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Sunday, 28 August 2016

Confession Time

Confession Time

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans


It is an interesting thing coming out of depression as I finally break through the last crest of an unfortunately stalled puberty. Its like picking through the rubble after a battle. The propagandas of the godly defenders and devilish invaders is laid bare as just humans squabbling in the mud. When you live your whole life trying to be good but fearing that you're not then you construct a narrative that you are at once holier than thou, utterly beautiful and fiercely intelligent while batting off fears that you are a monstrous, disgusting imbecile. The truth is I am neither.

I am melodramatic, stubborn, petulant, vengeful, sadistic, bitchy, institutionalized, socially peculiar - oscillating between naivety and paranoia, unable to rule and unhappy following rules I don't agree with. But I try to be moral, nice and compassionate, to check my privilege and advance the cause of feminism.

The fact of the matter is that I am the monster that fights monsters, however more mundane the reality. I am a bigoted, occasionally misogynistic and transphobic freak of a man who loves conflict. There is a reason I write fiction. If I can't be in centre of conflict I'll create it on the page. The boy who used to build endlessly in Minecraft has become a man who murders and pillages across Skyrim. I could never have belonged in the JQ2 or indeed any safe space because I am a drama queen and I need to be safe in my well fortified youtube castle raining fire down on the trolls below. I'm actually kind of overjoyed the Daily Shoah picked a fight with me, Zarquon help my soul. And now my family is terrified and blaming me for the threats the trolls pose but this is where I belong, this is what I'm good at. I am the freak with the hatebase, dodging bullets as my channel rises to the heavens.

I am a proud idiot of a man with nothing important to my name but I have many friends that I could talk to if I wished and yet I don't. I like the bullying, I like the dance, I like the chance to spar with my enemies from a position of strength. I do miss the greater challenge and I think I will do volunteering again as I work towards some kind of more practical job qualification but I need the conflict. I don't get to retire to the countryside with 2.4 children. I am a regulated capitalist in a time of anarcho-capitalism and rising socialism. I am a genetic freak who will never be an Adonis. More than that though I am a domineering amateur manipulator who wants a harem of beautiful submissives but can barely find the courage to ask those I like out on dates.

I have spent my whole life avoiding self destruction very consciously and yet I am a rather self destructive individual. If I was forced to be a vegan living on fruit and veg I'd find a way to binge smoothies unhealthily, as it is I am drinking diet coke at 2 am and I have a peanut butter, margarine and ketch up sandwich waiting for me when I finish this.

This self destructiveness comes out in absurd ways. There are two stories that I want to write now, both are basically at points where they would be utter joys to write... And so I don't. Because fuck me, right. I could write scenes that I would greatly enjoy writing, so I don't just to piss myself off. Like how I always convince myself I don't like showers until I'm having one and then it's quite genuinely better than an orgasm. I genuinely, very very genuinely, hate myself. To the point where if I absolutely must do something I will slap myself as motivation because otherwise I must leave the task undone and let the shit role in.

I don't keep talking about morality and my rules because I'm saint, I talk about them so damned much because I know that if I didn't have them I would be a thousand times more of an arsehole than I currently am and I need to remind myself. Heck just check out my letsplays to see what happens when there genuinely are no consequences in video games. I mean of course it's vastly different since it's a mindless fiction but that's the point, no consequences includes no breaking of morality. A good man doesn't need rules to stop him being a shit, a good man just isn't interested in being a shit even if there are no negative consequences and indeed there are perks.

There is part of me that thinks I should die for my sins, and for my being a burden on my family, especially if the trolls are scaring them. Yet my own morality stops me. My morality would force me to try and offer redemption to Hitler and Stalin and Thatcher, so how the fuck can I justify the death sentence for myself? I'm not going to kill myself and I want to live but I am so aware that I am a weird arsehole of a man unable to financially support himself.

The worst part of my hatebase, of Esoteric Jahanism, isn't the trolls, or the doxxing or even the threats against my family, they've all faced far far worse, it's the idea that it could lift me up out of poverty only to drop me back there because I have no fucking idea how to maintain a hate following. How does a lolcow ensure people keep coming back to try and milk it? I mean it's working so far. I appear to have a natural talent for freakishness but how do I live to my eighties on it? That's why I want to keep the plates spinning and branch out into letsplays and reviews and never let my channel just be home to those who want to suckle at my teets. I cannot let my success be limited to thev freakshow effect or the longevity of my series is way too uncertain.

I am a shit who loves drama and conflict and wants people to kneel before him and yet I also want to suffer. I am one strange fucker. But anyway, that's who I am. Alexander Gordon Jahans. The man who writes fiction about submissive women who can heal being consensually eaten alive and the man who makes money telling a load of racist misogynistic capitalists, that immigration, feminism and socialism are the best things for the world.