is feminism still a good idea in the west? The answer is not as stable as it should be.

Scientists and rationalists have this idea that there is no such thing as free will, that our actions can be calculated and plotted on a probabilistic curve. That used to be the case for me. I was regular, stable, governed by rules and rationality. I lived a life of regulation and direction. I strove for independence because the rules were so simple it was just quicker to not have anybody interfering. I actually thought I knew what I was doing, that I was right, correct. I was haunted by the idea of being wrong, of failing. Now my life is such a constant failure it's more notable when I am actually correct about something.

The great Arnold Judas Rimmer once said "You are your job." Well in that case I'm nothing. I'm not even a writer anymore. My confidence is shot and I've seen how crap I really am. Yet my writing has become like my youtube, it's success comes when I forget about the audience and focus on me. But who the fuck am I and what the fuck do I actually fucking want?

The Alt-Right, the sincere cunts, genuinely believe that I am held back by altruism and empathy, that I give too much of a fuck about the suffering of others. That's a symptom, not the disease. You see people are easy and morality is easy. I have trained myself to always give the right answer to those questions even in anger, pain or desperation. I am, I was, a regulated capitalist, the ego and the greed have always defined me but I can't answer with those as right now they're kind of missing. I can't think about the self right now because the self in an undefined void at the moment. I can react and I can follow orders and instructions but I can't do anything for me at the moment. All the things I do right now to satisfy myself are carryovers from when I had a self to pick out things to get interested in.

I am in flux, I'm still cooking. I don't know who I am or what I want. Testosterone is one hell of a hormone. Decades of thought about women undone in months as by my own prior judgements I find myself regressed to the state of a neanderthal. If I mentally squint I can remember how I used to think and abstractly rationalise that women are just different people with slightly different aesthetic qualities and biochemistry, then the chemicals take over again and I find myself wondering just how the heck I get myself a woman to explore in intimate detail... At which point my morality slaps me across the face and reminds me about feminism and egalitarianism.

It's more than the sex issue though. My entire life I have had a goal. Finish school, build a dalek, get into university, graduate university, get a job... Clearly I didn't achieve every goal but I knew what the fuck I was doing. I don't now. I haven't got a fucking clue. Even youtube. I mean it's going well but I don't have a fucking clue how. I can only assume that my notoriety is wide enough that I am managing to attract precisely the sort of people who like whatever my niche is but that isn't something I can perfect.

I don't know what I want, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know who I am and how the fuck I am supposed to survive. I only know that once I do know the answers to these questions I'll probably be okay.

See the hatebase has a point about my needing to improve myself and about how my standards are the problem when it comes to finding a job. I mean they are boring patronising twats that I would hate to meet in person but they have point. I'm a smart man and I have good grades in courses with enough flexibility that I could get any number of jobs if I really wanted them and targeted them. Except that's the problem. I'm still reeling from the damage caused by my "Just get a job, any job." mentality. I mean a lot did happen the last year, I sort of had to juggle the healing. I don't know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing and until I do I can't get a job because I just can't fake it.

I don't know who or what I am or what the fuck I'm going to do with my life but I have faith that I will find out in time. As to what the hell this business will mean when I do, I honestly haven't a clue. I'm not who I used to be. Alexander Gordon Jahans, the depression riddled survivor is undergoing one long regeneration and I don't know who the fuck I will be when it's over. Except that's not quite true. You see I don't like being told what to do, never have, and my hatebase has been telling me to be a nazi, to vote trump, to trash feminism and feel sorry for the whites, plus some other shit. Thanks to them, and my own morality, I know that I will remain a leftwing supporter of feminism, a champion of the LGTBTQA+ movement and in opposition to the entitled Alt-Right bigots.

Anyway I am going to be watching the Fast and the Furious films and Game of Thrones as I continue writing Weresylph Dawning and playing Skyrim. Whatever happens, whoever I become, I have been Alexander Gordon Jahans and you have been most welcome.