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Monday, 16 May 2016

Changes

Changes

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

So I'm doing scripted videos now. Why?

Partly it's that I've been listening to Hello Internet and Cortex and the gradual drip drip drip of CGP Grey has eroded some of my give no shit mentality and reawakened the latent capitalist I am at heart yet it is also definitely more than that.

I needed the videos to be unscripted because my real purpose was writing, Which makes sense. In so far as my life has had structure and planning writing is a key skill to focus on. Though obviously I was an entrepreneur trying to make money from the internet long before I discovered writing was my jam and videos just get more views. I know this. I watch videos every day but I put articles off so often I sometimes never read them and I only listen to audiobooks.

The problem is the writing. The problem is me. The last year has seen a lot of change for me and just now when I looked in the mirror I saw a man. Not a boy pretending he knew what he was doing but a man. I am physically very different and I am mentally very different too.

I wrote distraction fics because there was an idea I needed to explore and as I matured as a writer and a person, the ideas and concepts I was exploring required more depth until with Fuzzy Logic and 77 Shades Of Red the smut became an almost tangential part of the concept. I am pleased with how Fuzzy Logic makes full use of its female characters but with 77 Shades Of Red the narrative and world building took more and more importance and now - well it's a story of scifi vampires set in the multiverse, at this point it's basically paint by numbers. It's boring. Boring and crass if not sexist or misogynist.

I am a very changeable person and I have a habit of believing so hard in something that I think that it's true. I write. I write well and fast. So long as I don't get distracted by my less enlightened impulses. I was an entrepreneur first though. Well okay, a shit one but that was because I didn't have product to sell.

I'm not going to stop writing, because I do genuinely love it, but I think I need to remember that it is a tool in my arsenal. I spend so often, especially in dark times, trying to be happy and peppy and optimistic. I can get like a little puppy demanding attention. Please like this. Please like this. But I am a cynical cold calculating bastard when I need to be and I don't ultimately give a fuck whether anybody likes my work. I care that it gets the job done and that I am happy with it. 

These scripted videos feel right. They feel worth it. Whether they are remains to be seen but the very fact that scripted videos cannot deliver instant gratification has been a learning experience. I am drafting things now, of my own volition because there are 3 levels to this: 
  1. Is it factually and grammatically right?
  2. Can I read it out and understand it clearly for the recording?
  3. Can it act as subtitles it is that close to the finished video?
More fucking proofreading than the distraction fics ever got.

It is a funny thing. When you have all the time in the world you force yourself to have none of it because time, is oblivion but when you have to be up in the morning and you've got interviews to go to your time matters a lot more, specifically time to think about things and what you're doing and how you can be more productive.

Or maybe now the analytics seem to suggest 4chan is finally fucking off I am actually ready to drop the remorselessly cheery in the face of oblivion act? I don't know. Could be all the damn tea I';ve been drinking.

Sex is boring conceptually and so are all the other concepts I have explored now, I think if distraction fics are to continue then they need to be about exploring concepts again. Except that now I can explore concepts through scripted videos on my youtube channel,

It's odd. I feel at a cross roads. I always feel at a loss when I finish a podcast but now I'm really starting to think about the implications of getting a life and just what I want exactly from my life. And I am miles from my caeers guidance councellor ha.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be easier. At least I know I have a script to redraft and record if nothing else.

To the future and changes,