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Monday, 25 April 2016

The Paradox Of Work And Unemployment

The Paradox Of Work And Unemployment

Alexander Gordon Jahans

So there is a misconception about being unemployed. That if you're unemployed you're just lazy. And I am. To be clear I am not denying that I am lazy. I absolutely am lazy. But not when unemployed.

See I have already had a kind of mini retirement. It was after I finished school and I was just done with everything and I was just going to drink diet coke, eat pizza and watch Top Gear on Dave and I got so bored. So utterly overwhelmingly bored.

Boredom, Depression and Self Loathing is not a good mix. I know this. I know this very well. So I create jobs for myself. I make videos and I write and I save up chores so they feel like accomplishments when I do them because I need to feel like I have worked to day. This is selfish altruism and self imposed compulsivity because if I don't do something, if I don't feel like I have worked enough, I wonder quite sincerely what the point of my existence is.

So I make up bullshit jobs and on the days I'm not writing because holy fuck there is only so much creative energy, even when you're writing formulaic lust driven crap, I turn my recreation into pseudo jobs. Binge watching a letsplay or binge listening to a podcast becomes educating myself and playing video games becomes a grind to document and display or just generally feel like I am making progress at something, that I matter in some way.

Then my looking for a job pays off and I'm getting phone call after phone call. Nothing certain, all early stages but compared to where I was this is amazing. And terrifying, Suddenly all my bullshit time filling life justifying nonsense is giving me a migraine as I'm panicking about fitting it in around my work. Which is ridiculous because I don't do this seriously, I don't do any of this seriously, not even the writing. I couldn't afford to take it seriously because I couldn't afford to have something with such a slow pay off.

That's the thing about shorter, scripted, more professional videos and properly proofread fiction. It takes longer to produce a satisfactory piece of content and thus it's harder to get the same level of satisfaction. Which means it is impossible for me to do when unemployed but when I was at Uni for example and had lectures to go to and deadlines to meet, then I felt like I had worked so I could afford to spend time on something that wasn't going to give me that same feeling of accomplishment.

So if I do get a job, which I might, obviously it's going to affect effort content output because I'm going to have less time and less energy and what have you but it's also going to affect content output because then I'll want my limited creative energy to go into stuff with bigger pay off in the long term. Hence a second or a third channel for more polished stuff, if I get a job, maybe.

Anyway I basically wrote this because the migraine and the late Force Awakens video (recorded and rendered the day before) prevented me from feeling productive today by putting up something fresh, thusd this blog exists to satisfy my ridiculous need to feel productive all the damn time.

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