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Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Apotheosis

Apotheosis

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

We begin with a dreadful unavoidable admission:

I am become darkness.
I am the man in black.
I am he that shouts in the night.
I am feared.
I am loathed.
I am the monster.

This is an unavoidable fact of the effect I am having on this house and it is not good. My instinct is the draw away, to hide away, to run away. Except this is my family at christmass...

I cannot run away from this demon because the demon is me and I cannot cage this demon because the demon is not some anger, is not some dangerous emotion. It is ignorance. You cannot fight ignorance with force and you cannot run from ignorance. Not when it's your own

I want to make excuses, I want to make justifications but I cannot change a fact by explaining why it happened.

This past year has felt like a test, a test of my morality, of my endurance, of my anger, of my will to survive. I have passed the tests by trusting in myself, by trusting in my morality, in my imagination, in my hope and dreams. Now I face the final and most cutting test, the test of the self the ability to express that self. 

I am the bad guy in this, I am the dragon to be defeated but I'm not the test itself. Nor am I consequences if I fail. I am at risk of becoming my father in my mother's eyes and she is not about to let a new dick bag get up off the steps when she's barely just defeated the last one. In a way her purpose is entirely noble but something I have learned is that she is selfish, amoral and hypocritical. She doesn't fight, not how dad does. She is a very skillful liar and she exploits information. She literally cannot comprehend my desire not to lie. She crossed a line recently, a line that has made her a credible threat now. A minor kerfuffle that seemed to resolve peacefully only for her to decide to evict me. She is now trying to break me. To destroy the threat that I hypothetically represent to her.

I don't work in darkness, I don't lie but to defeat the threat my mother poses to me I will have to embrace and wield the skills of deception. This isn't about getting to her or hurting her or anything like that. Do not misunderstand me. It is about understanding and countering her ability to misread a situation. I have tried being truthful to her. A lot. For a woman who responds to outrage at a lie with "I shouldn't have told you." I must seem remarkably naive. She lies to me, she plays mind games and manipulates, she expects me to be manipulating her all the time and is perpetually stunned when I am not.

I have avoided using my words as a weapon avoided, using social skills as a weapon, partly because I have a natural handicap in that area but mostly because my hero is the seventh Doctor and so I know all too well the danger of that rabbit hole. I've made mention before about how I like to be ignorant of fighting in case, God Forbid, I ever was made truly angry but there is a limit on how much damage one man can do, especially if driven by a barbarian rage. If you master the art of manipulation and lying though then you really better hope you never go bad. I mean The seventh Doctor is a character angsting about the morality of playing chess master for the greater good but Palpatine in the Prequels shows just how bad a bad manipulator can go.

Do you want to know the really ironic thing though? A point my mum has bought up for why I need to conquer this demon is that I may have a moral code and experience preventing me from ever physically hurting anyone but she and my family don't that, hence why they're afraid of me when I'm being all moody and shouty. If I do this, if I manage to master body language and social skills, then they'll have even less clue about my intentions. In order to stop feeling afraid of me when I'm angry they want me to master the art of seeming perfectly calm and amenable even if I might be seething inside so that they won't think anything is wrong.

This to me feels like a ridiculously stupid and dangerous thing to do. That said, I need to do it. I can no longer remain ignorant. I do not have the luxury of trust. I have to believe in myself and my moral certitude. I have to know that I am a good guy even I am utilising skills that could be misused. I have to be able to live my life in such a way that those close to me aren't afraid, even if it means becoming someone who could be so much more terrifying and this is the only time I can. I have already become the monster in the eyes of my family, I can't fall much further and still call myself Alex Jahans. Time to embrace and use darkness, lies and manipulation.

If I am to step into the shadows though then I make this promise in the light:

I may disguise the truth to spare feelings but I will never leave another so ill informed as to be unable to act.
I may temper my manner to put others at ease but I will indicate with increasing clarity when things are getting too much for me.
I will not deceive or manipulate for personal gain.
I will use only as much deception as necessary to ensure survival and the continuing of business, never because it is easy or convenient.
If I ever have to use my skills to remove a threat then they will get three warnings before I act.

I will update this code and I will always ensure that this code is kept in the light. I may have to develop and use these skills to keep my family safe from the fear of me but I will not let these skills corrupt me.