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Thursday, 21 July 2016



Alexander Gordon Jahans

A man is defined by his surroundings and experiences and how others see him. My boyfriend is a rock, an unchanging ever logical glacier. Compared to him I am a maelstrom of emotion and energy and ideas. With him I am calm and focused but let loose I am chaos. Today, that happened.

A 2 hour train trip back home to Woking, my own personal Lungbarrow. It was supposed to be simple. 2 hours there, get the injection then 2 hours back. Only public transport is like a real time strategy game. You can know hours in advance of a deadline that minor delays are going to cause you to be late and you have nothing that you can do. I had an hour and a half of slow building dread as like melting ice flooding an underwater complex, I realised that I was fucked.

So I am still in Woking, injection rescheduled to tomorrow. No laptop, no desktop, no headphones and no plan.  Bad times. Except for one small thing... I am not the same Alex Jahans that left for my boyfriend’s all that time ago.

My boyfriend is a genius, he doesn’t believe it but he is. Once his mind has the logic of a situation down he can become an expert overnight. I truly believe the only reason he isn’t the world’s best socialiser is a fear of embarrassment and an unwillingness to learn the fuzzy logic of social interaction. With him I have grown more confident and more knowledgeable about computers.

You see we fixed my desktop and gave it a graphics, card, ssd and fresh install of windows 10 then we replaced some faulty ram in my laptop and put it back to Windows 7. He also built me a free windows 7 desktop in case mine ever became irrecoverable. To him this is almost like running, tiring certainly but not something he has to think about. He has lectured me about the importance of backups but I have learned the opposite.

When I arrived at my boyfriend’s originally it was out of fear. I had no working computer. I was alone, isolated. Without a working computer I felt naked and vulnerable.  My computer is home, my computer is my safe space.  Except I’ve had many computers, each that have felt like home. And with the quick repetition of computer installations and setups I learned that my home isn’t MY computer, it isn’t even my data. I don’t need backups, I don’t even need much memory really. Everything that makes up my safespace can be downloaded in minutes, could possibly be fit into a portable bootable usb stick or even micro sd for flashing to a smartphone with usb on the go.

My home is Minecraft and Skyrim. Youtube, Tweetdeck and Facebook. My Itunes Podcast Subscriptions, my Amazon Music Library and Focus Writer. My home isn’t big or flashy and it isn’t important and weighty. It is free or already paid for, lightweight on the processor and easily downloadable.

So, Honey (if you’re reading this through your RSS reader with your massive server of data and backups), no I do not just like you because you fixed my computers. As I have learned I don’t need my computers, not really. I like them and they feel like home but what’s important is the information, information that (Thanks to the data gathering you so despise.) I can have on me almost anywhere without paying any extra money. Sure, it’s slow and unsafe and inefficient but it works. I love you for you, not for what you do for me.

Also it feels really fucking great to have a proper shower after all this time.

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