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Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Feelings About My Sexuality

Feelings About My Sexuality

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

So a homophobic terrorist attack in Orlando killed 50 people and I didn't give a shit. You can't turn back time, focus on preventing the same thing happening again. Yes, people are gonna mourn and it's a very sad thing that anyone dies but at this point I have seen mass shooting after mass shooting and I know the bodies are just gonna keep dropping. Not my country, not my problem, I don't need this weight on my soul,.

Except I'm bisexual. Which has never mattered before. It is a very weird feeling to find yourself re-addressing your sexuality because think you should feel personally aggrieved and affected with others of your demographic when you just don't. I am angry and bitter that gun control isn't being implemented in America. I struggle to take interest in the fact that 1 person in 320,000,000 killed 50 with a gun in a land with mass shooting happen every single day.

Here's the thing though, I get why the LGBTQA+ community is so upset and reacting in uproar. I get how it must feel for people who have fought hard against oppression to find themselves the target of a terrorist attack. This is the worst targeted attack against gay people since the second world war.

I just don't feel it.

I am bisexual, I like guys as well as women but there's a smaller spectrum of guys that I find cute or sexy. I grew up straight and by the the time I came out it was 2014 and civil partnerships for gay people were possible, Also if I had any angst about coming out it was overshadowed by my dissertation, my parents separating and finding out my genetics are fucked so I naturally have less testosterone than the average woman.

I still feel straight, still feel part of that community and leaping to the defence of heterosexual men. I mean I do feel sexually attracted to guys and my last date was with a guy but I don't feel any different. The only person who showed the slightest hesitation when I came out was my dad and I think that was more a case where the man who sucks with emotion feels it's his duty to be there for his son at what can be a difficult time when for me it was just like "So this is who I am now, get used to it because I don't care what you think."

The thing is, nothing feels different. I still fantasize about women a lot, as my writing can attest. I still find myself almost subconsciously leaping to the defence of heterosexual men (I mentioned that twice, can you tell it's been weighing on my mind?). I still live my life the way I always do.

Are there homosexual slurs used against me? Yes, but there were when I was straight too.

I'm not denying that homophobia is still a problem because it blatantly fucking is.

The thing is though I've always been an outsider. I have always exuded victim, different, weirdo. People see me or hear me and they instinctually hate me. Best friend after best friend has betrayed me. I have been beaten, chased, threatened with rape, had more death threats than I can remember and so many plees that I kill myself. And all that happened while I was straight,

And now I'm 6foot and I have a year of shit that I was certain was gonna kill me. Granted I couldn't do much against an assault rifle but then I live in Britain, a country with sane gun control regulations. I am not scared any more.

I don't give a shit. I still feel the privilege of the straight man. The privilege of size, a sharp wit and a childhood of cycling, football and walking.

Except it's not just about me is it?

I had a date in town with a very sweet autistic guy who can't process the emotions on the face of the person he's talking to, never mind keep a weather eye on whether the locals are gonna start shit.

I may not care. I may not see the hate for myself but others are not so lucky and if I am gonna be with them I have to bare this in mind. The dreadful algebra of will homophobes try to hurt the people I care about because we display affection in public?

This has been a wake up call.