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Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Walsall Matt some advice on being noticed on youtube

Seventy Seven Shades Of Red Part 4 Darkness

Seventy Seven Shades Of Red

Part 4


Alexander Gordon Jahans

Darkness. All around him. He couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't feel, couldn't smell. He tried to move and was aware of dim sensation but little happened.

He lay in the dark for a long time, drifting in and out of consciousness.

Then the pain came. faintly at first then building an agonising intensity. He couldn't move from it, couldn't hide from it so he thought rhymes to himself and tried to ignore it.

He had died twice and suffered in the sun for what felt like an eternity. He was confident he'd be okay and didn't care if he was. Except this was worse pain. There was no context for it. No reason.

He wondered if this was hell? Was this punishment for his crimes? Eternal pain? No fire and brimstone? No devils with red hot pokers? Just void and pain? Sure felt like hell.

Every time he felt like a significant amount of time had passed he'd try to move. Gradually there was a sense of more sensation, of moving more and then of hard limits. His imagination was building up a mental picture, though it seemed to make no sense.

The pain was worse, somehow it had doubled. How the fuck had it doubled?

And then, yes, yes. Yes! He felt. Not dimly in his bones this time, he really fucking felt. In his finger tips, in his toes, he could feel his hearts beating. He was alive!

Fuck. He was alive. Couldn't he fucking get anything right?

He felt with his hands. Old coarse bloody wood. It was cramped, barely wider than his shoulders and shallow enough that his hands couldn't reach out at 90 degrees from his elbows.

Then somehow he was aware that he was lying down and... Was that-? Was that breath he could hear? breath and something else? Something so persistent his brain filtered it out like static? Screaming? Screaming. Someone was screaming. Who the fuck was screaming? Why?

Then something. He could see something but it was so close and so dark. He tried to lift his head and swore as he bashed it.

The screaming stopped.


It was him. His screams. The pain was so familiar and all pervading now he'd almost forgotten it.

Then he smelt. Sweat and testosterone and little bits of faecal matter. And blood. Old fatty blood pumping through thick cholesterol laden veins.

He forced himself to stop screaming, to stop breath and listen...

He could hear the man muttering over and over. "Oh, Father, Oh Lord, protect me. Oh father, Oh Lord, I do not want to die."

He forced himself to push past the muttering and focus on the blood, on the heartbeat...

Bah-poom. Bah-poom. Bah-poom.

The fucker was alive.

The fucker was a living breathing blood sack and right now that was all that mattered.

There wasn't room to manoeuvre but he didn't care. He bashed and kicked as best he could, breaking through first one wooden panel and then the other.

Bah-poom. Bah-poom. Bah-poom.

He burst from the coffin, following the smell and the sound.

Bah-poom. Bah-poom. Bah-poom.

He leapt upon his prey and clamped enlarged incisor's about the man's throat.

Bah-poom. Bah-poom. Bah-poom.

His tongue and teeth tore at flesh as his prey struggled vainly against him. The blood made him feel ecstatic and he hungered for more. Fingers like claws tore open the man's skin like a pain of cheap tights. His lips descended down the man's torso as he fed. After all what organ of a man's body is most synonymous with blood?

Shade 4

By the time Robert Marwood was finished with his prey even the marrow in the bones was gone.

He heard clapping and looked up from the last scraps of flesh.

It was Artemis, the old vampire who had objected to his being turned in the first place. There was an electric lamp by her feet so he could see that she was dressed in spurred Doc Martins, tights, a pencil skirt to just below the knees, a black cardigan and a long black cloak. Her fingernails were each an inch long and as white as the pearls on her necklace. She wore a wicked and devious smile on her face.

Robert stood up warily and grabbed a thigh bone that had been snapped in half, leaving a dangerous looking ragged edge.

Artemis stopped clapping and put her hands on her hips. "I didn't think you had it in you, boy."

Robert stared at her and was suddenly aware that he was naked. He covered himself with his hand and said "I just wanted the pain to stop."

Artemis laughed and patted him on the back. "It was a complement. Come on, lets get you a shower."

Robert followed her warily. 


After a long hot shower Robert went to his indicated guest quarters. There was a four poster bed, a large storage trunk, several bookshelves and a wardrobe with a mirror but no plug sockets, just candles. He got dressed in a three piece suit then headed after Artemis.

It was a sumptuous Victorian mansion filled with grandfather clocks ornate mantle pieces and beautiful men and women who had been dressed then frozen into position, radiant smiles fixed upon their faces.

At first Robert had assumed men and women were just particularly lifelike statues given that some had been painted gold or bronze and many were caked with dust but as he reached out to catch himself from tripping down a particularly steep set of stairs he found to his shock that the statues were still very much alive, being warm to the touch with a clear pulse.

The worst part was the eyes. The statues all had very sincere enigmatic smiles, even the ones who had been bent over and had holes drilled through them so work tops could be secured to their backs. That was horrifying and barbaric yet offered the comforting thought thatb they might not have suffered. Their eyes got to Robert the most because so many of them had been frozen in place with wide attentive gazes. His eyes watered in sympathy, especially when he saw that some statues had dust caked upon the top halves of their eyes.

The dust and statues clouded his sense of smell but there was something faint: Ancient, powerful. He followed it.


Robert came to a set of ancient dark wood doors and pushed them open only to be instantly hit with an overwhelmingly intoxicating scent. He ran through the doors, following his nose. His stomach was rumbling, he could feel the bloodlust taking him.

Young. Virgin. Blonde. Thin. Fit.

Bah-poom. Bah-poom. Bah-poom.

He closed his eyes and let his body guide him.

He leapt into the air, finger nails growing an inch into sharp claws as he fell upon her,

She was giggling as he fell upon her and his razor sharp claws tore into the tendons of her hands and feet making it impossible for her to fight back or run away as he stuck his long white teeth into her pale quivering flesh.

Then he sat back, coughing. "What the fuck are you!?"

His prey giggled then froze.

Artemis said. "Her name is Cassie and she is yours if you want her but I think we need to talk."

Robert came to his senses and looked about himself. He was straddling a young white woman who was wearing not much. Her hands and feet lay at odd angles to her body and her throat had been torn out yet she had a beautific smile on her face. He recoiled and got to his feet.

They were in a large dining hall that looked like it could feed 5000 people.

Artemis was tapping her foot impatiently as she waited for him.

"Will she be alright?" asked Robert. "Should we get her medical attention?"

"Oh she'll be fine." said Artemis testily as she led him through a break in the tables. "She'll heal while we're gone and be right as rain by the time you turn her on again."

Robert thought for a second, piecing things together. "So she's a toy? Like Lisa? Like your statues?"

"Not exactly, but good reasoning." said Artemis as she pulled a large old fashioned key from her pocket. "She was made by the same person who made the others."

"Made?" said Robert. "But these are people?"

Artemis nodded. "I think it will be easier if I show you..."

They came to the end of the large dining hall and Artemis turned the old fashioned key in an old lock. An old wooden door creaked open to reveal stainless steal and burnished chrome.

Robert froze on the threshold, staring. It looked so incongruous. A 21st century high class kitchen in a Victorian mansion. Electric induction hobs, multiple microwaves, several large fan ovens, a few dishwashers, several electric timers and even LCD screens so the kitchen staff could look up recipes and check on the diners in the hall.

"Well come in then." said Artemis irritably. "I give you permission, if that's what you're worried about?"

Robert blinked and followed Artemis into the kitchen. He could see now that there were several large chest freezers, walk in fridges, slushie machines, smoothie machines and even the odd liquid nitrogen dispenser. "Wow! You own this?"

Artemis nodded. Then she led him over to a strange part of the kitchen. There were two severe looking doors either side of a computer.

She turned to him and said "Robert, we are monsters. You realise that right? We have both eaten people alive."

Robert stared at her. "Yeah... And? What's your point?"

Artemis booted up the computer and started working away on it as she explained. "We like to think we're special. that we have free will and agency. That is sort of true. Most of the time thinking creatures do have a certain measure of choice and independent thought but to someone with the right skills, tools or abilities that limited ability to think clearly and independently can be modified to suit one's interest and once you have you can exploit that."

The door to Artemis's right started flashing and buzzing then it clicked open.

Artemis stood up from the controls and looked at Robert.

Robert approached the door cautiously and pushed it open.

A slim blonde woman in a pink skirt, a crop top and flip flops stood in the room.

Artemis handed him a remote control.

He approached the frozen woman nervously. It was Lisa, He aimed the remote at her and pushed the on button.

The frozen Lisa opened her eyes and stared at Robert for a moment then her expression softened. "Hi. I'm Lisa."

"I know..." said Robert, distinctly weirded out. He looked to Artemis for advice.

"This is how Cassie was made, how your Lisa was made, how they're all made." said Artemis.

Robert looked back to Lisa with a gaze that suggested he expected her to lunge for his throat at any moment. "You're a toy?" said Robert nervously. "A mass produced toy?"

Lisa nodded a said cheerily. "Well of course. I assume that's why you're here? You're here to take me as your own."

Robert looked back to Artemis.

Artemis shrugged.

Robert looked back to Lisa and said "Sure."

Lisa grinned and ran up to hug him.

Robert resisted for a moment as his inner feminist squirmed then he embraced her and ran a hand through her hair, muttering "I am going to hell."

Artemis said "There is no hell as you well know, you've died enough times."

Robert glared back at Artemis then led Lisa out of the room. "Honey, I need to discuss somethings then I promise we'll do what you want okay?"

Lisa smiled. "Okay."

Robert turned to Artemis. "How did you do that?"

"Logicular Replication." said Artemis before expanding when she saw the blank look on his face. "This is what happens when teleportation technology is so efficient and reliable that it can be used as a 3d printer."

Robert stared at her. "You can print people?"

Artemis nodded. "The door on the left is the input terminal. Get someone to agree to do something and you can print them out as many times as you like."

"Ahhh..." said Robert understanding. "Consent on demand. Just need to make someone agree to do something once and you can have them doing it for the rest of eternity." He glared at her. "Still fucking wrong."

Artemis smirked. "That's why we're the bad guys. The Bam-Kursh generally does the hard work of convincing people and then she mass produces them for sale so she can fund her war fleets taking over the multiverse for the 'greater good'"

"Why did you use finger quotes around 'Greater Good'?" asked Robert.

"I'm a centuries old vampire who's eaten more people than you've ever known and she's an eldritch abomination who sells people to find imperial conquests. I don't tend to trust anyone who tries to use the phrase greater good seriously in that context." said Artemis. "But she pays well."

Robert nodded. "So what about Cassie?"

Artemis chuckled. "Oh I was so overjoyed when she was announced and added to the range."

"Oh?" said Robert raising an eyebrow.

Artemis nodded. "She was branded as the cattle girl. The woman who had consented to be eaten and would heal afterwards."

Robert looked suddenly hopeful.

Artemis laughed. "Yeah, that's how I felt."

Robert's face fell.

"And that." said Artemis cackling..

Robert sighed. "Get to the point."

Artemis sobered up in in an instant and said sombrely. "She's a wereshark."

Robert looked blankly back at her. "Okay, what's that?"

"Take a seat in the dining hall." said Artemis. "This may take a while."

Robert sighed then trudged out of the kitchen with Lisa following behind.

Lisa asked. "Do you think my existence is wrong?"

Robert groaned.

Lisa said. "Only you said the process by which I was created was wrong and well that would make me wrong wouldn't it?"

"No..." said Robert, suddenly aware that he  was doing the two things he sucked most at answering philosophical questions and talking to girls. "You aren't wrong. You're glorious and magnificent and a miracle but the purpose for which the thing that created you was designed is amoral."

"Oh..." said Lisa. "So you still like me then?"

"Of course I still like you." said Robert. "I just don't want to take advantage of you."

"But what if I want you to take advantage of me?" asked Lisa.

"Then I wouldn't be taking advantage of you, would I?" said Robert.

"Ah but I'm a toy who was remade by the Bam-Kursh then created to want to be taken advantage of." said Lisa.

"Then I..." Robert fell silent as he realised they'd walked needlessly far from the kitchen. Then he saw Cassie's body up ahead and pulled out his remote and pressed the on button. Nothing happened so he tried a different remote.

Cassie giggled then sat up and looked about her surroundings.

Robert nodded. "Hey!"

Cassie grinned and got to her feet then ran over to him. "Hey."

"Sorry about earlier..." said Robert awkwardly as he stuffed the remote into his pocket.

"Don't apologise, I exist to be eaten." said Cassie cheerily then she embraced Lisa and stroked her face. "Hey, you've got a Lisa. I used to have one of my own before..." she hugged Lisa and whispered "We are going to have so much fun." in her ear.

Robert sighed and took to a seat at the nearest table.

Cassie led Lisa to take seats to his right and the two started talking quietly to each other,

Robert stared at the table and thought about how thoroughly weird his life had gotten as he tried not to overhear their conversation.

Artemis approached after a while with a bottle of scotch and two glasses. "Ah, you've got her up and about, that's good."

Robert glared at her.

Artemis placed a glass before him and filled it before taking a seat to his left. "What I have to say now may shock you but vampires don't exist."

Robert snorted. "Well of course they don't. It's also impossible to bypass Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle without using Quantum Entanglement that would destroy the original. It is absolutely impossible to turn people's minds on and off. It is also impossible to recover from having your throat torn out in a matter of minutes. And it is completely impossible to come back from the dead, not just once, but twice."

He glared at her.

Artemis smiled. "You're angry, I like it."

"I'm annoyed." said Robert. "Damn annoyed, you'd know if I was angry."

Artemis smirked. "Yes, I think I would."

An awkward moment passed between them as she looked at him with pride and he glared with all the scorn he could muster.

"Vampires don't exist because demons don't exist. Demons don't exist because hell doesn't exist. Hell doesn't exist because there is no god or heaven. There is no god or heaven because the eldritch entities which pre-dated the multiverse would never countenance such threats to their power." said Artemis succinctly.

"Then what are we?" asked Robert.

"Werebats." said Artemis.

"You're shitting me?" said Robert. "Werebats? How?"

"The laws of physics are not immutable." said Artemis. "In any given reasonably large multiverse you are going to find universes where the physics is radically different from our own. The fundamental substrate of the multiverse must thus be able to support any possible variation of physics. You with me so far?"

"Well yeah..." said Robert.

"Beings from outside the multiverse like the Bam-Kursh can thus exploit this property to alter physics as they see fit at a very local level. This is how Lisa can function as if whole even when dissected." said Artemis.

Robert looked to Lisa.

Cassie was using a steak knife to remove Lisa's left hand as Lisa watched with rapt attention and delight.

Robert nodded then looked back to Artemis.

"If the Bam-Kursh can do it then a large enough multiverse beings can evolve with the power to manipulate physics in the same way. "said Artemis. "One of these creatures was the wereshark. It was a parasitic viral organism mutating people's dna and logic to allow for quick spread amongst early man but as neanderthal genes became more and more dispersed the werewolves ceased to be able to infect people. They were hunted down and killed until eventually only one was left, an old bitch."

"And? What happened?" asked Robert.

"No one really knows but there is a legend." said Artemis. "She was old and dying. She had watched every litter of pups she'd ever had die. It was the end of her species so she made a pilgrimage to cradle of life, the home of newly evolved species, the Galapagos Islands. It was a fool's errand in the hope that something there might be so new her dna could bind with it and so secure the survival of the species. Something came to prey upon her and with her last breath she channelled all her strength and power into a desperate bid for her species' survival."

Robert swallowed. "And in one universe it was a bit whist in another it was a shark?"

"Exactly." said Artemis. "That's why we can't feed on Cassie, no matter how much she might want us to. The blood of the last great werewolf runs through her as it does us. The difference is of course that she is part sylph to balance out the murderous hunger of the wolf while we fight it by satisfying it in more controlled ways."

Robert nodded. "So why don't you just find someone you like and put them in the machine?"

"Because the Bam-Kursh would demand payment." said Artemis. "I am not going to bargain with someone who turns weresharks into cattle."

"But if you could then the bloodshed would end as the vampires wouldn't need to prey on the humans." said Robert.

Artemis nodded.

"Then what would be a suitable payment?" asked Robert.

"A vampire." said Artemis. "For her to do with as she wishes."

Robert shuddered and stared at her like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Artemis frowned then chuckled with realization. "Oh relax, I'm not about to ask anyone to make that sacrifice but that's what Cassie is and that's why we hunt because if we don't, we become monsters. Think of it like a tax to maintain the peace."

Robert frowned. "I killed that man because of the hunger."

Artemis nodded. "We go for the neck so it's quick and painless. You didn't grant him that mercy."

Robert raked his face with his hands and groaned,

"If it makes you feel any better he was a tory who wanted the NHS privatised." said Artemis.

Robert looked sharply at her. "What do you fucking care about the NHS?"

Artemis looked at him like he was an imbecile "I've gotta look out for my food supply haven't I? More immigration, more free education, a better quality free health care system, all these things make for happier healthier cattle who are more likely to create new cattle. I don't want some over weight chain smoker who lives on the dole, give me a smoothie drinking yoga going graduate who volunteers to charities that feed children in Africa. Much tastier."

Robert stared at her then sighed. "Okay, I'm not dead and I've once again ended up with women I don't deserve. What the fuck do I do?"

"Your job." said Artemis. "Kill the tory minister for the department of work and pensions."

"How?" asked Robert. "I'm not a killer."

Artemis glared at him. "Well how do I get to him?"

"Use them." said Artemis, pointing to Lisa and Cassie. "I've got a costume for you to wear."

Robert sighed. "Then can I go home?"

"You can rejoin Stephanie, your other Lisa and Kate, yes." said Artemis.

Robert groaned. "This is a nightmare. This is an absolute nightmare."

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

To Block Or Not To Block Comments

To Block Or Not To Block Comments

Alexander Gordon Jahans

So... 4chan hates me.

Well no, hate's too strong a word. 4chan is infatuated with trying to harm me for the luls  It's like the Joker blowing up half the city just to get to Batman. It is extreme obsessive douchebaggery for the sake of a laugh and a weird respect and pity for someone so similar that they can't quite understand but who fascinates them and makes them laugh with their reaction.

And I'm not Batman. I'm nowhere near that insane nor extraordinary. I'm just an idiot making videos on the internet and aside from that time I said we should invade North Korea I'm not saying anything controversial. Unless you happen to be a cold hearted, selfish, sadistic, amoral, xenophobic, misogynist, which pretty much sums up what 4chan finds funny.

Now I'm not here to debate or discuss. I don't want your opinion. I'm here to lay out a dilemma I have and my reasons for picking either action so you know. You see I sorted out my email today, well mostly, and thast means I now have a neat little sub folder for youtube notifications.. They're not in my face, they're not on my mind. I don't care about them. Except I have approved comments only.

Approved Comments Only means I have to take action on the comments or that number is going to keep building until the end of time unless I see to them. Which was fine when I was getting email notifications in my face every day because that meant I knew I could address that problem. I could delete the negative comments.

I want to do get rid of Approved Comments Only, I want to let chaos reign in the comments. I meant fuck it I've already been doxxed right? What are they gonna do, doxx me again?  I guarantee you my home address is backed up ready to be circulated again at a moment's notice. The only answer is to move house and make sure I don't have contact with anyone who might give away my location. So let chaops reign. Let the death threats and the insults and the pleas that I commit suicide build impotently until 4chan gets bored.

Except the fuckers have already gone after my family so why should I give them so much as a fucking inch? Why should I let them say their horrible piece when it could harm those I care about? Remove the comments section. If people want to contact me there are other ways. Give up on the youtube comments system altogther and stop people posting there. At least this way I'm not presenting a show room for any doxxing that might go on.

I just wish 4chan would get bored already because I'm sure bored of them.

What videos of mine should I remake for the new channel?

Monday, 25 April 2016

The Paradox Of Work And Unemployment

The Paradox Of Work And Unemployment

Alexander Gordon Jahans

So there is a misconception about being unemployed. That if you're unemployed you're just lazy. And I am. To be clear I am not denying that I am lazy. I absolutely am lazy. But not when unemployed.

See I have already had a kind of mini retirement. It was after I finished school and I was just done with everything and I was just going to drink diet coke, eat pizza and watch Top Gear on Dave and I got so bored. So utterly overwhelmingly bored.

Boredom, Depression and Self Loathing is not a good mix. I know this. I know this very well. So I create jobs for myself. I make videos and I write and I save up chores so they feel like accomplishments when I do them because I need to feel like I have worked to day. This is selfish altruism and self imposed compulsivity because if I don't do something, if I don't feel like I have worked enough, I wonder quite sincerely what the point of my existence is.

So I make up bullshit jobs and on the days I'm not writing because holy fuck there is only so much creative energy, even when you're writing formulaic lust driven crap, I turn my recreation into pseudo jobs. Binge watching a letsplay or binge listening to a podcast becomes educating myself and playing video games becomes a grind to document and display or just generally feel like I am making progress at something, that I matter in some way.

Then my looking for a job pays off and I'm getting phone call after phone call. Nothing certain, all early stages but compared to where I was this is amazing. And terrifying, Suddenly all my bullshit time filling life justifying nonsense is giving me a migraine as I'm panicking about fitting it in around my work. Which is ridiculous because I don't do this seriously, I don't do any of this seriously, not even the writing. I couldn't afford to take it seriously because I couldn't afford to have something with such a slow pay off.

That's the thing about shorter, scripted, more professional videos and properly proofread fiction. It takes longer to produce a satisfactory piece of content and thus it's harder to get the same level of satisfaction. Which means it is impossible for me to do when unemployed but when I was at Uni for example and had lectures to go to and deadlines to meet, then I felt like I had worked so I could afford to spend time on something that wasn't going to give me that same feeling of accomplishment.

So if I do get a job, which I might, obviously it's going to affect effort content output because I'm going to have less time and less energy and what have you but it's also going to affect content output because then I'll want my limited creative energy to go into stuff with bigger pay off in the long term. Hence a second or a third channel for more polished stuff, if I get a job, maybe.

Anyway I basically wrote this because the migraine and the late Force Awakens video (recorded and rendered the day before) prevented me from feeling productive today by putting up something fresh, thusd this blog exists to satisfy my ridiculous need to feel productive all the damn time.

Star Wars The Force Awakens Reaction

Friday, 22 April 2016

Don't Give Up

Don't Give Up

Alexander Gordon Jahans

So things are tough. I had a bad day yesterday, got very dark. This is when you find yourself reminded of what keeps you going. Now I have friends and a family that does somehow still give a shit about me but I find that never really keeps me going. It's irrational but I find the idea of marching on because I have faith in my family and friends mawkish. Also I like to keep a protective distance, especially now I know 4chan is willing to dox and knows where I live. Then again it seems 2chan has facial recognition software to play with so perhaps I should just accept the day I am inevitably cornered by a gun weilding trump supporter using cuck like it's an actual insult.

So how do I keep going? How does a self loathing, autistic, infertile, dysphoria addled, unemployed, rationalist stop himself from self slaughter? Well I do what I always do, watch youtube videos, listen to podcasts and keep going. Except that's the means, not the reason. That's like answering the question of why free market capitalism sucks by pointing at the people it fucks over. You're addressing the consequence, not the higher rationale.  Yes free market capitalism is bad because it kills people but that is only a consequence of the fact that free market capitalism does not actually result in a free market. There will always be a super predator, you can either have that superpredator controlled by the democratic will of the people to keep the peace and preserve the freedom of the market place or you can step back and watch an uncontrollable super predator with no such limitations control the markets.

So what is my rationale for not killing myself? For not giving up? I mean Zarquon knows it's tempting. I mean if you believe in reincarnation or life after death there'll always be that little bit of doubt about where the next life might be worse but I'm an anti-theistic atheist, as far I'm concerned I know what awaits me in death. Dying might suck. Dying could be ridiculously painful because fuck I don't know how to stab a guy, let alone myself, but I know what death is. Death is nothing. Not even void. There is no consciousness, there is no pain, there is no regret. That is so tempting. But I'm needed and so are you.

The world needs us. I keep seeing people feeling low and I've seen the figures about how many have killed themselves as a result of this government. I understand. Oh Zarquon, I understand. To just leave the suffering and the bullshit. To leave this sinful place of tories and bigots and misogynistic bastards. I do not condemn anyone who falls for that siren song and I hope they find the peace they wanted but we cannot keep killing ourselves. The world needs us to fight for it, especially because we consider ourselves expendable.

In the land of the narcissist who has themselves taken care of the person with nothing to lose is king. too many people are terrified to lose their jobs, are terrified that their families might lose their jobs. The system we have at the moment is oppression through maths. It is not democracy. It is a system designed to oppress with just enough force to ensure that there is never actually revolution. It is the smart man's approach to feudalism,  People have ipads and facebook so of course they're going to look the other way as the disabled are fucked over yet again and people in other jobs are fucked over. So we need every last person who won't look the other way. We need you to not commit suicide if you can.

Sure individually your vote might not mean much but together we are an avalanche reshaping the political landscape. Your voice matters, your opinion matters, your vote matters, your life matters. Not because you are some unique special snowflake but because a blizzard is nothing without snowflakes, because drought can't be stopped without rain drops, because politicians are powerless without us. Oh the filthy rich may pay millions for advertising campaigns but we can be an advertising campaign on our own and together our voices can drown out the corporate horseshit. You matter.

A podcast I rather love by Brady Haran and CGP Grey called Hello Internet has a phrase I rather love. You see they've got this ongoing segment of the show where they check up on their weight and they call it the Fittotron 5000. They say the secret to he Fittotron 5000 lifestyle is not never putting on weight again but in accepting that you are always going to have times where you fall off the wagon and the trick is getting back on again. 

That's what I've learned this past year and it is my best advice to you if you have similar problems. There will always be bad days when dying seems so very very tempting, the trick is going on with your life afterwards. We all have bad days but you say no to temptation and you keep on going, The world needs you. You are important. Don't give up.

No, I am not going to delete my videos

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Confronting The Fear

Confronting The Fear

Alexander Gordon Jahans

So I've been listening to School of Movies take on the Hero's Journey and Monomyth while playing minecraft and... Well stories have always been how I learned to understand myself and the world because I was the autistic loser nobody understood how to help, so listening to this idea of monomyth has really made me reflect on my own life. Particularly on this idea from Red Dwarf. That what separates Ace Rimmer from Rimmer is that Ace Rimmer was set back a year and that caused him to knuckle down. 

I have been expecting this moment of set back and knuckling down for a while and for a few times I thought I'd missed it. That I was doomed to be Rimmer because I scraped by at the last moment. I assumed that like Ace I'd find I wan't as smart or moral as I thought, That it would be some lesson in hard work. Except I think I've had my reformative year of being set back now and I don't think that's the lesson.

This last year I have been tested physically and mentally. I have had my sense of trust broken time after time and I have been physically broken more than once. With this continual testing of my mental character. I sprained my wrist in a bad fall, I quit my job on the first day because I wasn't fit enough, I had this whole ordeal around having low testosterone and the physical consequences of that.

I  thought when I finished school that I could not be bought lower but this may have done it. Betrayal, physical weakness and berating myself. Facing the demons of my own self. My morality was a problem setting me at odds with my family. My body was failing me. My sense of faith and trust in others continually undermined to the point where my own willingness to trust became the problem, 

I am not done yet. The trials are not yet over but I see them now. I have a context now. I am not strong or determined, I am soft and indecisive but if you challenge me there is a core of stubbornness resilience and logic that will answer without hesitation. Whether my parents intended it or not they have taught me how to navigate the trials by forcing me to confront myself. To make the soft uncertain creative listen to the cold hard pragmatist. 

This past year I have faced tremendous abuse. Fuck, the police proceedings regarding the doxxing are barely beginning. Yet this is the year that showed me that bullying is not the problem I once thought it was. that fear is not the problem I once thought it was. Heck. I wouldn't be in the good place I am if 4chan weren't a bunch of bullying arseholes who misgendered people and kept demanding to see their tits. The old nightmare became the key to my salvation even if it now crosses the line to be a threat to me and my family. 

I used to have horrific nightmares about sharks until I started feeding myself to them in the dreams to break the illusion of reality. This past year that practise terrified me. I mean that's what I do with seemingly impossible scenarios, right? I kill myself? So how the fuck do I move forward if I am facing a contextual equivalent to sharks to all sides? The same exact thing. And not as a terrifying vindication of foreshadowing but for the same reason as in the dream. To break the illusion, to call the bluff of my worst nightmare and dare it to go through with it. Because shit happens. terrifying horrible unstoppable shit. But sometimes it doesn't kill you and until it does you can keep fighting for the greater good and you might float on, okay. I am not afraid any more. Not because I am immortal and ever prepared but because I am at peace with the idea that I may be wrong and have top suffer the consequences. Considering how much failure and the fear of suffering has ruined my life and affected me this passt year, this revelation and lesson is fucking invaluable.

There have been three things that this past year seems to keep coming back to. That I had to quit my job on the first day because I was too unfit. That I refuse to go on Job Seeker's Allowance because doing so would mean breaking the rules if I wanted to keep doing the youtube videos and blog. That I won't lie on my CV. These three things represent physical frailty, an inability to see nuance and a lack of tact. All things that have held me back from financial success in one way or another and all things I needed to conquer. My physical frailty was almost solved by supernatural aid in the form of my NHS endocrinologist and testosterone injections though obviously walking every week and cycling every day on my minibike help too. My understanding of nuance was actually gained by dint of the constant betrayals and the realisation that from a certain point of view my dad really was the victim of a gold digging narcissist. My understanding of tact came from having to adjust to the fact that I am dependent on said gold digging narcissist giving a crap about somebody other than herself.

The thing that really cements this idea though is that for this idea to be correct I would need to come out of this year radically different. Now obviously I am physically different thanks to the fact that I am actually a man with testosterone running through his veins now. And I am a mildly autistic moralist who has learned to see nuance and use tact but ultimately what makes a man instead of a boy is the confidence to be independent. I would always call upon a higher power if shit came to fuck right? I mean I was terrified of allowing myself to use violence, being on the wrong end of things and this past year those fears came true. I had nobody to turn to. I was on my own and I did something stupid and ill thought out that saw me being the bad guy but it worked. The man who had made my life a living hell learned that I was not going to put up with it any more and now that fear isn't there because he knows I can push back if I want to. If I want to. That I can do the amoral thing to get rid of a problem and it can work. If I want to or need to.

I used to say I wouldn't teach myself to fight because I didn't want to risk hurting anyone but that's ridiculous. If you don't trust yourself not to hurt someone you've got problems and I did but I don't anymore. I am capable of many many things after this year but I am still me, still the nerd who wrote Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fanfiction in the school library instead of going outside and playing sports. I am never going to be a ripped ass body builder sports fanatic who could break a guy in a hundred different ways using just his pinky but not because I am physically incapable of doing that or morally against that. I'd just rather spend my time consuming media and writing and that's okay.

Trans People Should Use The Toilet Appropriate To Their Gender Identity

Bernie Sanders lost New York and Trump is stiffed by the Republican Party

Minecraft Solar Survival take 2 episode 2

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Seventy Seven Shades Of Red Part 3 The Queen Of The Vampire Lords NSFW

Seventy Seven Shades Of Red

Part 3

The Queen Of The Vampire Lords

Alexander Gordon Jahans

We staggered back to the old manor house that served as home. Lisa stuck close by Stephanie at my insistence but she kept watching me as though at any moment I might faint or take off madly into the distance. I was stuck in the moment, sniffing the air, watching all about us, listening for danger. It was almost comforting in a way, felt like I was playing through one of those annoying escort missions and I was just waiting for the moment I would have to fight people off while trying to keep Stephanie alive. Fortunately however the journey was uneventful.

Kate stood in the open doorway as we approached. She sniffed the air as we approached. "You bring livestock? I had not taken you for a hunter?"

She said it with an amused smile.

I am afraid I was not as polite as I could have been. I towered over her. "She is under my protection. My protection, you understand? If anything happens to her, anything, I will - I will -"

Kate smiled at me and laid a finger to my lips. "Under your protection? I understand. I'll take good care of her and rest assured I will run any major changes past you first."

I sighed and rubbed my brow. "She needs to be safe. I need her to be safe. no feeding from her."

"She will be safe, I assure you." said Kate, she seemed to be studying my features curiously, "Come in, I think you could ll do with a rest.."

We followed her inside, through a hallway and into a room with ancient sofas and armchairs opposite a large plasma screen tv. Me and Lisa sat protectively either side of Stephanie. My brain still expected sirens to sound and a boss monster to turn up unexpectedly before Stephanie would be properly safe.

Kate stood before and smiled welcomingly at us as we entered. She waited until we had sat dowen before she took to her seat. "So... who's your new friend then?"

I looked to Stephanie.

She coughed nervously. "Umm, I'm Stephanie, I'm umm... They saved my life. Who are you?"

"Stephanie?" said Kate feeling the syllables out in her mouth. "Nice name. Well Stephanie, my name is Kate and I'm a vampire."

Stephanie shifted nervously. "I, umm, gathered."

Kate chuckled lightly. "Funny story really. I turned Robert the other day. I'm quite proud of him, that he managed to capture such a fare specimen so soon after rebirth."

Stephanie swallowed and stared at me.

I glared at Kate. "Captured?"

Kate chuckled again. "Ah yes, I'm sorry. You are under Robert's protection. And yet I can smell your blood on his breath and here you are, in his parlour."

I thought the ultra sound on my testicles was awkward but sitting there in that room, with those people, at that moment, topped it.

Stephanie muttered "Shit." under her breath.

Lisa spoke up. "It's really not as simple as that. There were vampires coming after her, this was the only way to ensure she would be protected."

Kate smiled at Lisa. "So you fed her to a vampire and took her away from her life? Well what a clever plan to ensure her life wouldn't be taken by a vampire as her blood was drained from her body."

I grunted and glared aty Kate but looked away.

Kate smiled at Stephanie warmly. "You are his you know? I shall endeavour to see that you are protected and safe and happy but you are his and you are cattle."

I growled. "She's human..."

"Yes..." said Kate cheerily. "And we are vampires. Stephanie, you are cattle. You are going to be eaten regularly."

I stared at Kate.

Kate ignored me. "You are food. That is your purpose here. that is your role. Now the good news is that as Robert's livestock you will enjoy certain rights and privileges that I can assure you no other livestock enjoys. I want you to be happy, to be healthy, to be vibrant and full of life, so Robert can take it from you as he has and will again."

Stephanie was horrified. "What's going to happen to me?"

Kate thought for a second then said "There is a bath upstairs, I suggest you use it. I'll find you some clothes and a room to call your own with internet access. There is food in the kitchen but if you need anything special just ask. Settle in, settle down and make yourself comfortable. When I am certain you are ready I will speak with Robert about certain procedures livestock such as yourself normally undergoes. There shall be no taking of your blood and flesh unless Robert is okay with it."

Stephanie stared at her. "But I - I don't want to -"

"Run a bath." said Kate firmly. "Relax."

Stephanie held Kate's gaze for a moment then got up to leave for the bathroom.

"Now..." said Kate warmly. "I have not seen a Lisa in quite sometime and I have to say I am impressed by how much confidence you have."

Lisa smiled. "Well I was there..."

Kate nodded. "You're Robert's little toy girl, right? How is he?"

"A gent." said Lisa, reaching out to pat my back. "He's a real gent,"

"Bet you hate that?" said Kate with a grin.

Lisa giggled and blushed.

"Do you know what I did to my Lisa?" said Kate.

Lisa leaned forward conspiratorially. "What did you do?"

"I carved the bones from her flesh and sewed her into a punching bag then turned her mind off." said Kate with the same tone someone might use for explaining to a friend about the hot date they had.

Lisa stared at Kate in silence for a moment.

Kate looked her up and down then patted her lap.

Lisa vaulted the coffee table and was on Kate's lap in a moment. "What did you do with the bones?"

"Whittled cutlery from them." said Kate with a smirk.

Lisa stared at her. "What about the healing factor?"

Kate chuckled and ran a hand through Lisa's hair as she looked mischievously at Lisa. "Keeps me stopped up on cutlery and the skulls make fantastic bowls."

Lisa giggled. "So what are you going to do to me?"

"Nothing." said Kate as she pulled Lisa close.

"Nothing?" said Lisa.

"Well you aren't my toy to destroy." said Kate.

Lisa frowned. "Aww..."

Kate smirked and took Lisa's head in her hands and she stroked her cheeks with her thumbs."Well, alright, since you are so very willing and looks like you've had a bad day."

She snapped Lisa's neck and tossed the girl's lifeless body to the ground. "Robert, we need to talk, what the fuck happened out there?"

"There were vampires..." I said.

"Well no shit." said Kate.

"They were going after Stephanie and I- Well I couldn't just let her die could I?" I said.

Kate stared at me.

"We explained the situation and fortified the house but they came for her and...I killed them." I stared at Kate. "I killed them and then we realised the vampires were going to keep coming and she was dead without someone to protect her but I had no... food."

Kate groaned,

"It was Lisa's idea. I just- I wanted to die. I wanted her to kill me but then she didn't and now here we are." I said.

"Robert, she's a fucking toy girl. She literally comes with an off switch and if you play with her enough she literally stops thinking and starts obeying." said Kate with the tone someone might reserve for explaining how to use a computer to a particularly techno illiterate relative.

"Well I didn't fucking know that." I said. "Maybe you shouldn't have bought me back? I committed suicide. Past tense. I succeeded. I was dead."

Kate shook her head. "I can fix this. You can be happy, Stephanie can be happy and Lisa can be happy but you do realise you have a responsibility now? There are things that can be done to protect Stephanie but if you don't take ownership of her, if you don't feed from her, someone else will. That is prime beef just casually trotting about up there, someone is going to eat it if you don't and I have a feeling you'll go about it a damn sight more humanely."

"I know..." I said. "Shit, I know."

"And also you killed a vampire. You really shouldn't have fucking done that." said Kate. "Humans are prey. They die. It's what they do. Vampires do not kill vampires."

"They were going to kill her." I said.

"Yeah..." said Kate incredulously. "She's prime beef. I'm having to resist the urge to carve her up myself."

I stared at her.

Kate frowned then said. "You let them die, Robert, I know it's tough but you let them die. You are not a human. You are not on the side of the humans. You're a vampire."

I was flabbergasted. "But vampires are monsters."

"We're predators. There's a difference." said Kate. "The Human Race are farmers. They breed animals for size, quick growth and large litters. They breed animals on an industrial scale and slaughter billions but only after having a short miserable life. The Human Race treats its prey with ridiculous contempt then calls itself so much more noble and civilised but we, vampires, are the civilised creatures. Our prey is not horribly mutated by breeding programs, taken from its mother early and over fed so they develop quickly. Our prey takes 20 leisurely years to reach maturity and experience life. Our prey has ipads and smart watches and democracy and our prey has degrees and popular culture. And then when our prey dies we use every last cut of them."

"Yes, but pigs aren't fucking sapient." I said. "Pigs aren't capable of writing Macbeth or programming a computer to play chess. Pigs don't write poems to their loved ones and vague blog when pissed off. Pigs can't fly in machines they've built."

Kate stared at me in disgust. "So it's fine to eat the thick then? Just have a nom on the comatose the brain dead and the elderly? Maybe open up a slaughter house for bigots and anti-vaxxers. Hell considering Stephanie was talked round to being your cattle by a toy girl she's surely thick enough to deserve death by your logic."

"But she's human!" I cried in frustration.

"And they were vampires!" cried Kate. "Like you, like me, like Artemis. You killed people for the sake of one thick human whose life you have destroyed anyway."

I stared at her then groaned. "God, I want to die."

I raked my hands across my face then stared at the floor.

I heard foot steps and the door slamming shut.

I find myself having flashbacks. Falling, the lurch in my stomach followed by the crunch of my bones. Then killing, stabbing over and over, just pounding it again and again until they stopped. The adrenaline and the fear and horrible sensation of life fading by my hands. The guilt. Oh god, the guilt.

I don't know how long I sat alone in that room trapped in the past but my torment was broken by the sound of the door swinging open followed by tutting and footsteps.

I looked up.

Artemis, the old vampire, was lifting Lisa to her feet. She looked the young woman up and down fondly, caressing her and stroking her hair. "Hey..." she said in a small quiet yet cheerful voice.

Lisa smiled at her "Hey."

Artemis ran her strong hand down Lisa's pert young legs and said in a raised voice "You know I have a Lisa of my own? Well, I have a few of them actually."

I grunted.

Artemis backed onto the sofa and Lisa followed, enthralled.

Artemis was treating the young woman as if she was a cat, I realised. There was the same awed attention and playful caressing. For her part Lisa seemed quite content and happy as the old woman ran her hands about her.

Artemis noticed me looking. "Beautiful isn't she? I don't really have time for mine.  too busy hunting but every birthday, mine and hers, I wake her from her slumber and make her happy."

I caught her gaze.

She nodded then paused to gaze at Lisa's gleaming smile. "She's so beautiful when she's happy. Well she's beautiful anyway, that's why she sells so well, but when she's happy she radiates it and I find it lifts my mood."

Artemis turned her attention to me and said "I think you could use a little happy."

"I killed someone." I said, the words dropping from my lips like anvils.

Artemis frowned, squeezed my shoulder and looked into my eyes. "You committed suicide, want to talk about it?"

I stared at her for a long moment and frowned. I wanted to say something. I really did but it was all so insane, so my mouth hung open like a goldfish,

Artemis nodded and turned her attention back to Lisa. "I didn't give you the full breakdown of what Lisa has to offer did I? You see she is a ridiculously smart woman if you let her use that brain of hers but she's also a toy so if you know what you're doing and you touch her just right..."

Artemis leaned back and smiled as she gazed at Lisa.

There was something different about Lisa actually, almost unnoticable at first. Still that gleaming smile, that poise and beauty but there was something subtly off about her expression and her eyes. She wasn't looking at anyone or anything in particular just looking brightly at noone.

"Lay down on top of us." said Artemis quietly.

Lisa lay down across our laps, her dress trailing off the edge of the sofa. She gazed brightly up at nothing.

Artemis set her wrinkled fingers about the lace on Lisa's corset.

Lisa did not react.

"What are you -?" I began.

Artemis shushed me and muttered "As smart and kind and wonderful as Lisa is as a person, as a toy she is delightfully obedient and without will of her own."

Artemis loosened the corset about Lisa's wait then removed her dress as she lay passively on our laps.

I looked away in disgust then I heard giggling. Lisa was alter and attentive again and blushing as Artemis removed her underwear.

"Okay..." I said in horrified disgust.

"It's fine." said Lisa amused. "I like it."

"This is - Well this has got to be pretty close to rape, right? I mean she couldn't consent." I said, incredulous.

Lisa giggled.

Artemis chuckled. "Lisa's a toy. She likes to be dominated and humiliated."

Lisa nodded.

"Now say Cheese" said Artemis.

I looked at her like she was mad and heard Lisa practically squee "Cheese!" then I saw armis remove a small cylinder from a pocket and press a button.

"This is her remote control." said Artemis. "I just turned off her mind. Feel free to turn it back on later."

She gave me the remote. "Enjoy her, Rob. If you want someone to lash out at, someone to awn over and care for or even just something retty to look at Lisa is yours to help you feel happy."

I stared at her.

Artemis sighed. "I can't solve your problems but I can be here if you want to talk and ensure you're not alone."

She held my gaze for a long moment and I sighed. "Look, my story isn't special or unique. Shit family, useless degree, health problems and the crushing quest to get a job in a fucked up world where the sadists have power."

Artemis smiled sadly then pulled me into a bear hug.

I croaked. "Umm, thanks..."

Artemis pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "i know that the scars may never fully heal but you are safe, practically immortal, you have as new family and you have the time to study whatever you want without fear of being held back by capitalism because you don't need a salary or a pension or an employment contract. You get out there, pick a target, drain them dry and take their stuff. We'll always have your back."

Then Artemis patted Lisa's rigid bare legs. "And she will always be waiting for you at home, ready to be whatever you need her to be."

 Artemis studied me for a moment then said. "Feel better."

I nodded. "Thanks, I... I guess I just looked on this extra life as a curse."

"Well it isn't." said Artemis then she hugged me again before leaving.

I fumbled with the remote I had been given and Lisa frowned. "Aww, I liked her."

"She stripped you." I said pointedly.

"She also tore me limb from limb and both actions made me very happy." said Lisa, pouting.

I groaned.

"So what are we doing?" asked Lisa.

"Going home." I said.

"Where's that?" asked Lisa.

So I led her to my bedroom and she pulled out a more modern number from the wardrobe that showed off her body more.

There was a knock at the door and Lisa went to answer it.

Lisa led our guest into my view. It was Stephanie wearing a low cut top and a short skirt. She was visibly awkward and nervous. "So, umm, I didn't wanna disobey that woman because she's umm, she's scary but I'm hoping I mean umm..." she trailed off and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, her arms folded across her chest looking at me pensively.

I paused the tv and sighed. "Stephanie, I just want you be happy and safe and if I knew another way-"

"I know." said Stephanie cutting me off. "But I still don't know how to be around you because I don't know what I am to you."

"You're a person." I said. "Things might have to happen which affect our relationship but you are a person so take a seat and chill the fuck out."

Stephanie nodded and fell back into an arm chair like she was retreating to a fortified position. "So me and you, we're...?"

"People." I said, looking her in the eyes. "We're all just people every one of us."

Lisa nodded and took a seat beside me on the sofa.

I found myself smiling as she rested her head on my shoulder and I hugged her tight.

Lisa looked up at me then smiled before nuzzling against me as she got comfortable.

"Lisa may be a very literal interpretation and you may technically be a prey animal that I feed upon but we are all just people." I said. "We're all equal in our own ways."

Stephanie sighed and almost melted into the armchair with relief. "Thank you, I promise you, I'll be worth it. I know it can't have been easy, killing those people."

I nodded. "I still see them when I close my eyes you know?"

Stephanie nodded. "My mind keeps replaying it over and over and I didn't even do anything."

"Well you're safe now." I said.

"I know." said Stephanie. "Thank you."

I smiled at her.

She smiled back.

I reached for the TV remote.

Stephanie said suddenly. "You can ask you know?"

I looked at her curiously.

"I'm not saying I'll say yes but you can ask." said Stephanie,

"Ask what?" I asked, baffled.

"Anything." said Stephanie. "I owe you my life. Anything you wanna know, anything you want me to do, ask."

I stared at her.

"I mean if you feel like it." said Stephanie with a shrug.

I turned on the TV.


They came at night.

I don't know how many.

I was asleep. Fuck, I was asleep.

My hands were bound behind my back and something was rammed up my arse as a gag was placed in my mouth.

Lisa and Stephanue were similarly restrained. 

I thanked god I had decided to wear pyjamas to bed and then the clothes were torn from my body and I was carried with Stephanie and Lisa into a van as big vampires in body armor stood watch over us and salivated over Stephanie.

I couldn't think straight from fear.

After what felt like an age the van stopped and we were carried through into a large black building. We were carried through into a central courtyard lined with ash where a hundred or more holes had been drilled into cement and fitted with locking mechanisms. The purpose of which was soon made apparent as we were yoked to poles that were held aloft by those locking mechanisms.

I looked around. Lisa looked almost orgasmicly excited while Stephanie's pole was visibly slick with a brown substance, indicative of just how much she was not enjoying the experience. the walls seemed to be made of mirrors that, yes, I could see myself in very well, thank you. Not that I'd want to look at the overweight shivering pink mess that I saw there.

We hung on our poles in silence for a few minutes. I tried humming the Journey of the Sorcerer to calm myself.

"Dah, da, da-da-dah, Dan-dan, dah-dah, Dah, da-da-dah..."

Lisa joined in cheerily.

Stephanie hesitantly caught on.

It was mournful, out of key and made by humming around ball gags but it worked. It meant we could have a distraction from the pain and humiliation. The air itself seemed to start to glow and I smelt something new, getting more powerful and closer all the time. I started to hear reinforcement to our humming. Gentle at first but getting fiercer and more bass as it got louder.

Then there were fireworks.

A man in an odd suit was strumming away at an electric guitar. He didn't smell like a vampire. He was playing the tune. The Journey of the Sorcerer.

I stopped and stared.

Stephanie and Lisa followed soon after.

Suddenly his face filled the mirrors, huge crooked teeth in a wicked grin. "Well hello my pretties!"

He jumped from the stage far above and hovered on jet boots. "Allow me to introduce myself, I am the Farsh-nuke!"

He grinned at me then flow over to Stephanie and started groping her. "I must say, you have good taste!"

"Enough!" boomed an authoritative woman's voice. A visibly old woman in ornate robes and a crown sat on a throne on a balcony way above that the screen mirrors were now allowing us to see.

The Farsh-nuke cried "Oh but I'm having so much fun!"

"We are here to try the defendant, not his dependants!" snapped the woman.

The Farsh-nuke flew back to his stage dejectedly.

"Forgive my Court Jester, he does not get out a lot." said the old woman. "I am Gaia, Queen of the Vampire Lords, you have been found guilty of murder of three of our kin and as such you and all your dependents are to be destroyed, how do you plead?"

I was going to try and croak something witty about the ball gags when mine vanished. "Don't kill them!" I cried instead.

"Why not? They will die without you anyway?" said the Queen.

I shook my head. "I have a friend. She can look after them, she can see that they are cared for."

"Why should they live?" asked the Queen. "You have been found guilty and by our laws that means death, for you, and for your dependants. that is the sentence. Why should they get lesser?"

"Because they did no wrong." I pleaded.

An old man in an an uncomfortable looking chair came up on screen. "Perhaps he has a point your majesty. As you said so yourself. We are trying the defendant not his dependants."

The Queen looked to the old man shrewdly then sighed. "Perhaps you are right, Elias? I am still shaken by having to execute the children."

The old man nodded. "Whatever you think is best, my royal highness."

The Queen nodded thoughtfully for a moment then said. "Very well. I give you my word that your dependants shall be well looked after."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

The Queen added. "If you plead guilty."

I stared at the reflection in the mirror then sighed. "I am guilty, your royal highness. Now, look after them. they deserve better than me anyway."

The Queen smiled. "Thank you. you are lucky. there is a way your sentence might be reduced. If you agree to take on a mission for me you may avoid death."

I thought for a moment then cried. "I'll do it."

"Excellent." said the Queen.

Then the mirror screens went dark.

After an hour of being stuck on those poles the Farsh-nuke came over to whisper in my ear. "You know the Queen lied. She does not have the right to alter the ruling and could not spare your dependants."

"Then what was that about?" I asked.

"Convincing you to say yes to the mission." said the Farsh-nuke obliquely. "By the way, do you know why vampires don't like the sun or mirrors? Well you're about to..."

His laughter followed him into the distance as dawn broke and the sun's rays were caught by the mirror screens and angled up at us, focusing the sun's rays on our bare, bleeding, aching flesh.

As we burned in the concentrated light and heat of the sun I felt the hunger overwhelm me but there was nowhere to go and nothing to eat, just the intoxicating, maddening scent of Stephanie's slowly roasting flesh.

Seven hours. Seven hours of torment as my blood boiled and my skin burned and my stomach raged at the lack of food. Seven fucking hours of hell.


The guards arrived to retrieve us after sentencing and mercifully the first thing they did was inject me with virgin blood. The hunger died in an instant and I passed out from exhaustion.

I woke as we were being carried of the van into an army barracks. We were carried through the dorms to a luxurious suite at the back, then we were dropped and our restraints removed. It was as the thing up my arse was removed that I became aware of just how great a toll the ordeal had had on me.

Lisa was giggling with giddy elation.

I and Stephanie were groaning and trying not to look at each other.

"There's a bath round back, you're very free to use it." came a refined yet muddied voice from the corner. 

I looked over,

A middle aged woman in full body armour was sharpening a stake.

I frowned, 

"We'll save the introductions for later I think, don't you?" said the mysterious woman. "You'll find combat fatigues laid out for you after."

Lisa rose to her feet and strode off.

Me and Stephanie hurried after.


As soon as I was clean I left to find the combat fatigues. Sure enough there was a set of briefs, socks, trousers, shoes, a tshirt and a jacket. I got dressed then left the room. 

The mysterious woman sat before a desk and a partially deconstructed harpoon rifle. "So how was the baking?"

"Not, pleasant," I said. "Who are you?"

"Hyacinth Emmanuel." said the woman. "They call me the Gardner."

"Right..." I said finding a seat and pulling it up to the desk so I could sit beside her.

"Very first mission, I was a grunt. It was my job to be the extra in the redshirt who gets offed so the officers could get away." said Hyacinth. "Only I knew my botany so I recognised when we were close to an underground cavern since there's a kind of plant that grows by wicking the water off the ceiling of a cavern with its roots. I fired at the ground and my commanding officer was about to issue me with a court-martial for wasting ammunition and giving away our position when thanks to my efforts and knowledge enemy fell into an underground cavern that opened up beneath them,"

I nodded,

She finished assembling the gun and holstered it then she looked me in the eyes. "And you would be Robert Marwood, the killer of his own kind?"

I swallowed. Oh, shit...

Just then Lisa coughed. "Umm there don't seem to be any clothes for us."

Hyacinth glanced in her direction and sniffed. then she pulled out two sets of bikinis and two collars from a desk drawer and threw them at Lisa.

Lisa coughed them then said warily. "Is that it?"

"Be thankful you're women, boys get less." said Hyacinth dismissively.

Lisa nodded and backed away. 

I stared at Hyacinth.

Hyacinth raised an eyebrow. "She's a bloody toy girl."

"She's a person." I said.

She stared at me then chuckled. "You still feel that way? Blimey, you really are an odd'un. Most vamps have to be taught to be respectful of their prey. You might have to be taught the opposite."

I stared at her, incredulous.

Suddenly she yelled "Sofa and shut up or I'll lock you both in coffins."

I looked around to see Stephanie and Lisa hurriedly walking towards the sofa.

I glared at her.

"Don't challenge my authority." She muttered. "I respect that they're your property and you can treat them how you like but they need to obey me or they may not when our lives are in danger."

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, that's right. You won't have been briefed, will you?" said Hyacinth. 

I stared blankly back at her.

Hyacinth removed a letter from her inside jacket pocket and handed it to me:

I believe I have found you a reaper man.
You are to use him to execute the current head of the Department of Work and Pensions so that we may install one of our own to see that the cows breed well and are fit and healthy for the harvest.

I stared at the paper in dismay and felt my body go numb.

"What's the matter?" asked Hyacinth.

"I can't kill again." I said.

"But you must." said Hyacinth. "If you refuse they'll kill you and your girls."

I was shaking. "No more. No more. No more blood."

Hyacinth's hand went to her holster. "Robert, are you alright?"

I looked her in the eyes and cried as the idea came. "Hide them."

"What?" said Hyacinth, incredulous.

"Hide the girls. Say I devoured Stephanie out of hunger then destroyed Lisa out of anger before giving up and refusing the job out of grief." I said.

Hyacinth stared at me. "Are you insane?"

"I should be dead." I pleaded. "I wasn't meant to be a vampire. I committed suicide because the human world was too driven by greed. The vampire world makes me sick and I will not kill again. No more."

Hyacinth studied me. 

I was losing it, I knew I was losing it.

"Write." she said. "Write it down. Write it all down. Figure your shit out. then we can talk."

"And Lisa and Stephanie?" I asked.

Hyacinth was silent for a long moment. "A Lisa is easy to hide and easy to explain but the other one? I... I can't promise anything but if she dies it will be quick."

"Shit." I said.

Hyacinth rose and planted a computer before me. "Write, figure your shit out and calm the fuck down. Your girls will still be alive by the time you're done."

So I wrote.

And I guess, I guess this is my note.

Well I suppose I got a second chance, a second chance to fuck it all up.

I'm sorry.


Robert rose from the desk and strode towards the sofa. He embraced Lisa and Stephanie then conformed with Hyacinth that he knew what he intended to do.

Robert was crucified. He was left in the baking sun with no rest or water or food for seven long days until Artemis arrived to put him out of his misery with a spear to the chest.

Shade 3

The End

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Monday, 18 April 2016

Talking about Letsplays as a medium

Cis White Men Do Actually Have Problems Too

Cis White Men Do Actually Have Problems Too

Alexander Gordon Jahans

If you just read the title this is going to sound privileged as fuck but bare with me, I am not about to attack anyone, nor am I defending anyone from some perceived onslaught by those damn SJWs. I am an autistic bisexual with fucked up genetics requiring testosterone injections every month, this not a self indulgent whinge for my own benefit.

I can't be a spokesmen for the Feminist movement, I like writing too many stories about hot young submissive women to be able to do that and frankly it's the height of arrogance and privilege to assume that what a movement that has achieved so many things needs is a man. That said I have grown up in privilege and witnessed it kind of as an outsider so I feel I can communicate values to the privileged in maybe a way that Feminism isn't too keen on doing because it has more important things to do. Or at least that's how I justify my fiction despite wanting to be a Feminist.

The Patriarchy sounds like a conspiracy theory if you've never heard of it and anything that sounds like a conspiracy theory is not only ignored but it is instinctually attacked because the last thing you want to do as a member of respectable society is be seen as a conspiracy theorist. Privilege is a fragile thing and while it may not be seen or nameable because it's like a fish seeing the water it swims in, men do feel its loss and can sense when something might cause you to lose it. This is why I will not listen to conspiracy theorists until the mainstream media points out the truth in it. 

The Patriarchy is the problem though and it is important that men and Feminists alike understand that. The Patriarchy may have a fancy name but all it is is the system regulatory powers that maintain a bias in favour of men and I do think that in a lot of cases it is subtle and hereditary. Take the classic example that even MRAs will complain about, the fact that women are more likely to get custody than men and are more likely to get less severe sentences than men. There may be some genuinely despicable people perverting the course of justice but I think in large part it is a subtle bias because women are perceived as softer, less capable of violence and better parents. 

There are some major issues in society that Feminism and similar social justice causes are fighting for. Certain states in America are almost wilfully thumbing their noses at progress for example and what trans people have to go through is horrible. From big things like the fact that it is still legal to kill a trans person then have as your defence "Well I don't know they were trans when I slept with them guvnor" to smaller things like the fact that trans people have to choose between treatment for depression or continuing hormone therapy and furthering their transition to the ridiculous bullshit over gendered bathrooms. 

We are however reaching a point in more general terms when people have the rights but they still face bullshit because big victories have been attained but the Patriarchy still persists and keeps persisting in subtle ways. Feminist Critique and Culture has done a lot of good educating the general populace and media is vastly improved but there are still problems that need to be addressed in the system. Obviously the publishing houses and marketers need to be targeted but we are now reaching a point where it's not just about cleanly cutting away the bullshit but also sanding away the remaining rough edges, which is what this article is about.

In Which The Article Begins In Earnest...

Privilege exists but it does not mean your life is awesome. I am not in any way saying these things are comparable to what those who are discriminated against endure but again that's not the point of this article. If we don't recognise and discuss the problems men face then there will always be some rough edges left in society as people who feel like shit see other people getting their problems addressed while their own problems are ignored or worse that they feel attacked for pointing out their problems.

The first thing to understand is that men are forged in violence and aggression. School is where young boys go to butt heads and determine their social order through fighting. Even if you were a pacifist nerd, like myself, who hid in the library, fights would find you and violence would become part of you. I have no idea if girls fought in the playground. I didn't move in those circles but I should imagine that long hair would have an impact and lead to a difference culturally since the head is the most vulnerable part of the body and long hair provides an easy thing to grab onto.

Anger is something I am terrified of in myself. Hell I can get just annoyed enough to raise my voice and I terrify people because I'm six foot two and have arms thicker than my head. This affects interactions and makes social situations that might be stressful terrifying because if there is one arsehole there who won't shut up then you don't know what you might do. Obviously you hope you've got things under control but you can't know, especially if alcohol is concerned. I once got so drunk I had a shower and didn't realise so if alcohol is not carefully consumed in moderation and people are about, it doesn't matter how certain I am of my self control, that's terrifying. And we see this causes so many of the problems Feminism is trying to fight against. How many angry men lash out and hurt people? How many do it while drunk? My heart goes out to the victims of such abuse and it is my curse because of my gender to live in fear of being that monster no matter how sure I am of my self control.

Suicide is a massive problem for men. Not that women aren't as suicidal, indeed I've seen figures that suggest women are more likely to attempt suicide but for whatever reason women are less comfortable with violence and so when they choose to go they pick less painful methods like taking pills or slitting their wrists in a bathtub, methods that are less likely to actually succeed. Men on the other hand will gladly die in painful ways. I know that if I went I'd go by stabbing myself in the chest with a dagger. It's been a rough year alrighr but I'm better now. The point is that this is a big issue with many factors, a lot of which I'm going to be talking about here.

Men are ridiculed for being sad, upset, in pain and crying. Do you know what crying is? Crying is a way of releasing stress, anger and anxiety that does not involve hitting people yet men are ridiculed for doing it and it is seen as shit just got real stakes if a man does cry. I was actually disgusted when I heard a man on a leftwing feminist movie review podcast I love rage and ridicule a male character for crying as it meant he was still a boy. That is not fucking acceptable. Crying is not weak, especially when there is such a stigma against it. Crying is choosing to vent negativity in a non-violent manner and it is to be goddamn praised. Anyone who tells a man who is suffering to man up needs to shut the fuck up because they are encouraging men to be emotionally stunted aggressive arseholes.

There is a toxic and vile attitude that men are expected to be sexually competitive. Men are ridiculed for being virgins. We assume men want to fuck so much that when a young boy is molested by an older woman we assume the boy would have been totally up for it. Men raping and sexually assaulting people is a massive problem, I think partially because of this regressive attitude towards men. Yet it is only actually a small minority of men who are the problem. Sod #NotAllMen, #NotMostMen is more accurate but if we think a ten year old was asking for it then of course we assume most men would gladly rape women. This fucked up attitude absolutely comes into play when men are raped by women. Sod "Were you dressing provocatively?", when men are raped the question is "Do you have a penis and was it hard?" because if so then in the minds of most people and technically in British law you couldn't have been raped. A hard on is not consent or all anyone would have to do is invite a man to sleep over then rape him when he has morning wood. Imagine how women would feel if there were such an obvious exploit to get what society would regard as proof of consent, Those ten percent of men who are monsters would have a fucking field day. Also I can't help but notice there isn't the same "guilty even if proven innocent" attitude when it comes to women who rape.

Finally men are people too. We have lives and loves and problems. There are arseholes we hate, injustices we rage against and work that annoys the piss out of us. We don't feel superior or granted some cheat code to society and when we witness the people who are supposedly fighting for men's rights being arseholes and perpetuating a system that also oppresses us it makes us sick so we look to the great movements for change and enlightenment like the feminist revolution. The feminist revolution will absolutely help us, and it is, so we want to help it and then we seek validation and we're the arseholes again because how dare men who are also dealing with the recession and climate change and income inequality possibly want validation that they aren't arseholes from a movement that isn't about them? So we feel like shit and some of us stew in that sense of cultural homelessness. Feminism is the way, feminism is the answer and feminism will help men so men should embrace it yet feminism is also not for men and male feminists who want validation that they are not part of the problem will be mocked or hated. Male feminists need somewhere to belong, somewhere that will fight for them and it is easy to say "Well you have the world." but that defines us as the very MRAs who are opposing feminism and the progress of equality that we also want.

For Feminism to succeed entirely, to win over all seven billion people on planet Earth and achieve its final fireworks and champagne happy ending it needs to embrace men as well. Feminism is going very well by winning over men who aren't straight, cis, white men. Little by little as each new demographic gets folded into the war cry of feminism it becomes stronger, more emboldened and better able to achieve its goals but for the final victory Feminism needs to not just be He For She but She For He as well. For the system of Patriarchy to die men have to be divorced from the system. Then and only then can Feminism properly succeed in its goals.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

On Saudi Arabia, War And Immigrants

Just Getting A Job

Just Getting A Job

Alexander Gordon Jahans

This blog post should not exist. I am annoyed that this blog post exists. I am annoyed that the beying mobs of 4chan will read this. I am annoyed that I felt compelled to write this and I am angry that the insecure whinings of the privileged have spread to me like some kind of memetic virus.  I wonder if this is a first, living meme struck dumb with irritation by the dankest of rightwing memes.

I am writing this blog because I am being maddened by a repeated insistence of bullshit. Getting a job is both ridiculously mind numbingly easy in practise and execution but stupidly annoyingly difficult in terms of actual success. That in itself is fine. If that's the system, I'm cool with that. but it comes with baggage and nonsense and idiots who misunderstand the reality of the situation.

The practise and process of getting a job is actually really easy. Write a CV, join a job search website, upload your cv, write a covering letter, apply for jobs, attend interviews, get a job. The process is fine. I have no problem with the process and the optimisation strategies that you can do and I am doing some of them now as I am volunteering at two places at the moment.

The chance of success at a job is incredibly difficult though. Now I will discuss optimisation strategies later so we can all have a good laugh at how much of a fuck up I am but here are a few big things that affect so many professions.

  1.  Automation - Automation is taking away jobs which in turn is taking away money from the economic system as more can go to tax avoiding higher ups so even if it doesn't directly affect your career yet it is limiting the amount of money can be spent on the business you're applying to and thus whether they can afford to hire you.
  2. The Recession and Austerity - No-one save the super rich has any money, so less money in the system and less companies being supported so less job opportunities. And austerity means the economy keeps shrinking people keep being skint and people become increasingly desperate to get into and stay in the labour force.
  3. Internships and Ridiculous Working Hours - People are working full time jobs for no pay to help maybe some day get paid and in so doing reducing the amount of jobs that are available. People on zero hours contracts often need more than one job to survive, reducing the number of jobs that are available. People who work ridiculously long hours also reduce the amount of jobs that are available.
  4. Low Minimum Wages - Depending on where you live a Low Minimum Wage can be so out of step with the actual cost of living that you have to work more than one job to survive and thus the amount of jobs that are available is reduced
But employment is up you say quoting government statistics that are ridiculously bullshit. Like that time they solved child poverty by changing the definition.  I don't really care if you disagree with me for the same reason I don't care that Muslims exist. When the truth is so ridiculously apparent, what do I care if you disagree.

Now lets talk optimisation factors. These are things like qualifications, references, experience. you can target your CV and write a personalised covered letter, research the company you're applying to and tailor everything to be perfect. Some of this I just can't be fucked to do. Like getting a job is the equivalent of buying scratchcards until you hit the jackpot, if that's what I gotta do I'll do it but getting that invested in every job application just isn't worth it when 90 percent of the time you'll be lucky if you get an interviews. So fuck lets scratch some cards until I strike lucky.

Except I have two big limiting factors (4 if you include my honest and the stigma of autism). I did a college course and university course in the media and I live in goddamn Woking.

Now the media course aspect is an obvious groan and if I could reroll my character to be better optimised I would but I can't. So Woking is the real kicker. Because I have no money and I can't apply for jobs outside of Woking as I have no transport.

My parents seem to think that they can just will something to be. That if I just try hard I can totally find a media job I could reasonably do within walking distance of Woking. I would have a better chance of bedding Emma Watson.

So then we come to the baggage and the reason this blog exists. Rich folk who support poor folk like to give poor folk pointless hurdles to jump through and get annoyed because when they're going off on £5000 round the world trips and poor folk are lucky if they get one meal a day, they worry that the poor aren't putting in quite as much effort as they think they should.

Let me clear effort has fuck diddly goddamn squat to do with getting a job. there is serious research done into this. No one cares if you got most of a degree or if you spend 30 hours researching a company before you apply to them. They care that you got the piece of paper saying you're qualified and can pass through the interview like you belong there. It is possible to cost/benefit analyse this thing and that's what I do but because I apply for jobs in the same room play games and masturbate in people think I'm slacking off.

What my parents want I think is for me to just enter a room at nine am, spend 10 hours or more every day just applying for jobs in that room before walking home again and fuck it if I knew it would set my parents mind at ease and mean I might actually have some variety in my diet every once in a while I'd do it. Just go into a room and scratch cards for ten straight hours in the hopes of hitting a jackpot.

The trouble is that even expressing this attitude and daring to bring reason into something that the rich see so dogmatically can get you in trouble. You're lazy, you're not putting the effort in or worse you're mentally ill and need to see a counsellor because otherwise you'd already have a job. Who the fuck do I go to? There's nothing wrong with me and I don't need an employment advisor because I know all this bullshit. I know but knowing and trying doesn't help you. It's just a numbers game. And it's a numbers game that is getting worse all the time as automation takes more jobs and Tory austerity effects the economic recovery further and reduces the amount of money in the system.

I'm fucked. My generation is fucked. And I know I'm saying this people who beg me to commit suicide so regularly but god I'd love to. Life is nice but to not have the bullshit, to not be a burden it would be so nice.

I live not because life is nice but because there are monsters that need to be bought and because I am a burnable asset. People who like their lives and livelihoods can be compromised. I can't. I won't be. And in the years to come the people of the world may need leftwingers who are willing to sacrifice everything.

There is hope and there are good things but on so many nights the only way I can survive is by escaping into fantasy.

What I want, aside from all the big sweeping changes to society and the small petty materialistic stuff is family. Someone I can trust and turn to, who will help me and support and guide me. Someone who will accept that I am different and work with those differences to give me the best chance o make a difference.

What I have instead is monetary support delivered with meaningless emotive words both good and bad and a relentless badgering that my tiny effect on my parents income is unfair to them as though I created the system that made this necessary.

I know that a lot of people may react very negatively to the views expressed in this and I really could not give less of a fuck. This is the situation as it is for me today.