America, get rid of the guns
Alexander Gordon Jahans
Once upon a time I posted a more nuanced approach to gun control. I suggested that maybe we should take the NRA at their word and give people an optional people's militia where they could become registered good guys with guns after training and psyche tests. This was seen as too severe, too strict, an optional training and registration society for people to do exactly as the NRA say guns are for? No, too strict. Too harsh.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this past year I've been made aware of people being shot by toddlers and dogs (so it's really not just a people problem), 27 people shot and killed on christmass day and enough regular mass shootings that it has gotten boring. I tried to be nuanced before and that didn't work, so let's try this...
Your constitution is a mess, your political system is corrupt, broken and undemocratic and your "justice" system needs radical overhaul. You are a broken society of death and suffering and I pity you. You are the country where superheroes make sense. We have the upperclass spy, the enthusiastic detective and the friendly traveller, you have the hard working immigrant, the rich git who cares about his community and the naive young hero. You are lost.
There is not going to be a solution to your problems in my lifetime is there, even if I let myself live that long. This is why I feel so angry, so sad and so bitter. You are a nation trapped in agony. No wonder you need patriotism, it's the only way you can keep going.
I want to help you. I wish I could. The gits scream about the sanctity of the constitution asking if we, the sane, would come with guns to get theirs? Like that's some insane and inexcusable suggestion. It's what you would do. Because oh yeah, swatting. Idiots ringing up the police and screaming that someone has a gun so SWAT will burst in on letsplayers they don't like. You use your country's rapid response unit as a prank and buy your kids bullet proof blankets for school because shootings are like the cold now, or no, like measles. We have the answer but you fuckers are too stupid to use it.
So lets swat you. Lets have armed police come door to door and search your house like you're a black drug dealer. Lets have a war on fire arms. Lets have the NRA shut down and arrested as a terrorist organisation. After all guns killed more in America than terrorists have killed Americans. Your dogs and toddlers are killing you and you're telling me you just have a people problem?
Perhaps you're right? Maybe we should go further? Welcome you into the loving bosom of the United Kingdom again shall we? Teach you how to make proper tea and pay tax properly? Maybe we'll be able to let Scotland go, now we have our empire back? There'll be another revolution of course but what a fantastic opportunity to draw up a new constitution that fixes the corruption of your system? Of course there might be another civil war and ironically I think secession from the union is generally to be lauded, if so often racially motivated because you are a fucking continent.
There are so many of you that even with proportional representation and multiple parties across the political spectrum the average vote would mean jack squat to who run the country. Hell, even we've fucked that up with first past the post and seemingly all of Scotland electing the SNP, only for them to be damn powerless in parliament and slaves to the tories.
This is why the Jedi are so important, this is why Batman is so important. American Pop Culture daring to say that there is another way to be cool and kick arse that isn't fucking guns. I weep for you. Or I would, but your foreign policy isn't exactly progressive...
I think I'm starting to understand why Kubrick felt the need to make Full Metal Jacket such a perfect display of the horror of war and gun fetishism and Spielberg's defence of Jaws as a PG, nobody can grow up to be a shark but anybody can pick up a gun and ruin lives.