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Sunday, 6 September 2015

The Fall of the Patriarchy

The Fall of the Patriarchy

By
Alexander Gordon Jahans

The President of the United States of America, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the King of 4chan, the clown prince of Reddit and the world's greatest fanboy sat in a bunker as a war was fought in the world above.

"The Sky is falling" said the President as he watched plaster fall from the cieling as an explosion rocked the building their bunker was under.

The Prime Minster agreed, lamenting "It is the end of the Era"

The King was angry and sharpening a shiv he was wittling from the bone of a transgender woman "The fuckers want to take away our free speech"  

The Prince laughed "They're hypocrites I tell you! Hypocrites. I mean It's okay when they fight back against us but we're not allowed to murder and rape them in the streets? Ha! Hypocrites!"

The fanboy was masturbating desperately to his idol "They are so biased and corrupt, talking to people, being nice to them. How dare they! I have never corrupted my honour by being friends with anybody. They're biased harlots."

The door was knocked at and a female voice called "This is the Queen of the Earth! Open up! We've come to liberate you from prejudice and ignorance!"

The King said "Liars! You want to incarcerate us!"

The President said "You're a fucking communist!"

The Prime Minister sighed "You won't win you know"

The Prince laughed "Well how about we liberate you of your lives and flesh!"

The Fanboy said "Get your own heroes!"

The Queen said "Remember that I asked nicely"

Then there was silence.

The King broke it "I say we kill them"

The President nodded "The Founding Fathers gave us that right.

The Prime Minister rolled his eyes "They won't win."

The Fanboy stared at his idol, his fat face stained with tears "We should kill ourselves. We can't lret them corrupt us with their friendliness,"

The Prince laughed "Well I suppose we could split the difference and go for a murder suicide."

The Prime Minister balked "Look how about we just wait, I'm sure it'll be fine."

The President shook his head and picked up his assault rifle "What are you? A pussy? The Prince is right. Tonight we done in hell."

The King raised his shiv "Yeah! Fuck feminism!"

"Fuck the SJWs" said the Fanboy, getting to his feet.

The Prince laughed "Lets murder the bitches."

The Prime Minster squirmed "Dunkirk, the Gunpowder Plot, Tony Blair. Failure can be an advantage."

The President stared at him "You dare not to stand with us."

The Prime Minister shrugged "Our political system isn't like yours. It's not all or nothing. Even traitorous warmongers can retire with a healthy pension if they're canny."

The President was shocked "I thought we were friends"

The Prince laughed "Don't you see, the PM used you for his own ends."

The King said "The Feminists hate him so he's a friend of mine, President stand down."

The Fanboy said "Actually he put pressure on my favourite show. He is a traitor."

"Well of course." said the Prime Minister with a chuckle "You didn't think I was actually, racist, sexist and transphobic did you? I just pretended to be to get into power but I can see where the wind is blowing."

The President stared at him in disbelief "I promised to nuke your enemies"

An explosion blew the door off its hinges and feminist insurgents stormed in.

The Prime Minister punched the President in the face and took his assault rifle.

The Queen of the Earth strode in.

The Prime Minister dropped to one knee before her and held the gun aloft.

The Queen said "You won't die. You will stand trial for your crimes but you won't die, I can promise you that. Your culture is not being cleansed. Your views are just no longer mainstream. You are the minority now and lets face it you're a minority that doesn't need protecting because that is your whole schtick, that you are super best. Believe it or not this is not now the age of woman, it is the age of humanity because men who have been pressured by patriarchy to reach unattainable standards of beauty and behaviour are now free to be whoever and whatever they want to be."

Thje Prime Minister said "And what of me?"

"A mascot" said the Queen "A relic of the age of empire and nation states. Devolution, local governance and global society is the order of the day now. Like me you are a symbol of power, nothing more."

The Fanboy said "But a Symbol has more power than any man."

"No a symbol is art" said the Queen "In the Age of Humanity people have power and art is merely an expression of that power."

The King said "So what happens to my kingdom."

"It will live on" said the Queen "But the Minority that dislikes the age of humanity will find that the good can fight just as dirty as they can and that because they outnumber you they will always win.Your kingdom will become a place for lively discussion about how to make the age of humanity even better,"

The Clown Prince laughed "And what of me your majesty?"

The Queen smiled "An echochamber of bile. How terribly useful for keeping warriors ready to fight your minority. You work for me now."

The President said "Well that's all well and good for them but what about me?"

"You will be tried and if sentenced when you return you will find there is no United States of America. Instead there are several small countries with local governance on the continent of America. Oh and no guns."

The Fanboy stared at the Queen in wonder "Do you think they'll write stories about you?"

The Queen shrugged "We do love to romanticize endings don't we? I should think there will be some stories yes, why do you ask?"

"No reason" said the Fanboy, marveling at the woman who had seized control.

The Queen said "Take them away!"

The insurgents dragged the men out into the sunlight as a new day dawned.  

The Queen stepped out into the new dawn, the sun framed behind her head like a halo, she looked out at the dawning of the age of humanity and she thought it good.