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Tuesday, 29 September 2015

My Darkness

My Darkness

Alexander Gordon Jahans

I am not a monster, I know that. I am an arsehole at times, occasionally arrogant, rude, insensitive, a total fucking buzzkill, melodramatic, an attention whore and most wretchedly of all: A Pedant.

But I'm not a monster. I know categorically that nothing I have ever done classes me anywhere near that fucking scale.

And actually despite the fucked up genetics, arsehole father and apathetic contempt for my chances of getting a job and moving out under the current political climate I feel pretty darn good. My health is getting better, I'm growing a moustache, Doctor Who is back on and it's quite good, Arrow is awesome, there are plenty of letsplay episodes from Many A True Nerd, Chuggaaconroy and Zisteau to watch. Even my writing, as fucked up and shit as it may be, is fun and making me feel good. I have a lovely cat, my sister is coming home and it isd getting close to the season that always fills me with hope and joy.

Life. Is. Good.

But I have a confession to make: I am a Slytherin on Pottermore.

I may be a mostly harmless leftwing nerd but I identify as a predator, as a monster. In my heart and soul, in my nightmares and the moments that thrill me, that's what I am.

A monstrous shark was the first thing I ever saw and my childhood drilled it into me that I am a victim. I used to get so angry. So incredibly angry. There is a fire in me that is always burning, or was, I don't feel it so much now. A fire that burned for anyone who ever wronged me. I learned to control my rage, to control my nightmares but learning to control that rage and fear made it a part of me.

A little part of my brain wants me to add now "Hey remember that I'm still the zany nerd who wrote an essay on how the Doctor is Merlin and this is probably all just an over active imagination and being melodramatic" but that's not the point. I am not saying that this is what I am or do. You are your job, you are how you interact with the world and by that definition I think we all know that I may be an arrogant insensitive dickhead but I am mostly harmless. This isn't about reality, this is about my subjective understanding of who I am.

Good men don't need rules. Now is not the time to ask why I have so many. - The Doctor

I hated that story when it first aired. I raged at Moffat because the twist vindicated the mad speculators I had been denouncing but that phrase sums it up so neatly. 

Make no mistake in school my morality was a restraint. That was when the fire burned brightest, when I felt almost overwhelming rage on a near daily basis and my morality prevented me from even attempting to harm others, despite how much I wanted revenge. 

I don't need the restraints any more. I don't need morality an imposed code. I don't need to abide by this unwritten code of honour. Who is going to restart the fire? I mean yeah there's my dad but at this point I think he has realised that violence won't work with me any more. I don't have an enemy to fight, or at least no one who will threaten my code. I could let go. But I haven't.

My life would have been so much easier this past year if I had not been restrained by my moral code. I mean so what if I am economical with the truth on my cv, so what if I claim Job Seekers and keep up production on my writing and youtube when the law says I shouldn't, so what if I pirate Mad Max? These actions wouldn't kill people, they wouldn't hurt anyone. I didn't hold back from temptation, from people lecturing me, because these actions were inherently harmful. I held back because I still don't trust myself to remove these self imposed rules.

My favourite animal is a solitary creature that can only feel in the act of attacking and is designed by evolution to kill in one hit so by the time it knows its done something wrong it's too late.

My favourite hero is a solitary man who ran away from home, is forever losing friends, getting attacked constantly and despite calling himself a pacifist is all too ready to commit genocide should the moment call for it.

My defining character is a deeply insane individual who founded a conspiracy then reforms his ways due to a love he loses and becomes a hero to atone for being such a monumental bastard.

My self image is not a good one.

You either die a hero or you live to become a villain. - Harvey Dent

When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you. 
He who fights monsters should be careful lest he himself becomes one. - Nietzche

Right wingers like to joke that I am doomed to become one of them. That the left wing fire brand will inevitably give into the seductive greed and power of the right wing but they're wrong. I am not a good man. I am not innately left wing. That is a function of my morality. 

At school I would save my dinner money to buy things and I let greed keep me going back into the hell of school for such a long time. My mum wonders why I don't have the protestant work ethic. I did. I was sooooo greedy. I stole, I lied. And then I ceased to give a fuck and ever since I abandoned greed I have slept better.

Morality and and left wing values are a choice. A conscious decision against the reality of my soul. I am not a hero doomed to become a villain, I am a monster that fights monsters. 

I suppose that's probably why I like to keep myself isolated despite craving company. It is better to retain control when you are in control of your surroundings. And the thing is I have friends, good friends, who are still grappling with their own demons and they ask for help and it is so tough knowing that the answer is so simple but so very hard. Constant vigilance. To force yourself to keep the darkness under wraps and never give into temptation.

I am not moral because I am a good man, I am moral because I choose to be and I feel like I have to be,

Apologies if this is news.

Maybe a light fluffy story about someone moving to utopia and accidentally pulling a load of hot chicks wouldn't be such a totally horrendous thing to publish after all? Certainly better than an honest post admitting to feeling like a monster.

For anyone wondering why I made this admission, well I've been beating myself up about it for a while and tonight I found myself watching Arrow, drinking wine and lemonade and realising I am perhaps not as good as I may feel like I am.

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