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Thursday, 4 February 2016

The Valkyrie A Distraction Fic NSFW

The Valkyrie

A Distraction Fic

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans


The myth of the Valkyrie is of the norse woman who flies down and carries fallen warriors to Valhalla. I don’t know which came first the myth or the institution and I’m not sure anybody knows, in fact even sure that the multiverse works like that. Maybe the chicken and the egg both came first but in different universes, I’m not a physisicist and I’m not even sure a physicist would understand this. One thing I do know though is Valkyries are real and they saved my life. they gave me hope again.

There is a war going on. a great big one that any moment, if lost, could spell the end of everything. All of reality gone in a moment. The multiverse carries on blissfully ignorant and we all hiss and spit at Apple for their crummy updates or send angry tweets to the creators of our favourite things when we dislike something about what they do. As if any of this stupid petty bullshit matters. Trillions of brave people die every single millisecond to keep us safe.

They aren’t all saints, don’t misunderstand me.

The Logicios are jerks and that is one hell of a massive understatement. They were founded by a Farsh-nuke, think James Bond crossed with Doctor Who and a great old one from the works of HP Lovecraft. The Logicios are upper class british gentlemen or ladies who steal technology from opther universes and upgrade it with what they know. They are scavengers, thieves and scoundrels who recieve hundreds of years worth of training, have technology that can rewrite reality and they run their empire on the slavery of women for ideological reasons that I cannot be faggted to even try and understand, let alone explain. They’ve been fighting the war the longest and still by far outnumber the other parties so they’re tolerated, though that leads to conpiracy theories that maybe they’re prolonging the war to avoid making the changes that world prevent all other parties from trying to neutralize the threat they pose. There is actually a terrorist sect called the Sylph Liberation Front that is trying to undermine the Logicios and secure freedom and better conditions for the women who are enslaved by them but it’s sort of like Isis taking on America, a lot of talk and not a lot of progress just scare tactics to try and make the Logicios stop being such jerks.

The United Civilisations of the Multiverse probably best represent morality and decency but they’re only doing so well because their champion, Lucy Danse, the so-called ‘Paragon Of Virtue’ ruthlessly mass produces copies of herself to lead armies and gifts them to ambassadorst to secure trade deals. Oh and they are expanding their forces fast enough to fight the war because they’re letting a monster called the Bam-Kursh, thinkthe Master/Missy meets the Joker and Lord Vetinari, make a bid for future empress by securing new universes into the United Civilisations, something that is only possible because said monster legally sells copies of people as toys.

Then there are the Architects of Chaos, a loose large collective of empowered individuals who largely patrol the multiverse as journeying heroes but also do theirb bit to fight in the war when they can. Think the Avengers or the Justice League. they don’t really have a collective personaliy, powerset or motive, they just want to help and are in a position to do so.

Finally there are the Elder Gods like the Farsh-nukes and the Bam-Kurshes entities who were once insane and unknowably powerful but over years of dabbling in the universes of mortals becamer mortal enough to be tried and killed so they now habitually reincarnate in host bodies and, after a certain stint of evil post-identity emergence, find themselves drawn to protecting the multiverse and thus doing their bit to help in the war effort.

Things are bleak. Things are fucked up. Our heroes are not the chiseled chivalric messiahs of popular fiction. In many ways a lot of them are more monstrous than the very things they are defending us against. The Septagonoids, as they are known, are beings of pure sentient logic inside mental war machines and they are just extremely pedantic. According to them the multiverse shouldn’t exist because the nothingness it sits within is founded in faulty logic and it seems they’re technically right. It’s just that it doesn’t matter if all reality is built on a flawed premise when so many lives are at stake but they’re beings of logicthey can’t not want to fix faulty logic.Sort of tragic really, the great enemy are right but too mentally ill to see the arguments against it.

Never the less these people are fighting and dying on a scale I can’t even imagine for the good of all of us, whether we know it or not. And the Valkyries save the fallen when they can and restore them to health. Apparently this act of charity is a pragmatic one. you can’t let experienced soldiers go to waste they say. So the Valkyries save them and they heal them, give them a home, give them a ship, give them a job and give them a companion. However the survivors need to get by and recover from the psychological trauma, the Valkyries will see that they have everything they need to begin healing.

It is at this point that I should make clear that I am not a soldier. I’ve never been up against the Septagonoids thank god, not yet at least. I am not a Logicio or an Arcitect of Chaos or a soldier in the United Civilisations of the Multiverse Space Service, nor am I an Elder gor or the host to an Elder God. I’m not anyone important. My story isn’t unique it’s not especially exciting.

Things were bad in my life, real bad. I’m not going to go into it because it honestly doesn’t matter now but suffice to say I hd nothing and noone. I was a broken man, my health was shitty and my country was shitty and the world was shitty and I felt so very shitty. That twinge of irritation you feel at the boringness of repeating the world shitty, I felt that all the time.

Men commit suicide all the time and feminists blame us for it. I mean yes, suicide is literally taking your own life, unless you’re in America and very right wing, then I hear suicide by cop is popular but still... I get that suicide is literally our fault but they turn it into another fucking reason to hate the patriarchy. You can practically hear them saying “If only you didn’t oppress women so much you wouldn’t be killing yourselves.” I am in touch with my emotions, I am willing and able to express myself if I feel like crap but it just gets so fucking boring. Like yes my life is shitty and I want to die I get it can we please move on? Except I don’t move on because when your life is crap no amount of positive thinking will change the fact that you feel shitty a lot.

I fought against my shittyness for so long, I fought against my self loathing and depression and focused on fun. the trouble is that time takes its toll sooner or later you get tired and you get bored and nothing is fun anymore and you just want out. Apparently there are pills for that and help for that but oh yay the conservative party is cutting funding to the NHS and mental health services and as a man there are two entire cultures built on making you feel like shit just for existing. On the Left we have Feminism and the SJW movement that just expects men to excude themselves from any attacks targetted at all men if they don’t fit into these categories. And on the Right we have the Men’s Rights’s Activists and the general bigoted male crowd specifically attacing you personally if you don’t behave enough like them. Welcome to the age of “cuck” as a swear word to describe any male who doesn’t fit the scum’s exact definition of manliness and masculinty.

So one day I gave up. I just gave up. I had had enough. No more. It was time to die. So I walked into town and I found a building I’d scoped out earlier. If you’ve been depressed or suicidal for a while you’ll find yourself doing this almost subconsciously. A lot of people get these kinds of thoughts. They’re the crazy moments your brain is warning you to be careful of danger but it feels like a sudden urge to do something ridiculously stupid and dangerous. Difference is that where a sane person might see a low wall on a tall car park and think “I could just vault over that to my death” then scold themselves and move on, a depressed person will stroke their chin and go “Yeah, I’ll have to remember that.”

So I was standing on on the top floor of this car park and I was about to do it. Ofcourse there’sv a moment of hesitation and trepidation the animal intincts wanting to recoil from danger. I decided to count to ten. I knew I should. I knew all the reasons I should live so I counted and paced then I got to ten and I stared at the wall and suddenly that animal revulsion to danger had become excitement. Freedom. Freedom from this wretched broken body, freedom from this life. Yes, yes, yes, dear god yes. I walked calmly to the edge and placed one hand on the wall, I was just about tov swing my lefoot onto thedge when I froze.

I literally could not move a muscle. My brain was working, my nerves were responding, my heart was pumping and I was still breathing but I could n’t even turn my head. 10 seconds passed and then I heard her voice.”You’re dead. You died. You threw yourself off that ledge and your life ended. Splat! I am here to offer you a second chance.”

‘How?’ I wondered.

“I am a Valkyrie.” she said “You can call me Emma. I can take you aay from here. I can give you a new life, a new purpose, a new hope. I can fix up your body and make you loved.”

‘Is this heaven?’ I wondered.

“No.” she said. “This is a new beginning. This is mercy. This is the way of the Valkyrie. We can see into your soul and ensure that everything is to your liking. You are not alone anymore, you do not have to carry the burden of survival by yourself. Speak now and if you consent I will take you to your new destiny.”

My body went limp and I had to stop myself from falling. “Yes!” I cried “Yes, I consent to whatever it is you wish of me.”

I had been given another chance, I didn’t care if I had actually finally snapped, if the voice was just a delusion, it was better than my life and better than death, it was a reason stay alive. Then I saw her.

The media is very shitty at giving women good roles so this was a surprise. She looking older than me by quite some way and was probably even older but she was utterly beautiful there was an otherworldly glow about her, as if her very soul was a beacon of hope. As I approached her the light began to suffuse me, she placed her left hand on my right shoulder and looked into my eyes. She said “You are saved.” And I felt it.

All the negativity, the self loathing, despair, annoyance, irriation and bitterness was purged from me and I was suffuced with warmth, love, happiness and peace. The technical explanation I learned later was that Valkyrie are trained in the arts of soul magic (actually a kind of complex science to do with hacking into how the logic of the multiverse catalogues different thinking entities) , as such hat Emma was doing was temporarily overwriting the parts of my soul that made me feel suicidal with the positivity that made her Valkyrie material.

She stroked the back of my head with her right hand and smiled “You will obey me, won’t you? There will be no issues if you choose not to but things will be simpler if you choose to obey.”

I nodded. I would have followed this woman into hell for the peace she had brought me.

“Good.” she said warmly then she kissed me ion the forehead and commanded “Sleep.”

My eyes closed immediately and fell into a warm darkness.

*

When I woke I was naked under white sheets in a warm room that made me feel safe and comfortable. It was as though they had pulled all my happy memories from my head and built a room from pockets of nostalgia and serenity to make me feel at ease.

I sat up and looked down at myself. Abs and a six pack that was new. In fact everthuing seemed to be. I scanned the room and found a place where my brain said a mirror should be if this were built to make me feet at ease and there it was. I examined myself in the mirror and was blown away. I was still me, I still looked and felt and sounded like me but I was fit, and cut like a steak. There were some other improvements that I was ver pleased about, if slightly disconcerted about what the changes implied.

I found where my clothes were kept and there waere two options. My old clothes resized to fit my new body or a suit that had been tailored to perfection. I put it on and felt fantastic, it was like a second skin. I approached the door and opened it.

Outside was like a hospital waiting room, bile green and depressing. Emma was there waiting for me, reading World War Z by Max Brooks. I coughed. She grinned when she saw me and put a book mark in the page she was on then stowed the book in her bag. “Yes, they really have worked a trea on you. Come on, I’ll show you to your new owner.”

I stared at her. “Owner?”

Emma giggled and put an arm round my shoulders as she started leading my down a corridor. “Oh you’ll love her,. She’s a veteran of darkness like you and she will know just how to save you from yourself, just trust her okay.”

I glared at her now and said more harshly. “What do you mean she’ll be my owner?”

Emma sighed and squeezed me then explained “I said I would give you a new life and you have one but I didn’t do this for you. I did this for her. her name is Jessica and she’s a Gfaxxy Quluwmcy. She fought for the United Civilisations of the Multiverse against the Septagonoids. She was the lone survivor of an attack run. She needs a companion, she needs something to protect and carefor, reason not to give up like you did.”

I was walking with Emma but this all sounded like gibberish “You realize I understand none of that, right?”

Emma laughed warm and said “I know, I’m sorry, this is all moving a bit fast for you isn’t it but things will be better once you’re with her. I know you won’t understand a word of this but she will. You are going to become a sylph, you will cease to be human and become a pet animal. She’ll look after you and you’ll love it, I promise.”

I know my actions won’t seem logical unless you’ve been there and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone but I had reached my lowest point and this Valkyrie had brought me back from the brink. Of course I trusted her, l of course I had faith in her, if she had wanted to grind me up and make homeopathic remedies out of me I probably would have consented.

Then I saw Jessica. I wanted to look behind me and see he kitten she was looking at with such ecitement at and glee. then I realized and swallowed. She was older than me but apparently not by much. She had strawberry blonde hair tied back in a pony tail and wore a leatherjacket, jeans and doc martins.

“Hi.” she said “I’m Jessica, pleased to meet you. Are you good to go?”

I shrugged “Actually I haven’t really had much explained to me.”

Jessica grinned and pulled me close “Well I’m sorry to hear that but don’t worry I am not turning you until I know you understand everything, okay?”

I nodded and as I looked at her face I found myself thinking that there were worse places to be than at thi woman’s side. “Thanks.”

“Listem, I’ve had sylphs before, I think I’ve learned somer tricks that might help you feel better, would you be willing to let me try?” asked Jessica.

I shrugged “Sure.”

Then Jessica started massaging me and I found myself moaning. “Oh... Yes...”

Jessica laughed.

I let waves of euphoria and bliss roll over me.

I overheard Emma ask Jessica “How do you feel?”

“Good...” said Jessica earnestly “Real good. Thank you.”

Emma beamed “Always a pleasure to help a Gfaxxy, you know it was one of you that founded us?”

“No kidding.” said Jessica “Thought I liked the decor.”

Emma smirked then said “300 years is a long time spend on the frontlines. You’re a hero.”

Jessica shook her head “I was one snowflake in a blizzard and I watched a lot of good people die.”

“I know...” said Emma and after a moment she said “I am thankful though. you survived and you take that knowledge with you.”

Jessica nodded “I know. That’s why you saved me right? Preserve the intel? Preserve the experience? Well, what if I want to forget? What if I want to move on and settle down?”

“Then you can.” said Emma compassionately. “You don’t ever have to fight again. Just live Jessica. Live a good life. Live it for all those who can’t.”

Jessica swallowed.

I could see her tearing up, I hugged her.

She smiled and squeezed me tight then said “How about we find a nice restaurant where we can eat some good food, drink some expensive intoxicants and get to know each other?”

I grinned and said “I hope you have money.”

She laughed. “Of course. Don’t worry, you never need to worry about money ever again.”

She said it so casually but so earnestly that i actually believed her.

Then Jessica stood back and said “Time to say goodbye to the angel.”

As I looked at Emma I saw that Jessica was right. I approched her and said “Thank you. I can never repay you properly. You gave me exactly what you promised and it is more than I have ever deserved.”

Emma hugged me and said “Be happy, yeah?”

“Yeah.” I said “Yeah, I think I will be now. Keep being awesome.”

Emma nodded then waved as Jessica took my hand and led me away.

*

The Restaurant At The End Of The Multiverse had a hopefully ironic name as it overlooked the edge of the vast distance the actual multiverse covered in the infinite eternity of the great green nothingness that so offended the Septagonoids with its impossibility in logical reality. It also displayed drone footage of various battles going on in the frontlines of the great war.

It was a strange restaurant, great sharks swam in pools or sat at tables with other humanoids thanks to cybernetic limbs. Spiders the size of cars, talking anthropomorphic cats, great prehistoric lizards, squid people and birds were among the diners. Robots jacked into hacking terminals and chattered in bursts of data as illicit code cracked through the digital right’s management software, disabled safeguards, installed porn and pirated menmories. Great columns of tentacles with more eyes than I could count at a glance would squeal exuberantly as live naked young looking people were presented before them in various dishes.

Jessica explained all that I have explained to you about the multiverse as I ate a roast chacken and a rack of ribs with salad and chips and drank a pint of Mountain Dew. She had a pasta with a name I couldn’t pronounce that was apparently made from the meat of a virgin slaughtered on a full moon. Apparently this was okay because the virgins were actually submissive masochists who could heal. I decided not to criticise her choice of meal since I had long ago decided that meat farming was murder but liked bacon too much to quit.

As we got to desert Jessica reached the point where she would explain just where the heck I fitted into all this madness. If you’re curious I had a lemon meringue sundae made with sorbet instead of icecream and Jessica had a desert with a name in an alien language I couldn’t identify, let alone understand. It seemed to consists of about 30 different foot tall naked people playing in a sweet sauce that Jessica would casually eat alive with a spoon. It did rather colour the conversation in a strange light.

“So there was this great dying race...” Began Jessica as she delved her spoon into the sauce, appled some pressue and came up with a pair of feet that she then spooned into her mouth. “They were running from something. They were scared. They needed to survive and so they genetically engineered a biological machine called an Albino Sylph Squirrel whose combined exctretions would allow them to travel along the third way.”

“What’s the third way?” I asked. spooning a small bit of meringue into my mouth/

“Well the first way is domination, rape, enslaving and ruthless rule by terror and the second way is us: Diplomatic, communicative, resourceful, creative and capable dominating and being dominated. Then there’s third way...” Jessica had set down her spoon to gesticulate as she explained but as she looked back she found a female had taken up a sitting position on the spoon. Jessica laughed and took a photo on a fancy kind of smart phone then held the spoon up to me, pointing “Like this little girl. Specially engineered by six different Farsh-nukes and Bam-Kurshes, these breed rapidly, like pain, cheerily go to their deaths and come in different flavors.” Jessica swallowed the girl whole and chewed carefull before licking her lips and announcing with satisfaction “Strawberries and cream.”

I stared at her, my own spoon dropping into the remains of my sundae.

Jessica laughed “It’s okay, this is the wthird way, survival through exploitability. It’s like the biological equivalent of those people who make money off the internet by being hated. Yes, nasty stuff is happenning to the individuals but the upshot is positive.”

I grimaced as a boy climbed onto her spoom.

“That’s the spirit.” said Jessica with a smile.

“What happened to this race?” I asked.

Jessica chewed on the boy throughtfully then declared “Chocolate. love a bit of chocolate.”

I glared at her.

Jessica shrugged “They died out. When their great ark ship docked the traders discarded the apparently transformed race and took the Sylph Squirrely and started experimenting on different races. Humanity turns out to be the most popular variation of the Sylph super species.”

“Oh...” I said beginning to understand.

Jessica grinned “Don’t worry, I’m not going to eat you.”

I smirked.

“Though we can talk about getting you infected by a wereshark if that’s ever something you’d want to try.” said Jessica. “I mean the point of this is that you are as happy as possible in your submission to me so I can feel all the better for knowing you. If you ever want to explore masochism I’m more than willing to help you.”

I smiled awkwardly but said “Thanks for the offer, however I think I’m done feeling bad.”

Jessica looked me in the eyes, seemingly looking into my very soul then she nodded “You and me both, kid.”

She placed a hand on my shoulder and said seriously “You’re not alone anymore. This isn’t one way street, by taking you on as my pet I am agreeing to the responsibility of seeing that you are okay. That’s not a contract, not for you anyway. If you ever want to leave, whether it’s for a week or a lifetime I’ll unerstand but I am not going to stop caring about you and I’m an Elder God, I can get shit done.”

And that’s when I cried. And I am so fucking ugly when I cry because oh god the snot just goes everywhere.

Jessica understood though. She waited years until I was comfortable enough to tell her the full story, of all the reasons I cried at that restaurant but I think Jessica knew, I’d think she’d been told some of it by Ema and could read the rest on my face and soul.

I was safe with her, truly safe. Which is really fucked up conssidering what we were talking about that she was literally eating people alive as we talked but that’s how bad things had been. Jessica made all the shouting and the screaming, the perpetual gale of self hatred, disappear. She absolved me of it.

*

She didn’t turn me that night. Something about honour and consent and it not being right but it felt pretty darn right. From that moment I was hers, one way or another. She took me on a whirlwind tour of the sights of the multiverse. I lived more in that one month than than I had done in the twenty five years previously

Then she asked me what my dream job was and helped me start to make it happen, not because I’d need the money but because according to herb it was important that I reached the full possibilities of what I was capable of to feel well again.

She waited five years, by that point I had gone through university again and spent two years doing my dream job. She stood by my side the entire time, offering friendship, support, and guidance and only when I was ready to begin life again did she pop the question.

*

It was Valentine’s day. We were at The Restaurant At The End Of The Multiverse again. Apparently the dish of the day was a newly wedded masochistic submissive couple who could heal that you could order any way you liked, even specifying the genders and sexualities. I just ordered a pepperoni pizza. Jessica was clearly interested in the dish of the day but resolved instead to have a chicken salad with chips.

“So what’s this about?” I asked as I dug into my pizza.

Jessica smirked “You know you’ve come a long way in such a short time. I guess I wanted to reward you.”

I stared at her, pizza held before my mouth. “You paid for everything, you supported me the entire way, I wouldn’t be here if not for you and I’m not just talking about your ship.”

Jessica smiled and said “Still I’m proud of you. You’ve shown that you could climb out of that hole and considering how we met that’s quite the feat.”

I blushed and ate my pizza. “That’s very nice of you to say.

The subject changed and we finished the main course.

The waitress arrived to ask for desert. I ordered a tiramisu. Jessica ordered something alien.

The waitress came back with a great pot on a trolley and my tiramisu.

The pot was lifted off the trolley and and the waitress left. Jessica lifted the pot lid off and Emma’s head poked out of it. “Sorry, I think I’m a little underdone, you might want to send me back.”

I stared at her.

Emma laughed and lept out of the pot dressed iin her Valkyrie uniform. She handed Jessica a profiterole mountain then she turned to me and said “I see you’ve done good for yourself, my lad?”

I nodded then asked “What are you doing here?”

“Seeing my job through to its conclusion.” said Emma and she presented a small plush velevet box to me and a selection of papers to Jessica.

I looked apprehensively at the box then opened it. Inside I found a small white pill. I looked up at Jessica.

Jessica beamed and took my hand in hers. “You have been a terrific friend, you have shown me light and love where I saw dark and now I know you don’t need me to be happy I feel I can justify asking the most selfish thing I ever could. Will you be my pet sylph?”

I stared at her and smiled. “Jessica, I’ve been yours for the last five years and I don’t plan on stopping.”

I plopped the pill into my mouth and swallowed.

“Keep your eyes fixed on me.” said Jessica. “As the pill starts rewriting the logic that governs your body you will imprint on me.”

I grinned toothily and stared at Jessica as it worked. Bits of me were stetching out and thinning, parts of my mind were being fluffed up and cleaned, my focus and look at the world shifted. I felt myself imprint on Jessic, felt her become the only thing tha truly mattered to me.

Jessica smiled took my head in her hands “Yes... Yes, it’s done. You are now a sylph and mine to command. Go on, eat your desert.”

I nodded. My body was still being changed, was a delightfully strange experience.

As I ate I was dimly aware of contracts being signed.

Emma smiled and shook my hand by way of goodbye but promised to check up in a few years.

The waitress arrived with two expensive looking bottles, “Congratulations from the manager, Maam, on your new sylph. She wants you to have these on the house, a bottle of the most expensive champagne in the multiverse that is actually champagne and a bottle of her finestv sylphs blood to drink at your leisure.”

Jessica smiled “Thank you and can we have the bill, please?”

The waitress checked her tablet computet. “According to this someone called Emma has paid it for you with a note saying to make full use of your new acquisition.”

“Oh...” said Jessica grinning. “That will be all then thank you.”

I finished the tiramisu and found myself staring at Jessica..

She smiled and idly stroked me as she ate her profiterole mountain then she removed a jewelery case from her jacket pocket. “There is just one last thing remains to be done.” She opened the jewellery case, inside was a collar with my name on it.

I smirked “So this is legit then?”

“This is indeed legit/” said Jessica and she smirked secured the collar round my neck. “You know if you ever meet someone you’re going to have to think of a way to explain to them why you wear this collar?”

I shrugged and laughed. Because that would never happen right?


The End