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Wednesday, 8 June 2016



Alexander Gordon Jahans

My first date since secondary school and the fucker dumps me the same day. I walk away from him and bump into the first girl I ever dated. She's got a kid now and is in a relationship that makes my parents look peaceful and loving. There's something almost poetic about that symmetry. 

I swore blind I'd cut my ex off entirely if he dumped me but my heart disagreed so now I'm his friend and trying to help him hook up with someone near him. Life is weird  

My life currently is bingeing the Game Of Thrones tv series, working on my own videos, my own shit fiction, doing volunteering, getting my mental health in order and getting my teeth looked at. I am in short, living, successfully. Quite the achievement for a weird fuckerv with tits, fucked up genetics and the year I've just had.

Except I can do surviving now. it's like that bit in minecraft where you finally get food sorted and you've got your strip mine set up and you're like "What next?"

I mean get a job so I can have money and move out but then what? What is there to reach for? To strive for? Oh I'll keep finding podcasts to binge, stories to write, games to play. I'll live. I'll satisfy my curiosity but to what purpose? What's the point?

No, seriously? What is the point of life? To be happy? I could be happy now or soon enough. Low bar for happiness. 

Okay, stupidly ridiculously unbelievably happy? Lets aim for directed a sharkploitation feature film, written for the BBC, written a Doctor Who, produced my own scifi video series and to cap it off have found a pretty submissive blonde woman who wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Then what?

There are tons of shit sharkploitation films, that's very doable. Writing for the BBC is harder but not impossible given my qualifications, contacts and technological know how. Writing a Doctor Who is piss easy when you realise I count fan productions among that. I already have a youtube channel for scripted productions and cg is getting cheaper and easier with every passing year. The last one is pretty much impossible I'll grant you, I mean submissive blonde women are like unicorns. Submissive blonde women who want to spend the rest of their lives with a tiny dicked freak are like unicorns who died came back as vampires developed space travel and ai, transcended the singularity then developed time travel. They don't happen. Still, who cares? People age. My wank fantasies are ever in their prime.

Blimey, you can tell I've been watching Game of Thrones a lot can't you?

The point is that my ex can't do something if he can't understand it, I can't see the point in doing something if it doesn't excite me and the moment I could do it if I just put the effort in it becomes boring. I need a challenge, to feel intimidated, out of my depth. It's what I know, it's what I am.

And now living is becoming boring but it's okay because sooner or later I'll be working so I won't have time to think about how boring it is and what is the point of that? What is the point of working to live if life itself is meaningless?

Now I did fill out a referral to a counselling unit today because fuck it why not? It's time to clear out my head and gain peace. But then what? Why? 


What do I want?

One might expect a political answer but if the past year has taught me anything it's that I am an idiot and we live in a time of change?

How about some grand popcultural answer? Well Zisteau's already doing the best minecraft series ever, we're getting a new star trek and at this point a female doctor is all but a certainty given enough time. 

A vain sexual answer has already been addressed and dismissed.

I don't want to be happy. Well not just happy. I don't want to chase avarice or popculture or political power. I want legacy.

The writing, the youtube channel, the facebook group and part of the reason having low testosterone sucks is because I care about legacy.

Everybody dies alone, everybody has bad days and everybody is a prick at some point but legacy is unique.

You know fuckers tell me in comments on my channel sometimes angrily that my youtube channel is one of the top rating when searching for my name? As if that isn't exactly what I want? Let the right piss on my grave. pissing them off beyond my death would be a fine thing indeed. 

In all seriousness though what legacy do I have? The autist with tits? The microdicked transphobe? Maybe the misogynist who aspired to feminism and failed badly? Or if we're feeling charitable, that poor strange wanker?

I am a nobody. A nothing.

I can't have kids and wouldn't know what to do with one if I could.

I don't have an empire or a brand or company.

I don't do anything important, I don't know anything important and I don't have any important plans. 

I wake. I eat. I wank. I record. I write. I work. I enjoy fiction. I sleep. Then I die.

That's it. My autobiography, my whole life, in that line. 



Don't get me wrong, I want to live. I quite like eating and wanking and writing. The problem is that I won't remember that when I die. There is no achievement counter on death. no tally of ejaculations had, pizzas eaten and tasks procrastinated. There is not  even a void. just poof! And everything I am is gone.

I don't want to die but if there is no point to life, no legacy to build, no future to remember me, then why strive? Why work and toil? Why kill myself overworking if all life is is wanking and eating and writing and enjoying popular entertainment?

That's my issue. I am a capitalist. I am not motivated by fear, I am motivated by greed and right now i feel like the richest man in the world so why fucking bother?

I need to find a legacy to devote my life to making or I might as well pack it all in and go on the dole until the tories kill me as well.

I will not allow myself to fall to illusions. I need purpose, I need legacy. I need to be remembered.

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