The Dangerous Comfort of Apathy
Alexander Gordon Jahans
Why do I sit in squalor?
Why do I eat junk when I'm not even hungry?
Why do I retreat from skype and facebook messages?
Why have I let the dream of D&D die?
Why have I stopped fighting?
Why have I stopped caring?
Because a sword of damacles has been hanging over my head for such a long time. Call it fate, or karma or a self fulfilling sense of paranoia or even what I think it actually is but every time I look close to hope or salvation it is pulled away at the last minute. No hope is ever as it appears.
I can't even walk now because it seems my wretchedness has made having shoes that fit me be deemed a luxury.
I am furious right now, absolutely furious but what can my anger do but damn me further? I have been betrayed by the one person I needed to never ever betray me and the one person I have known always would and now I am the monster. I am the shouting man. All because I dared to suggest that a trip to buy some shoes could be rescheduled and then could not communicate in a manner that suited.
I am fucked. Trapped in a mad house. And just like school part of the trap, part of the prison is my own mind. Except where in school I was trapped by my loyalty, morality and duty, here I am trapped by a fatalistic sense of pointlessness. I have an oasis here, an oasis of calm and happiness and passion. Do I lose that in the struggle to push back against these ever enclosing barriers?
I feel I should fight but with what? How? Violence is not an option. Benefits are not an option, Moving out into social housing means benefits and so is not an option. So do I go out and get a job? Ha! Reality deems that a ridiculously naive option. So then shall I talk? It quite literally is the only option I have left. Except me talking and being crap at it is why I now cannot even have the shoes to leave this mad house. I cannot talk to my parents, I cannot get through to them and more and more I doubt myself, wonder how it is that such plain words are not understood? It'd be easier to believe I was mad.
No I am powerless so I remain before my computer, writing my weird fiction, writing to you, watching letsplays, listening to podcasts and making youtube videos. Perhaps I really am mad, they say being on your own too much is bad for you and I certainly feel that at times, the need to update my social skills awareness, except I'm not alone. I don't feel like it. I talk to people online, I remain connected and aware of the world. I just rarely leave this room. Am I mad to hide in this room or am I just a sane man trapped by circumstance? It might not hurt to check but the worn hole in my shoe suggests the latter must to some extent be true.
Christ I would love to just go away on my own, to not have to deal with people who want to control me and get angry when they can't I am an anti-authoritarian and I read about science for fun, you cannot so easily manipulate me and expect me to be okay with it. Christ this does my head in. At least when dad's a cunt there's no sdoubting, no wondering of if somehow this is my fault. There is a refreshing clarity to clear overblown force. A woman who supposedly understands the workings of the mind seeming to mess with your head though? That's hard. Is it stupidity, malice, my paranoia, her madness or am I just a jerk and I don't know it?
I won't die, I know they won't actually let me die, I can survive but only if that is literally all I do. And they wonder why I'm not going out there and being more independent? Because anytime I do, anytime I let it become part of my life, they take it away.And all the while he tours book fairs and she goes on expensive holidays.
Oh well going to watch the final episode of series 9 of Doctor Who, hope it's a good one. I'm actually enjoying my writing at the moment. Tentacled aliens with an underclass of humans that they eat alive. I'm watching Christopher Odd's Letsplay of Bioshock 2 as my binge watch of choice now and there's a new Staggering Stories out.
Things are not great but the Oasis stands and the water is fucking lovely.