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Wednesday, 30 September 2015

A Good Life?

A Good Life?

Alexander Gordon Jahans

So I'm in this weird space at the moment where it is both the best of times and the worst of times.

I have never felt so alone, I am living barely 5 meters from my abusive and manipulative father, I feel existentially fucked regarding my chances of getting a job moving out and doing the things normal people do. I am genuinely scared by the fact that I am increasingly unwell, what with needing stronger and stronger glasses for the cataracts in my eyes, the regular testosterone injections, the cortisol tablets twice a day and the constant blood tests and meeting with specialists. I don't know if I actually care about living any more and as we have established, I think I'm a monster for no adequately well thought out reason.

And yet,,, And yet...

I am writing every day, I have plenty of awesome podcasts and letsplays to watch, there are even awesome tv shows I want to watch but can't and I am walking every day and my diet feels like it hits some kind of balance between the need to feel full and the need to cut down and I have a internet brand based on honesty shamelessness and morality that has not as yet crumbled away into dust and is indeed genuinely getting quite good steady views.

I have somehow built a life that I enjoy and am proud of amidst a whirlwind of shit and it could disintegrate in an instant. One hurdle right now is that my sleeping pattern seems to have temporarily stabilised nocturnal and that's stopping me getting a bloodtest because the blasted hospital shuts at 5 but I have faith in my sleeping pattern's instability. I will be up for the blood test at some point.

I have only one big fear: That the hospital will find something. A tumor or a rare genetic defect or some bizarre disease that gives me a death sentence but even that doesn't really scare me. What scares me more is that I'm not sure part of me wouldn't prefer that to the insecurity of my current life.I like the oasis of creativity, nerd culture and exercise I have found for myself and I know that it cannot last so in a weird fucked up way it'd almost be a comfort to know it doesn't have to. 

Someday the oasis will fall, someday the scaffolding that holds it together will fail and this life will end and I doubt I will find something as good. At least not for a long while. I have felt tired for such a long time and I finally feel rested but there's still heck of a lot of mountain left to climb and I have no fucking idea left to climb it. I am a lazy nocturnal nerdy weirdo, how the fuck am I supposed to make it to 60? I need some kind of apprenticeship or trade but fuck that introduces a whole new field of existential angst on a global and generational scale. Which trade will last, which trade can I do, which trade won't see me in a worse situation? Hell if I fucking know.

But for now the oasis holds, this peace holds and I write and listen to Word Funk and Podquisition and the Revolutions podcast and watch Many A True Nrerd and Chuggaaconroy and Zisteau and on tv the Arrow, Flash and Doctor Who are there to keep the inspiration flowing.

The shit  I write may be the hugest pile of crap but it's fun and it helps me be me and so long as I don't charge for it, it doesn't really matter if its crap but I do think that it is getting better. There is definite improvement with regards to characterisation, descriptions and setting.

Most importantly though, every single day now I am walking up that damn hill for fun and I like it. The lazy arsehole is exercising for fun.

Christ this was a blog post inspired by the Word Funkers talking about how they deal with depression and almost think it's uplifting lol

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Changing my shirt on camera

My Darkness

My Darkness

Alexander Gordon Jahans

I am not a monster, I know that. I am an arsehole at times, occasionally arrogant, rude, insensitive, a total fucking buzzkill, melodramatic, an attention whore and most wretchedly of all: A Pedant.

But I'm not a monster. I know categorically that nothing I have ever done classes me anywhere near that fucking scale.

And actually despite the fucked up genetics, arsehole father and apathetic contempt for my chances of getting a job and moving out under the current political climate I feel pretty darn good. My health is getting better, I'm growing a moustache, Doctor Who is back on and it's quite good, Arrow is awesome, there are plenty of letsplay episodes from Many A True Nerd, Chuggaaconroy and Zisteau to watch. Even my writing, as fucked up and shit as it may be, is fun and making me feel good. I have a lovely cat, my sister is coming home and it isd getting close to the season that always fills me with hope and joy.

Life. Is. Good.

But I have a confession to make: I am a Slytherin on Pottermore.

I may be a mostly harmless leftwing nerd but I identify as a predator, as a monster. In my heart and soul, in my nightmares and the moments that thrill me, that's what I am.

A monstrous shark was the first thing I ever saw and my childhood drilled it into me that I am a victim. I used to get so angry. So incredibly angry. There is a fire in me that is always burning, or was, I don't feel it so much now. A fire that burned for anyone who ever wronged me. I learned to control my rage, to control my nightmares but learning to control that rage and fear made it a part of me.

A little part of my brain wants me to add now "Hey remember that I'm still the zany nerd who wrote an essay on how the Doctor is Merlin and this is probably all just an over active imagination and being melodramatic" but that's not the point. I am not saying that this is what I am or do. You are your job, you are how you interact with the world and by that definition I think we all know that I may be an arrogant insensitive dickhead but I am mostly harmless. This isn't about reality, this is about my subjective understanding of who I am.

Good men don't need rules. Now is not the time to ask why I have so many. - The Doctor

I hated that story when it first aired. I raged at Moffat because the twist vindicated the mad speculators I had been denouncing but that phrase sums it up so neatly. 

Make no mistake in school my morality was a restraint. That was when the fire burned brightest, when I felt almost overwhelming rage on a near daily basis and my morality prevented me from even attempting to harm others, despite how much I wanted revenge. 

I don't need the restraints any more. I don't need morality an imposed code. I don't need to abide by this unwritten code of honour. Who is going to restart the fire? I mean yeah there's my dad but at this point I think he has realised that violence won't work with me any more. I don't have an enemy to fight, or at least no one who will threaten my code. I could let go. But I haven't.

My life would have been so much easier this past year if I had not been restrained by my moral code. I mean so what if I am economical with the truth on my cv, so what if I claim Job Seekers and keep up production on my writing and youtube when the law says I shouldn't, so what if I pirate Mad Max? These actions wouldn't kill people, they wouldn't hurt anyone. I didn't hold back from temptation, from people lecturing me, because these actions were inherently harmful. I held back because I still don't trust myself to remove these self imposed rules.

My favourite animal is a solitary creature that can only feel in the act of attacking and is designed by evolution to kill in one hit so by the time it knows its done something wrong it's too late.

My favourite hero is a solitary man who ran away from home, is forever losing friends, getting attacked constantly and despite calling himself a pacifist is all too ready to commit genocide should the moment call for it.

My defining character is a deeply insane individual who founded a conspiracy then reforms his ways due to a love he loses and becomes a hero to atone for being such a monumental bastard.

My self image is not a good one.

You either die a hero or you live to become a villain. - Harvey Dent

When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you. 
He who fights monsters should be careful lest he himself becomes one. - Nietzche

Right wingers like to joke that I am doomed to become one of them. That the left wing fire brand will inevitably give into the seductive greed and power of the right wing but they're wrong. I am not a good man. I am not innately left wing. That is a function of my morality. 

At school I would save my dinner money to buy things and I let greed keep me going back into the hell of school for such a long time. My mum wonders why I don't have the protestant work ethic. I did. I was sooooo greedy. I stole, I lied. And then I ceased to give a fuck and ever since I abandoned greed I have slept better.

Morality and and left wing values are a choice. A conscious decision against the reality of my soul. I am not a hero doomed to become a villain, I am a monster that fights monsters. 

I suppose that's probably why I like to keep myself isolated despite craving company. It is better to retain control when you are in control of your surroundings. And the thing is I have friends, good friends, who are still grappling with their own demons and they ask for help and it is so tough knowing that the answer is so simple but so very hard. Constant vigilance. To force yourself to keep the darkness under wraps and never give into temptation.

I am not moral because I am a good man, I am moral because I choose to be and I feel like I have to be,

Apologies if this is news.

Maybe a light fluffy story about someone moving to utopia and accidentally pulling a load of hot chicks wouldn't be such a totally horrendous thing to publish after all? Certainly better than an honest post admitting to feeling like a monster.

For anyone wondering why I made this admission, well I've been beating myself up about it for a while and tonight I found myself watching Arrow, drinking wine and lemonade and realising I am perhaps not as good as I may feel like I am.

Saturday, 26 September 2015

Logicular Replication A Moral Quandary

Logicular Replication
A Moral Quandary

Alexander Gordon Jahans

If you could find someone and replicate them to fulfill whatever needs or wants you had and they consented, would you do it?

That is the question that vexes me. In my head it's said by the Doctor, as if to Davros. Because I genuinely don't know what my answer would be.

I want to say yes. This seems like the key to solve untold fantasies and ills and I almost think I can justify it morally.

Except it seems too tempting. It seems like a trap. Strike me down will all your anger. Luke, let the anger flow through you. I don't want to jump off a slippery slope and right now it's getting a little hard to keep my footing.

The case for:

What is Logicular Replication?

Well basically it's what happens if you turn teleportation into replication. And I'm not talking Star Trek.

Star Trek style teleportation is impossible because Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle states that the act of measuring changes what you're measuring. That all things at the subatomic scale exist as a wave of probability that collapse into a particular state when measured. 

The absurdity of this notion is what Schrodinger mocked when he said that under the laws of quantum mechanics if you put a cat in a sealed container with some poison gas that would be released on the detection of a particular subatomic particle until you opened the box the cat would be both alive and dead. 

One of the counters to Schrodinger's Cat is the idea that all states of all wave forms exist somewhere, taking the measurement doesn't collapse the wave form, rather it dictates or indicates what reality we live in. This fundamental idea is one of the foundations for my multiverse. This is bedrock quantum physics.

There is however a way around Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle called Quantum Entanglement and it is a provably observable phenomenon. Basically Quantum Entanglement twins subatomic particles together, thus when you take one measurement from a particle, you can take the other measurement from the twinned particle and this data can then be used to replicate the first subatomic particle esewhere in a process known as Quantum Teleportation. Quantum Teleportation on the subatomic scale a readily observable reality thanks to modern science. There may yet be certain structural and physical factors preventing this from being scaled up and indeed there are entire schools of science dedicated to explaining why the science of Quantum Mechanics can or can't be incorporated with wider macroscopic physics.

You see the potential though, certainly other scientists have, what if you could Star Trek teleport people using Quantum Teleportation? 

Well on the one hand you would die and a clone of you would be created but on the other hand it's just grandad's spade taken to the nth degree. Instead of replacing the head and shaft, or individual cells, every few years, you replace them in a single instant. Is it still the same spade or did it stop being the same spade? 

Because we are grandad's spade. We are all slowly dying and being replaced with exact copies, it just happens so slowly and at such a small scale that we don't notice. Thus there is a very compelling case for the idea that Star Trek style teleportation is perfectly fine. The problems only occur when the original isn't destroyed in the scanning process. Which brings us neatly to Logicular Replication.

Logicular Replication is a fantasy. It is impossible within our world. Probably. 

Logicular Replication uses the magic science of my multiverse to take a quantum teleportation style scan of a subject without destroying them. This data is then saved and used to mass produce the quantum teleportation data clones. And this is where it gets interesting.

Under the ethics of Quantum Teleportation the data clones are literally the same as the subject. Just grandad's spade to the nth degree.

So imagine you're a Farsh-nuke or a Bam-Kursh or a Logicio and you want to find a person and mass produce them for lust, profit or humanitarian reasons. You're a charismatic intelligent person and you can search the entire multiverse for a near infinite amount of time until you find the one person who will fit your plans and consent to them?

Well Grandad's spade to the nth degree is literally the same person as that needle in a haystack who consented.

Physically this factory of data clones is literally, in terms of quantum teleportation, the same as the one that consented. Morally there's hypothetically nothing wrong because they consented and you can of course set up support networks to protect the rights of the data clones should they wish to use them. Pragmatically it might make a lot of sense to say replicate the best worker in a particular area.

The case against:

Can something really consent if it is made to consent? If you logularly replicate someone who consents you are artificially creating life forms that are preprogrammed to consent. Albeit by the choices someone quantum teleportation might regard as their own selves. 

You see this idea is dangerously seductive because there is all this evidence and reasoning to say that it's totally cool but it is still ultimately inherently exploitative so perhaps a better question to ask is:

Is exploitation okay if enthusiastic consent is practised?

Let's go back to the Star Trek example if Kirk beams down to a planet then beams back, is the data clone of Kirk that arrives back on the Enterprise able to consent to the 9am meeting with his officers that earlier Kirk consented to.

Heck lets go back to the grandad's spade analogy. Our bone cells are completely replaced every ten years and they take the longest to replace so can you be expected to consent to something you consented ten or more years ago? After all you are a different spade, a different data clone, a different you.  

At what point does existential replacement mean that consent is no longer consent?

If Kirk promises to meet up for a date with someone and his data clone steps off the transporter pad and gives enthusiastic consent is that rape? 

Heck if you were to logicularly replicate Kirk and drop the data clones about various places designed to attract his amorous advances are those Kirk's able to consent despite initiating the action? After all they're only following biological preprogramming that they didn't dictate or have a say in. 

I honestly don't know the answers so thank fuck that most of this stuff is currently impossible.

The Long Utopia Review

David Cameron did a dead pig

Friday, 25 September 2015

nsfw Vlog and rant about why I like Trans representation

Perdido Street Station Review nsfw

Choice World NSFW

Choice World
An attempt to ratify a fictional utopia

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Max was walking up the hill at night, listening to Imagine Dragons, when a strange man stepped out in front of him with a clipboard.

Max stopped, paused his music and pulled out an earbud. “Pardon?”

The man wore a smart 3 piece suit and had short helled back hair. “Max Leonard Starling?”

“Yeees...” said Max dubiously.

“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Frederick Hamish Pearson, I am a Farsh-nuke and it is my very great honour to invite you to be a denizen of choice.” said the strange man.

Max studied the man “Is this some kind of cult?”

“No” said Frederick “It’s some kind of utopia or at least I like to think so. It’s not exactly easy to get to, certainly with your level of technology so I will have to ferry you.”

Max stared at the man “You’re mad, absolutely mad.”

“And I respect your opinion Max” said Frederick “But I have to give you a proper choice. If you ever change your mind, here’s my card and I’ll be parked by the bus stop for a week.”

“Right” said Max and he put his ear bud back in, unpaused the music and started striding up the hill.

He read the the strange man’s card:

Frederick Hamish Pearson
Seghat pilot
Sylph Tamer
Dog Walker
Ferryman for the Denizens of Choice

What an odd business card?

Max crested the hill and walked back, wondering what this meant.

He passed the bus stop and paused.

Frederick was standing outside, smoking from a pipe. “Filthy habit, been meaning to give it up.”

Max looked at the rickety wooden shed the strange man was standing against, the smoking normalised the man somewhat, he entered the shed.

Frederick sighed and put out his pipe then followed after him.

“It’s bigger on the inside” said Max in amazement at the vast interior and then he noticed the naked woman in the cage “And you have a naked woman in a cage.”

“Oh that’s Lucy” said Frederick casually “She’s my pet Sylph”

The woman, Lucy, asked “Is this a sylph come to join me Freddy?”

“Sadly not” said Frederick and he started dancing at the controls of a mushroom shaped console. “He is come to witness Choice World.”

“Ooh I love that place” said Lucy.

Max shook his head in astonishment and in a moment the doors were reopened and Max saw that it was a bright and shining day.

“Come on” said Frederick and together they walked out into a great city plaza.

Men and women of all shapes and sizes and colours wlked past, he saw half a dozen blue skinned people and even a gorilla in a businned suit walking a scantily clad woman on the end of a leash.

“Welcome to a world where discrimination does not happen” said Frederick “Come lets get a pint and I will answer your questions.”

Max followed Frederick into the bar and asked “Look I’m not the most unenlightened fellow, I know that some people can like different ways of living but surely keeping Lucy in a cage isn’t necessary?”

Frederick sighed “She likes it. We both do. It reinforces our relationship.”

Frederick led them into a 70s style pub and led Max to the bar “What do you want?”

“Err cider, apple cider” said Max going with something safe.

A tall woman with long black hair noticed Max and said with glee “New blood, tell me cider boy, have you ever considered a life as a vampire’s thrall?”

Max stared at the woman, terrified.

Frederick handed Max his cider and raised his own pint to his lips, the red staining his moustache “You ever considered life as a Sylph?

The vampire woman glared at Frederick.

Frederick smiled “A Farsh-nuke and a Vamp having a dominate off, I think that’s a porno?”

The vampire snorted and looked away.

Frederick led Max to a quiet corner of the pub.

Max said “You have vampires? What kind of utopia has vampires?

“One that doesn’t discriminate said Frederick then he sighed “They’re not really vampires. They’re just Anne Rice fans who prefer their sylph blood taken straight from the source.”

“People drink sylph blood?” said Max incredulously.

“Of course” said Frederick, gesturing to his drink “That’s what this is. Of course this is synthesised, as is all blood and meat and what have you in Choice World. Grown in great factory labs without the need to create, make suffer then kill thinking creatures. The only farms we have are kink farms.”

“Kink farms?” asked Max.

Frederick sipped his drink “Farms made of consenting adults engaging in a kind of hyper advanced BDSM play. That’s what being a vampire’s thrall means. They dress it up in ritual romance and pretend magic but in simple terms they drug you so you become a sylph then they harvest what they will of you in a kink farm. A certain amount of pretend outrage and escaping is expected of course but if you ever actually explain that it isn’t your thing they’ll listen and if they don’t nano bots in the air will report them and they will be tried and punished accordingly.”

Max said “I noticed a gorilla in a business suit earlier and some people with skin colours that don’t seem possible.”

Frederick nodded “We get a few furries here. They can undergo simple procedures to become whatever life form they wish to be. There’s even a couple of dragons and megalodon sharks. Compared to that the skin colour changes are far easier. We also do sex change procedures on a sliding scale and you can have a pod installed at home so you can change any time you like. You can even have your sexual preferences changed.”

Max stared at him “But isn’t that horrendously distasteful and insulting? That you can choose to be gay or choose to change gender on a whim?”

Frederick shook his head “This is what happens when you let bigots dictate the narrative of acceptability. Conform or die. Well fuck that attitude. Yes gender and sexuality can be a choice given sufficiently advanced technology but that is no bad thing.”

Frederick looked Max in the eye “Look no sane person will deny that you need cheap and easy sex change technology for Transgendered people because it saves lives and no sane person will deny that if you can rewrite a paedophile’s brain to stop them hurting kids that you should. Well once you accept that, once you know how to do that, why not expand upon the technology to give people the choice to be whatever gender and sexual orientation they feel like?”

Max sighed “I suppose I see your point”

They finished their drinks in silence and Frederick led Max out of the pub.

As they headed back across the parlor to the shed Max asked “So what do you do here? How does your civilization work? I mean if everyone is doing what they choose?”

“Variety” said Frederick pausing before the shed “Choice World was founded by defectors from the Logicios, the Architrects of Chaos, the United Civilisations of the Multiverse and even the Pan Galactic Good Time Association. Hippies work the land in a kind of eden utopia. Macho men work in the building trade. Nerds run the internet. And in the places where choice is not enough, technology and the ear of a friendly eldritch abomination like myself is used to supplement things. I’ll show you.”

Max entered the shed with Frederick and a moment later he exited out into a hospital.

Frederick headed towards reception. He flashed a badge at the receptionist and said “I’d like a nurse Joy to go please”

Max stared at him.

A moment later a slender 30 year old nurse with long flowing ginger hair approached. “Carol, what is it? I’m very busy.”

Frederick held up his badge for him to examine “Don’t worry Maam, we won’t be a moment.”

The nurse nodded and left the reception “Look, I accept that you have authority but I really am very busy.”

Frederick chuckled and entered the shed.

Max and the nurse followed.

Frederick danced around the shed for a moment then turned to address the nurse. “Miss Joy, this is Max. He is new to Choice World, could you explain your story please?”

“Very well” said the nurse and she turned to Max and explained “I wanted all my life to help people and after training for years to be a nurse I got my break and it was heart breaking and exhilarating and disgusting and very tough but I loved it. Then a woman approached me. She called herself the Bam-Kursh. Said she was looking to set up a community and it needed nurses and I was perfect for the job. I explained that I was very busy and already had a job thank you. And that’s when she revealed the twist.”

“What twist?” asked Max.

The nurse smirked “She wasn’t asking to hire me. She was asking to buy me whole sale. She said she could make it so I never aged, never needed sleep or food. I would never get tired, never get ill. She would mass produce me and provide me to hospitals, I could even go back to my community. And she would really buy me. Donate an insane amount of money to the charity or charities of my choice.”

“How is that possible?” asked Max.

The nurse shrugged.

Frederick explained “The Bam-Kursh is an expert on making toys. She knows exactly how to make it happen and then she uses a deep scan of the kind you might use in quantum teleportation to precisely replicate the toy in question and mass produce them. Technically speaking that is what Nurse Joy is. Big hospitals can fabricate Nurse Joys on demand because after a few decades of service they tend to get a little willing to settle down and be more conventional toys for people they like or even become sylphs. What you are looking at Max is the one woman in a nearly infinite multiverse who could fill this position, mass produced to order.”

Max stared at the nurse “So do you not eat or sleep?”

“Oh I can and do most days” said the nurse “But if I forget it’s not a big deal.”

Frederick said “All working toys have a microchip identifying what model in particular they are so that they can be recorded in legal cases and there’s a tattoo of a barcode on their rump that indicates where they were printed from should they go rogue and their printer need to be taken offline.”

The nurse nodded “I have needed the microchip more than once. Disgruntled patients sometimes blame the nurse out of paranoia for something a doctor did, plus being mass produced makes people uneasy.”

Max asked “What do you mean, should they go rogue?”

Frederick said “The Bam-Kursh didn’t just waltz Joy onto the input plate of a Logicular Scanner. She altered her biology. That alteration includes some intricate logic encoding to ensure the nurse never gets stressed or tired or loses her ability to be personable. That kind of encoding can go dangerously wrong if the printer fucks up.”

Max nodded “Yeah that would be bad.”

Max thought for a moment then said “So why did you flash your badge?”

The nurse said “People who provide for the society but don’t live in it enough to gain the benefits of it have the right of renewable freeness. If someone with that badge wants anything from society that is easily renewable then they have but to ask.”

Max was dumbfounded.

Frederick grinned “Naturally since Nurse Joy is a very renewable resource I get her for free. You can have her if you like?”

The nurse glared at him “I have work to do.”

Max said “Thank you really but this is a bit much to take in.”

“You’re off the hook” said Frederick with a laugh and he went back to his controls.

“I’m sorry” said the nurse “Perhaps if we meet again, I’ll let you take me out for coffee and we can see where the night goes?”

Max stammered “S-sure”

The door opened and nurse joy stepped out.

A tall blonde woman entered pulling a punk “Sorry to bother you but can you tame me please? My ignorant boyfriend doesn’t have the balls.”

The punk sighed “I just don’t want the magic to go. I love you for you.”

“And I want to be your pet” said the woman frustratedly.

Frederick laughed.

The punk threw his hands up in the air defensively. “Hey, I’m real sorry about this. I don’t want to bother you.”

The woman said “Come on, you’ve got a seghat you must be able to tame me?”

Frederick placed a finger on the woman’s lips, silencing her and handed the punk his card “Call me and I’ll give you a quote. You don’t have to do this but if you do I can help you.”

The punk nodded and took the card “Cheers”

Frederick stroked the woman’s cheek “And as for you? Honey, I am a Farsh-nuke, I would love to tame you but I don’t do freebies. Take your man to relationship councilling and remember that a Logicio or even a lesser Farsh-nuke might just lie to you so he can eat you. Be careful.”

The woman nodded “Okay but you are taming me?”

Frederick withdrew his hand “Just so long as you provide the cash.”

The punk and the woman left the shed.

Frederick chuckled and got to piloting the shed.

Max asked “So how does money work? I mean I can’t imagine a utopia having free market capitalism?”

“Right you are” said Frederick as he opened the shed doors and led Max outside “The Denizens of Choice are each granted a universal basic income which is enough to live comfortably on. If they pursue any kind of productive passion that provides a service to others then they get extra. This money invariably accrues massively in the hands of an elite minority who are then milked with massive rates of tax but being part of the high tax barrier grants them access to the societies special resources and so despite being effectively taxed to the point of having a reasonable income their contacts allow them to do things the common people can’t.”

“Regulated Capitalism” said Max “I like that.”

“It is world of sharks and seals” said Frederick “The seals are kept happy, plentiful and obedient and the sharks get to rule the seas.”

Max asked “What if you don’t want to swim with sharks?”

“Then you can join a commune of seals and ignore the vampires and elder gods and top tax payers when they walk amongst you to lure a seal away.” said Frederick “To many people Choice World is a kind of communist utopia but equally to the sharks it is the most gloriously corrupt and decadent dystopia that happens to benefit them. The difference of course is a matter of perception. Any citizen can own or become a toy or a sylph or a piece of art but the rich make it fashionable and so the minority that don’t need to be convinced to take advantage of another facilitate the desires of those seals who want to be taken advantage of.”

Max asked “Is there any crime?”

“We have capitalism so we have theft” said Frederick “People are still people so we do get attempted murder and rape but most of the time surveillance can halt a crime before or as it happens and certainly every victim makes a complete recovery. The most common crime is choice crime, where you alter the perceptions of your victim so their interpretation of reality is exactly what they want and consent to while the reality is what you want. This can be difficult as for some people this is genuinely an ideal solution and in some cases the victims don’t press charges against the person who decieved them but rather the person who shattered the illusion. Fortunately the surveillance sorts these situations out.”

Max nodded “So if I ever want to go, I just have to dial, yeah?”

Frederick nodded. “Good luck with your life Max.”

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Venting steam about my mother

Morality, Faith and the Will to Live

Morality, Faith and The Will to Live

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Question: Why do the moral write and consume fiction about immoral things?


So the internet goes down, an arsehole invades my privacy to apologise for being an arsehole, I found out my dad’s latest attempt at manipulation and control is trying to blame my testosterone for the one time I went on the offensive and tried to push him out of the house, then I find out I have low cortisol and need to take pills at precise times every day that are anathema to my sleeping pattern or I will die, my mum all but makes clear that she still sees me as a child and then I finish listening to Perdido Street Station and find out that cuddly badass Geruda Yag is a rapist.

Yet... I feel good.

You see there is a tension at my heart that rarely gets acknowledged because compared to everything else it seems ridiculous. I went to a Church of England School as an atheist and I have been lapsing towards christianity for a while now but the lapsing never gets very far because science, man, it just wrecks christianity asunder.

Hypothesis: Imagine there was a dichotomy at your core? You are a moral person but you are flawed, you are disgusted by yourself? You might try to write as a warning, as therapy, to understand yourself, to vent safely? You might read about the immoral so as to better understand immorality through the prism of morality and so better understand your morality?

How do you believe in yourself when you hate yourself and want to die? This is why god is appealing, why religion is appealing, to me. I don’t have to believe in myself because Mr Magic Hero Man will save the day. I don’t have to worry about watching myself because a divine being is watching and judging for me. I don’t need to worry about the shit I’m enduring because the divine has a plan and one day everything will be fine in the after life. It also removes the sweet seductive temptation of atheist oblivion if you know you’ll have an eternity of wondering “What if...?”

This is something that crops up in my writing. It is deliberate and explicit to a certain extent that the Farsh-nuke, the Bam-Kursh and Gfaxxy Quluwmcy are atheist interpretations of Jesus, Lucifer and Gaia, albeit seen through that great vision of atheist christianty, Doctor Who (The Doctor, the Master and the Brigadier).

When you are lost and alone with so little to live for and fucked up genetics the Farsh-nuke or the Bam-Kursh turning up to seduce you and whisk you away to a different life, obeying their higher power is tempting. An idea that recurra because it is a longed for fantasy.

Answer: Because the more you come to understand morality, the more you understand that it is a kind of faith.

I am happy because I am not a christian blindly following a set of handed down rules and I am not an automaton making calculations to determine utilitarian morality. I am not lawful good and I am not chaotic neutral. I am chaotic good. I am anti-authoritarian and fundamentally self motivated but I morally driven.

My morality is not gospel and it is not anyone’s canon, I will not be lectured and pedanted by people who don’t know the circumstances. My morality is my faith. My morality is my reason to live. My will to live. I am not an important man by any stretch of the imagination but my causes are and they deserve all the help they can get. My life is not important and I will welcome death when it inevitably comes but I will avoid it for as long as I can so I can continue the good fight.

I am not a good man and by my own standards I am a fairly despicable individual but it is not the colour of the soul that matters, it is how you use it to affect the world. I will be honest in the low motivations behind writing what I do but I can and like to think I do use this to further my aims. I am still a novice at writing and have much to learn but at least when I try to give my wank fodder a fig leaf of justification to let myself sleep at night there is a modicum of depth and lore and allegory and metaphor behind it beyond “It’s okay that she’s naked because she breathes through her skin”

So what do I stand for? What are my, to be awfully grandiose, commandments?

1. That no one should suffer when the resources are available to ease the suffering.
2. That choice and consent is of paramount importance.
3. That no one’s skin or genitals should stop them from living the life they want to lead.
4. That suffering should be eliminated wherever possible.
5. Wherever possible, find a way to have your cake and eat it to.

These are the values that determine my morality and determine my faith. This is how I judge the world and want myself judged. I find it interesting to note that my criticvs have a point. My self loathing does wash onto fellow men who want to live good moral lives that happen to reinforce a system that discourages others from living theirs but I suppose that’s the point. If you are going to enjoy something that under the current system would help hold people back and oppress them then you have to make clear that you are not defending the system, either by criticising it or nakedly showing the exploitative nature for what it is. Either be honest that you are part of the oppressive system or criticise it, don’t defend the system with “It’s okay because she breathes through her skin”

Yag denied consent in a horrific way but in all other respects Yag is a nice guy who put his life on the line for the service of good and I am glad that he found apotheosis and rebirth.

My crimes are nowhere near the same scale but they have weighed on my heart. How can I, as a moral man, write this stuff? Because that is who I am for good or ill and with it I can stay alive and fight the good fight.

My dad is a manipulative cunt but this is not new.

I may have to take pills every day for the rest of my life but look at it this way the man who has fought against habits all his life, now has one and it is not so bad as I first thought plus there may yet be a third way to stay alive and not worry about my sleeping pattern.

Trolls will be trolls.

The internet is, by the time you read this, back up.

I am reborn an anti-theist with faith in my morality and I am happy right here, more or less.

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Doctor Who series 9 episode 1 review spoilers

John McDonnell MP "this is not a recovery it's a robbery"

Lets talk about the Lib Dems

Lets talk about the Lib Dems

Alexander Gordon Jahans

Lets be clear: Whether you love or hate them the Liberal Democrats are the protest party that fucked it up.

The Liberal Democrats were the reasonable alternative to the tories and the red tories and then they shacked up with the tories. True there is a narrative, that I buy into to a certain extent, which says that this was a noble sacrifice to cushion against the worst of the tories until Labour were ready to fight the good fight again. A narrative that clearly fails on first examination because Labour still lost but perhaps succeeds if Jeremy becomes Leader in 2020 and the Lib Dems bought some time so we didn't have to endure ten years of full on tories.

However it really doesn't matter how you interpret their coalition with the tories, the fact is that they are a broken force and the country needs Jeremy Corbyn's Labour to win next election yet here the Libdems are taking advantage of the establishment crowing about Corbyn to strut their stuff and say "Our time is now" 

Look fellas, I understand that you need to rebuild your confidence but people are dying and you fuckers are playing politics, kind of undermines the heroic sacrifice narrative somewhat. 

Then again there is another factor to take into account: Gerry Mandering.

The tories must know Labour are a threat and they've already announced they intend to redraw constitutional boundaries and what better way to ensure your victory at the next election than to ensure that the dead Lib Dem party are the only competition that matters.

If that is the case then what the Liberal Democrats are doing is a very heroic thing indeed. They know they won't get elected again but what they can do is rebuild party confidence by appealing to the rightwing fuckers and left wing moderates by saying "Hey look we were in coalition with the tories you must like us" and so reclaim seats at the next election and weaken the tories yet further.

But that's political tactics what do I personally feel about them?

I like them.

Liberal Democrats are in general good people, perhaps a little blind to the hatred people have for their party at times but they are good people. No Lib Dem has ever insulted me, which is more than I can say for ukip, tories, Labour members and even my own Greens. Heck self professed communists have insulted my morality. Lib Dems have always been fair and fact focused.

The Party itself is something I have voted for when Green wasn't available and I could probably vote for them again. Indeed Tim Farron, though he might be a little too religiously minded when it comes to subjects like gay marriage, seems a genuinely good egg who is willing to stand up and be an opposition leader to the party his was previously shacked up with. 

Obviously I prefer the Greens (if I am prepared to acknowledge that they lack experience and fucked up Brighton a bit) and I certainly think we all need to push behind Jeremy Corbyn but the Liberal Democrats are good guys and they have a difficult but noble job to do. They have to appeal to the tories while campaigning against them, they have to be the traitors stealing victories for the tories to cripple them. In the political war against Austerity the Liberal Democrats are a valuable double agent. I salute them and wish them luck on their mission. Bring Cameron down lads and reclaim your honour. It won't be easy and it won't be nice. You will be hated more so than ever before but this is your duty and your right to the spoils, soak up as many tory votes as you can lads.

Get rid of Guns

Tony Benn in the House of Commons - Iraq Bombing speech (RARE)

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

The Toy Maker NSFW

The Toy Maker
A Distraction Fic

Alexander Gordon Jahans

She stepped of the shadows, tall and elegant in a victorian ball gown. Her craggy features surveyed the university campus. This was her hunting grounds. She wanted one very specific kind of woman.

No, too short. Too ugly. Eh, race not ideal. Wrong hair colour. Come on. Come on. There...

She was average height, skinny, pale and blonde. And utterly absorbed in her phone as she walked, perfect.

The huntress struck. She bustled past on an intercept route and sure enough the prey walked into the huntress, dropped her phone and tripped over her.

The huntress caught the phone and swiftly downloaded the contents to her quantum oscillator.

The prey got to her feet and apologised “I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Oh it’s quite alright, dear” said the huntress as she approached on her prey. It would be so easy to take her now, to bend her to her whim but no. Toys were best when given freely. She smiled “I saved your phone.”

“Oh thank god!” said her prey, receiving the phone.

The huntress smiled politely “It’s no bother, just look after yourself.”

The prey nodded then said “That’s a actually a really fancy get up you’ve got on. Nice look.”

The huntress grinned “Oh I’ve travelled a bit.”

“Well safe travels, I’ve got classes. See ya” and with that the prey turned and walked off.

The huntress watched her go and admired the prey’s butt in her tight jeans. One day she would be hers.

The huntress returned to the shadows.


The copy of the prey’s phone yielded her name Lisa Watkins. She was studying to be an architect and her parents were poor but loving. This was her big break. Poor girl didn’t have a proper understanding of just how thoroughly fucked this England’s economy was.

Another thing that was learned about her prey by cracking into her social media accounts were the type of guys she liked. The Huntress used this information to set up some chance encounters until sure enough... Lisa was dating.

The Huntress travelled forward by two months and checked Lisa’s history a brief fling that had started to become serious until he lost interest and started cheating. The Huntress picked her moment and planned her next attack.


Lisa sat crying outside the night club. A friend of hers with purple highlights stood having a smoke “He’s a bastard.”

Lisa honked as a snot bubble burst on her face “Bastard, fucking vile bastard. How could he do this to me.”

“I told you, he’s a bastard, they all are.”

The huntress stepped out of the shadows laughing then she turned at the sound of crying and asked “What’s the matter?”

“Her ex is a bastard” said the smoker with the purple hair.

“He really is” said Lisa “I thought we were - Bastard! - I thought we were a proper couple you know?”

The huntress nodded solemnly “Hang on, don’t I know you?”

Lisa said “I don’t know.”

The huntress stepped closer, the the light of a streetlamp illuminating her more fully “Yeah, I caught your phone.”

“Oh yeah” said Lisa “You’re the woman with the fancy dress.”

“You could say that” said the huntress with a smile “Look I can’t bare to see someone so young upset so here’s an idea, tomorrow you and me go travelling?”

“I couldn’t” said Lisa, honestly.

“Oh it’s okay I won’t be leaving till six in the evening, just think about it okay” said the huntress “I’ll be waiting by the gates of campus until then. I know some sights and I will buy you dinner.”

Lisa smiled incredulously “Are you coming on to me?”

The huntress made a show of looking conflicted before saying “No, I just know what it means to have a broken heart.”

Lisa chuckled “I’ll think about it.”

The huntress pulled out a few notes “Buy yourselves a couple of kebabs and some vodka. Purge that bastard from your life.”

Lisa stood and took the money from the huntress “Thank you.” then she paused, looking at the huntress and how this older woman was clearly concerned for her “And it’s Lisa, what’s your name?”

“I am the Bam-Kursh” said the huntress as she looked into Lisa’s eyes “I look forward to seeing you there tomorrow.”

“Alright” said Lisa “Alright I will come. I’m curious now.”

The huntress grinned “Be careful. You know what happened to Schrodinger’s cat?”

Lisa laughed.

Her friend with the purple hair said irritably “It wasn’t that funny”

The huntress doffed her hat and strode off into the shadows.


The huntress waited from 5pm outside the gates of the university campus.

Lisa turned up at a quarter to 6.

“So you made it then?” said the huntress as her prey approached in comfortable but stylish clothes.

Lisa said “Well I feel like shit, thank you for the idea to get a kebab and vodka by the way. My room smells just amazing at the moment. But I said I would come and I am curious.”

“Where’s your friend?” asked the huntress with curiosity.

“She couldn’t make it” lied Lisa “So what’s the plan?”

“Well I thought I might catch a lift to a view and then I might check out a museum before heading to this restaurant I’ve heard about. How does that sound?” said the huntress.

Lisa shrugged “Sounds good to me.”

The huntress managed to keep the conversation focused on Lisa and letting her talk about her life as the cab arrived and took them to the outskirts of town.

The huntress got out of the cab first and spoke to the driver.

Lisa got out and was blown away by the view. They were by an old aquaduct that span a gorge and across the gorge there was a village that screamed twee.

“Wow” said Lisa.

The huntress nodded appreciatively “It is a good view isn’t it?”

“Yeah...” said Lisa the majesty of the sight blowing her away “But I gather you usually travel further afield.”

“Oh definitely” said the huntress “But I could hardly bring you along as hand luggage could I?”

Lisa snorted “You are definitely flirting with me”

The huntress smirked, admiring her prey “Would it bother you if I was?”

“No” said Lisa with a wry smile “I mean I’m not gay and I don’t think I’m bi but I’m willing to be convinced.”

The huntress laughed “Well don’t worry I’m not trying to convince you of anything.”

Lisa asked “Then why am I out here and why are you buying me dinner?”

The huntress sighed “Because I like you and I want you to be happy.”

Lisa turned to look at the huntress, intrigued by her words “We met once?”

“Yes” said the huntress “But I was your age once. You’ve got your whole future ahead of you and you’re just about to step out into the world. It’s a frightening time and you can barely see to put one foot in front of the other. So tonight I want you to be happy.”

Lisa frowned.

A bell chimed and the huntress said “Come on, we have an appointment to makre at a museum.”

Lisa nodded “Okay.”


The Museum was a children’s toy museum and now Lisa understood. This was not the sort of place you took a date to. It was creepy and kind of boring but Lisa read the plaques and watched the videos as the Bam-Kursh looked about the place with fascination.

After a while an old lady with white curly hair informed them that a special showing was ready.

Lisa followed the Bam-Kursh and the old lady into a side room where an old balding man stood with a bunch of old Barbie dolls and proceeded to explain the origins and history of the Barbie doll.

The Bam-Kursh was fascinated but she also glanced at Lisa now and again and seemed to be checking that she was paying attention so Lisa would feign interest..

At last the talk ended and the Bam-Kursh led Lisa out of the shop and into the car.


The huntress exited the cab with her prey and approached the restaurant. Lisa had paid attention to the exhibits and the talks, she would be ready, she could understand. This wasn’t about convincing her. This was about explaining exactly what the huntress wanted with Lisa so that she would be able to come willingly when the huntress asked her to.

The waiter showed them to their reserved table and the huntress waited until their drinks had arrived and they had ordered food to begin explaining.

The huntress took a sip of wine and said “I want to tell you a story Lisa. It might seem weird and nonsensical but it’s important that you listen to what I have to say.”

Lisa smiled “Okay, I’ve been waiting for this. Go on, I’m listening.”

“So in the beginning shit was bad. It was chaos, anarchy. There was no order, but there was the idea of order, of logic. It emerged as echoes of an earlier anomaly and formed long grotesque chains. Some of these chains became knotted and matted until things started to grow on it over time. A few of these knotted chains developed sentience, after all there was no order to say that was impossible.” said the huntress “Two of these knots of sentient logic became friends and they were both mad. But something happened. I mean they were both mad and wild and free and powerful and then this woman died and her soul incarnated in the nothingness. One of the knots decided to take pity on the woman and ate her soul. The knot saw the logic of the woman and realised it loved this thing and wanted to be like her, it wanted that form, it wanted to take care of things like that. It also saw that it was not of the gender of the woman and so became in his soul a he.”

The huntress paused to take a sip of wine and studied Lisa, she was fascinated.

“The he knot met with the other knot and introduced the knot to the idea of humanity and gender and sex and the knot that had no gender shrugged and said “You are my friend, if you are a man and you see yourself as different from women then I must also be a man” and so the two men ravished the fledgling multiverse, growing more and more human with each soul they ate but as they played they realised that they each approached humanity differently. The knot that had become a man first had met humanity at its best and most humble so he wanted to protect it, to look after it. The other knot saw humanity as so inferior as to not worth caring about. He approached humanity as a means to have fun with his old friend and came to understand in the language of humanity that that made them his toys. Except the more he learned and matured the more he came to understand that humans were as sentient as he and his old friend. They were not toys but he could still play with them, he could make them his toys. He was the toy maker.”

The huntress finished telling her story.

Lisa was utterly engrossed “I think I see now why you wanted to see that museum and listen to that talk.”

The huntress grinned “I’m glad you understand.”

Lisa said enthusiastically “It’s an interesting story. Good luck with it.”

The huntress stared at Lisa in confusion but Lisa didn’t notice as the waiter arrived with their meals.

They ate in silence.

When they’d each cleared their plates the huntress said “Lisa, I didn’t just bring you here so I could tell you my story.”

“No?” asked Lisa wondering what else the night entailed then.

The huntress removed her business card from her purse and slid it across the table.

Lisa examined it “Bam-Kursh, toy maker and adventurer.”

She looked up at the huntress “What are you trying to say?”

“The Toy Maker and his friend were caught and tried and executed. Naturally both survived by virtue of being manipulative as heck but there was a complication. Their souls were taken by champions and implanted in the bodies of still born children to give them another chance.” said the huntress “My friend had further complications but I developed alongside my host and I realised I was never really a man. I was just playing at being one to be with my mate and we, that is me and my host, grew as one, unified under my true name. Lisa, I am the Bam-Kursh and I am the toy maker.”

Lisa laughed nervously “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I want you” said the Bam-Kursh “I want to play with you. I want to make you into my little toy and I needed to know you understood what that meant.”

The colour drained from Lisa’s face “Are you going to kill me?”

“No” said the Bam-Kursh honestly “And today was not about convincing you of anything. I could make you mine without you ever having a chance to say no but consent is kind of a big deal. This is me giving you your first chance to walk away. If I see you again I will start to remake you. I will ask you three more times after tonight if you really want to do this but I worn you it will be harder to say no each time. Of course you can say no at any point, well almost any point but I’m good so don’t count on it. If you have any doubts, act on them. Say no and walk away. I won’t be offended.”

Lisa stared at the Bam-Kursh and mentally parsed the day’s events: The flirting, the toy museum the lecture on barbie dolls and the way the Bam-Kursh had kept looking at her...

“Ah” said Lisa as realisation dawned.

She was skinny and blonde and sitting across from a toy maker who wanted to turn her into a toy and had watched her carefully when she’d listened to the lecture on the origins and history of a toy that was a blonde skinny woman.

Lisa swallowed “Oh okay. So you want to make me into a doll?”

The Bam-Kursh shook her head “I want to bend your will and body to my commands. You will think when I let you, do as I say and if I hurt you you will let me. You will love every single moment of your life as my toy but you will be a commodity, a play thing and unable to complain. I will drug you, I will alter your biology, I will brain wash you. Understand that I am not like my friend the Farsh-nuke, I have no love for my toys, I do not want to care for you. I respect you right now Lisa because you are not yet my toy, the moment you are you will cease to have any rights. You should leave and say no. You should run out of the door.”

Lisa nodded in agreement “I should. I really should.”

The waiter arrived and the Bam-Kursh asked for the bill.

Lisa said “So if I am okay with this, okay with being your toy, I phone this number.”

“Yes” said the Bam-Kursh “I will find you and I will remake you.”

“And I will have three more prompts to go?” clarified Lisa.

“Yes” said the Bam-Kursh. “But if you ask for me it’s probably already too late for you.”

“Okay” said Lisa and she put the business card in her purse took a cab home with the Bam-Kursh.


Lisa never saw the Bam-Kursh from that point onwards. University gave her hope and deadlines and friends. It kept her distracted, gave her a life to live. So Lisa lived, she worked hard, played hard and graduated with a 2:2. Then reality hit. ‘Just get a job!’ was the mantra. Well Lisa just couldn’t get a job and her family needed the money.

So Lisa lay awake at night thinking about the offer the Bam-Kursh had given her. Lisa was a fly that had been asked to land in a spider’s web. Of course she’d said no at the time, she wasn’t stupid but curiosity works its way quietly and there was an incentive to say yes. The Bam-Kursh had money and she would offer Lisa three chances to turn back. The danger of course was the knowledge that once the Bam-Kursh started having her way with Lisa it would be harder to say no.

This was asking the devil for a favour. No, this was worse. The devil paid for his goods. To the Bam-Kursh Lisa was a tree being asked to willingly enter a lumber yard and there would be no payment because why pay the product. And yet three chances?

That worked away in Lisa’s subconscious as benefits became the way to live and then they were stopped. A Benefit Sanction because an email hadn’t arrived and Lisa hadn’t known she needed to be somewhere. She pulled out the business card and dialed the number.


The Bam-Kursh stepped out of the shadows, regal as ever.

It was 4am and Lisa was in a nightie.

Lisa’s mouth dropped open in shock “What are you doing here? How can you be here?”

The Bam-Kursh smiled “My dear I can do many things that will surprise you and as we have established, I do not care for your rights. I am not a nice person, Lisa Watkins.”

Lisa studied the Bam-Kursh “This is you being kind isn’t it? Warning me away, well I have no choice.”

“I know” said the Bam-Kursh, surveying Lisa’s room. All the shelves with dolls and computery things. “Lets be honest. I’m good at what I do, I do not offer my toys a chance to walk away if I’m not certain they will walk into my arms willingly later. This is a calculated ballet to make my job easier.”

Lisa swallowed “Do I have any free will or choice over what happens?”

“Yes” said the Bam-Kursh simply “And that’s why you will be worth so much when I’m done with you.”

Lisa shuddered.

The Bam-Kursh nodded at Lisa’s understanding of the situation “So let me guess you graduated university and found that a recession caused by neoliberal politics is not a fun place to be when your family is poor and the benefits system is a death trap?”

“Pretty much” said Lisa with a shrug.

“And you think that I offer you a chance?” said the Bam-Kursh “You do realise the dangerous game you are playing?”

Lisa nodded solemnly “I am walking willingly into your parlor.”

“Indeed” said the Bam-Kursh “I will help you and your family out though. Enough money will be transferred into your bank accounts for everyone to live comfortably.”

Then the Bam-Kursh pulled a typed up note from a pocket and handed it to Lisa “Find me there tomorrow and we can begin to remake you. You don’t have to come of course but you will. You’ve still got your three chances and you’re curious”

Lisa accepted the note and read it when she looked back the Bam-Kursh had gone.


The next morning Lisa walked into town and checked out her bank account at an ATM then she caught a train into London.

The Bam-Kursh’s apartment looked innocuous enough so Lisa rang the doorbell.

The Bam-Kursh answered immediately.

“You came?” she said, surprised.

Lisa shrugged “For that much money? Yeah, I came.”

“Well come in, come in” said the Bam-Kursh and she led the way inside.

There was a short corridor lined with gold clubs, umbrellas and cricket bats and then there was a large empty room with a large storage chest against one side of the room. An elegant and ornate double bed further up, several free standing clothes racks filled with outfits and a large white table covered in plastic sheeting.

On the other side of the room was a kitchen, a laboratory lined with beakers and complex equipment and then a mushroom shaped seven sided console.

“Interesting place you’ve got here” said Lisa

“You live here now” said the Bam-Kursh “So I’m glad you like it. The left side of the room is your side, the right side is my side.”

Lisa studied the left side of the room with fresh interest as the Bam-Kursh explained “The bed and wardrobe is obvious but the chest is your destiny. If I have done my job correctly there will be a day when you walk in that door, I beat you until I get tired and throw you into that chest and you will gladly lay where I throw you.”

Lisa swallowed.

The Bam-Kursh indicated the table and said “That is for when I want to pull you apart. You won’t die of course and you’ll like what I do but it is imperative that you understand the kind of woman I am and the kind of life you will lead.”

Lisa nodded “Well thank you for the honesty.”

“Now before I get down to the meat of today I think I need to show you something.” said the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa shrugged, she doubted anything could surprise her now.

The Bam-Kursh headed over to the console. “This apartment, Lisa, is a ship, it can travel time, space and the multiverse and now we are going to make you fall in love with the man who broke your heart and left you vulnerable to my invitation of dinner.”

Lisa was stunned “You can’t be serious.”

“I need to demonstrate my power to you and what better way to ensure he falls for you than have you declare your undying live and loyalty to him.” said the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa stared at her “I can’t.”

The Bam-Kursh shrugged “For now you have agency you can say no.”

There was a loud Bong! and the Bam-Kursh pulled a lever, making the apartment door swing open.

Lisa heard dubstep and approached the open door, it was dark and loud and everyone was drinking or coming on to people.

Lisa entered the club, how could she not? It was a miracle.

Lisa walked through the club in a daze until she saw her ex, still so young.

She found herself staring.

He caught her eye and started to make his way towards her.

Lisa froze she didn’t know what to do. She hated this man. He had broke her heart. Except if the Bam-Kursh was to be believed he hadn’t yet. He was still the man Lisa had fallen in love with.

He found her and took her hands “Do I know you?”

“No” said Lisa “I-I’m not supposed to be here. We haven’t met but-” Lisa stared at his face, at those lips and sighed. Fuck it. “This is crazy and I probably won’t remember this but I have such a massive crush on you and if you remember this come find me and ask me out.”

And then she kissed him on the lips.

“Oh” he said “Well I think we can do better than that”

He gently pulled Lisa close and they embraced each other as they started snogging.

Then Lisa broke off “Probably better stop there. Alcohol you know?”

“Good point” said her ex.

Lisa strode off back to the Bam-Kursh, knowing that he would be watching her arse as she walked away.

Lisa entered and shut the door behind her.

“Strip” said the Bam-Kursh experimentally.

Lisa shrugged off her jacket then started undoing the buckle on her belt before she caught herself and asked “Why?”

“Just testing” said the Bam-Kursh with a smile “I didn’t seriously expect you to obey me but it pleases me that you did.

Lisa bent down to pick up her jacket then frown and left it. The Bam-Kursh didn’t care.

Lisa said “Okay, so you can travel in time. What next?”

“I want to run some tests, take measurements, collect samples, that kind of thing” said the Bam-Kursh.

“Okay” said Lisa “I can do that but no messing me about yeah? No injecting me with shit?”

“Not today” said the Bam-Kursh “I need to collect data first before I can make any of that.”

Lisa nodded “Okay, I get that. I’m cool with that.”

The Bam-Kursh headed over to her laboratory as she said “You know you can stop saying okay, right? There are other words.”

“Okay” said Lisa and she followed the Bam-Kursh over to the laboratory.

The Bam-Kursh opened a clear plastic bag and slipped some of Lisa’s hair inside before cutting it and sealing the bag.

Lisa asked “So what are you going to do with this stuff?”

The Bam-Kursh held up a swab with her right hand and grabbed lisa’s face with hrer left hand “Say Ah”

Lisa opened her mouth.

The Bam-Kursh proceeded wipe the cotton swab around the inside of her mouth “I’m going to sequence your dna so I can target drugs to rewrite it as I see fit and of course if I am happy with the finished toy I may want to mass produce you. I’m getting skin, hair and muscle samples so I can grow it in the lab and experiment on it.”

The Bam-Kursh dropped the swab into a special test tube filled with liquid then followed the same process with another 6 swabs. “The measurements are so I know what size you clothes should be and the rough dimensions of the packaging if I do mass produce you.”

Lisa let the Bam-Kursh finish swabbing then she asked “Do I get any say?”

“Of course” said the Bam-Kursh as she took Lisa’s blood pressure “But if I’ve done my job right you will agree with everything I say. There is always an outside chance that you’ll say no and walk away and I factor that into my calculations and you should always be very enthusiastic with whatever I plan.”

Lisa couldn’t get her head around the concept “So I will love everything you’re going to do but that’s a problem because you’re ensuring that I love everything you’re going to do?”

The Bam-Kursh noted down Lisa’s blood pressure then readied a herself to take Lisa’s blood “Everything I am doing is calculated to make you utterly willing. I have studied you, spied on you and I am using you. I seem nice and convivial because that’s what people do and that’s how I get you to be so willing but please do not mistake me for some grand philanthopist. Now I’m going to take your blood so you might want to look away.”

The Bam-Kursh inserted a needle into a vein in Lisa’s left arm. Some plasters were attached to hold the needle in place and the Bam-Kursh filled up 6 test tubes with Lisa’s blood.

Lisa watched silently then asked “Does it really matter why or how you’re doing this if I’m going to enjoy this? I mean the alternative is dying a lonely death of starvation and poverty.”

The Bam-Kursh stopped and stood up straight so she could look Lisa in the eye “If that is why you are doing this then things need to change. I want you to really want to do this, not to do it because the government scares you more than me.”

Lisa said “I thought you didn’t care what I thought?”

“I don’t” said the Bam-Kursh as she fetched a scalpel, a plaster and a couple of petri dishes “I care about the product and the product is best if you are earnestly willing. We’re going to have to get you a job.”

The Bam-Kursh grabbed hold of Lisa’s right arm, carefully removed a small section of skin and placed it in one petri dish then she sliced of a part of the muscle in her arm and put it in the other petri dish, then she applied a plaster to the wound on Lisa’s arm and set about storing the skin and muscle cell samples to be grown later.

Lisa said “You’re going to get me a job? How?”

“I’m turning you into a toy, getting you a job is infinitely easier and besides it won’t be for long. What’s your dream job?” said the Bam-Kursh as she emerged with measuring tape and proceeded to take down Lisa’s height, bust size and so on.

“Well if you must know, city planner. I want to design the city off the future.” said Lisa.

The Bam-Kursh sighed as she took notes of the measurements “That is really quite a smart profession to want to go into. I’m almost envious. Might have to keep note of that. You could be very handy if I ever decide to take over the world.”

Lisa snorted in astonishment “That’s not seriously something you do is it?”

The Bam-Kursh shrugged as she measured Lisa’s neck size “I’ve thought about it and I bet I’d be quite a good empress. So many worlds are crying out for a strong state to regulate capitalism and care for the poor. I could do that..”

Lisa frowned “I was nearly on board with being your toy for a moment there but now I know you want to take over the world...?”

“Good.” said the Bam-Kursh, packing away the tape “Consider this your first warning. Go away. You’ve got money now. You’ll have a job. Live your life Lisa and forget about me. Forget about the strange woman who wants to turn you into a toy.”

Lisa nodded “Okay. I think you’re right. If I don’t call you or visit, don’t be upset.”

“GO!!!” bellowed the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa ran out the apartment, pausing only to pick up her discarded jacket on the way out.


Lisa returned home and lived off the money in her bank account for a week and then she recieved a phone call offering her an interview for a job as architect of a new council estate. Lisa threw herself into her work and saw the project to fruition but when she did she realised something.

It was 4am and she was staggering through town with her mates to celebrate after a night of drinking, they passed a kebab joint and Lisa’s belly grumbled so they got kebabs and stayed drinking until they passed out at Lisa’s mate’s.

Lisa woke up the next day feeling like shit and stared at the kebab wrapper and realised this was her future, late nights and shitty kebabs at 4am until some nice man marries her and she decides to settle down in the country and have kids and then a pension and retirement cruises and it all sounded so boring.

She wanted it, or at least she had been told by society that this was what people wanted, but it didn’t excite her, it didn’t thrill her. It was good work that she enjoyed and it wasn’t a bad life but as she stared at that kebab wrapper she remembered the Bam-Kursh.

How this strange looking woman had stepped out of the shadows when she’d been crying, invited her to dinner and gave her money for kebabs. How the Bam-Kursh had used her to make her ex ask her out just so the Bam-Kursh could sweep along and be her enigmatic saviour.

That confidence, that swagger, that edge of danger. In the Bam-Kursh’s mind Lisa was already her toy. She offered Lisa choices and respected her free will and feelings but it felt like a nerd coaxing a computer to load, worm and emotion hiding cold knowledge.

The hair stood up on the back of Lisa’s neck as she thought about the Bam-Kursh, that power and intense belief that Lisa would in time be absolutely willing to do anything the Bam-Kursh wanted. What was it she’d said? That one day Lisa would be happy to walk through the door be beaten up stripped and thrown? That the Bam-Kursh would dissect Lisa for fun and Lisa would enjoy it. This was so sick and so fucked up but the Bam-Kursh was so confident. It scared her and thrilled her. That this person could have so much power over her. She would return to work and everything would be okay, she could settle down and have kids.


The Bam-Kursh answered the door “What kept you?”

Lisa laughed “May I come in?”

“Of course” said the Bam-Kursh as she led Lisa inside.

Lisa studied the weapons as she walked down the hallway and knew that she was heading down the path that would see them used against her and it thrilled her.

“So I was thinking this is a multiverse ship right? You’ve already travelled in time so I believe you and means there will always be a universe where I continue my job as a city planner and get 2.4 children and a house in the country and there will always be a universe where I become your toy.” said Lisa

The Bam-Kursh nodded “Tea or coffee?”

“Coffee” said Lisa “Black”

The Bam-Kursh headed to the kitchen and started making coffee.

Lisa followed and said “I figure I want to live my dream of being a city planner and I will and I know what that’s like but I don’t know what it’s like to become your toy and I’d like to because goddamnit you make me feel alive and so fucking what if I’m not living a normal life. I want to know how I become your toy and if I’m going to be happy what’s the problem?”

The Bam-Kursh handed Lisa a mug of coffee with a smug smile on her face.

Lisa grinned “So what happens? How do I become yours?”

The Bam-Kursh took her tea over to the bed.

Lisa followed.

They sat down on on the bed and Lisa sipped her coffee

The Bam-Kursh said “We need to establish trust and control. You will come in time to instinctively obey me without question but first you need to give me control.”

Lisa nodded “Like how?”

“Like I will ask you a series of questions and you will consent without question.” said the Bam-Kursh “It’s okay to say no if you are uncomfortable but the important thing is that we establish a record of obedience.”

Lisa frowned “I thought you’d - I don’t know - seduce me into obedience.”

The Bam-Kursh laughed “My friend is very fond of that method and it is because of it that he frequently ends up a moralist. I need you to calmly decide that obeying me is what you want to do first.”

Lisa downed her coffee and said “Okay, what shall I do first?”

The Bam-Kursh pulled a tennis ball out of her pocket and threw it at the chest “Fetch”

Lisa snorted “At once, Mistress” and returned with the ball.

The Bam-Kursh was standing now, her drained cup on the bedside table, she accepted the tennis ball and pocketed it.

“Remove your shoes and socks.” said the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa raised her eyebrows but she sat on the bed, undid her shoelaces, pulled off her shoes and her socks then she stood before the Bam-Kursh “What now?”

The Bam-Kursh smiled “I would like to strip you naked.”

Lisa smiled knowingly “I am yours to unwrap.”

The Bam-Kursh snorted and removed Lisa’s jacket.

Lisa’s shirt was pulled off next then her bra was removed.

The Bam-Kursh’s hands unbuckled Lisa’s belt and unbuttoned her jeans. Her finger and thumb paused on the zip.

Lisa looked the Bam-Kursh in the eyes and nodded her on.

The hairs were standing up on the back of Lisa’s and she felt butterflies of excitement and fear.

The Bam-Kursh smiled and pulled the zip down. She slid the jeans down Lisa’s arse and they fell to the floor. She grabbed Lisa’s underwear.

Lisa was quavering with excitement now.

The Bam-Kursh pull Lisa’s knickers down her arse and let them drop on the floor.

Lisa kicked the trousers and knickers away from her feet “Do you like what you see?”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “I chose you very deliberately, Lisa. I am pleased to see that my judgement was sound. Now stay here, I have to get something.”

Lisa nodded.

The Bam-Kursh returned with a cricket bat and a golf club.

Lisa stared at the sports implements and swallowed.

The Bam-Kursh said “I want to hit you. Once in the face. Once in the arse. You’re perfectly safe, I’m not about to let you die when I’ve not even made you into a toy but it will hurt, a lot. Are you okay with this?”

Lisa swallowed “I trust you.”

The Bam-Kursh smiled “Thank you.”

The Bam-Kursh raised the golf club before Lisa and pulled back.

She swung with ferocity and Lisa blinked.

The club stopped an inch before Lisa’s face then lightly booped her nose.

Lisa breathed a sigh of relief then swore as the cricket bat smacked into her arse and launched her into the footboard of the double bed.

Lisa panted and swore.

The Bam-Kursh stroked Lisa’s back “Well done, I’m proud of you.”

Lisa stood up “Don’t do again that until you’ve messed with my capacity to feel pain okay?”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “That was very brave and don’t worry I think I should be able to start messing with your body tomorrow. For now I have one last request?”

Lisa looked the Bam-Kursh in the eye, she was still in pain and there had been a sense of escalation to the requests. If the Bam-Kursh had anything else planned Lisa wanted her to have to look Lisa in the eye to ask for it. “Go ahead.”

“I want you to climb into the toy box and stay there until I let you out.” said the Bam-Kursh “There won’t be a lock on it but I want you to pack yourself away and wait for my return.”

Lisa laughed “That’s all?”

“That’s all” said the Bam-Kursh

Lisa grinned as she opened the box and climbed inside.

She lay down inside the box and the Bam-Kursh said “Sweet dreams, Lisa. I’ll be back in a bit.”

The lid closed and now Lisa understood that this was indeed escalation. Lying awake in something not much bigger than a coffin with no light and nothing to do.


Lisa felt pressure on her left cheek, stroking, and a voice said softly “Hey sleepy head, time to come out of the toy box.”

Lisa opened her eyes and looked up at the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa smiled “Hey, you’re back”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “And you have been a good little toy haven’t you my dear but come on, I’m buying you lunch.”

Lisa nodded and tried to move but her body ached and felt sluggish.

The Bam-Kursh understood and pulled Lisa up into a sitting position.

Lisa blinked and shook her head and arms to clear the groggyness.

Lisa climbed to her feet and said “So do I go like this? Or...?”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled and handed her a bag. “Put those on”

Lisa said “So are you going to watch me? Or?”

The Bam-Kursh was still chuckling as she strode off and explained “You aren’t the only toy I came here to get.”

Lisa got dressed in the emerald green bikini, pink skirt, crop top and flip flops, then she climbed out of the toy box and headed off after the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa found the Bam-Kursh with her head in the cupboard “Umm what’s this?”

The Bam-Kursh backed out of the cupboard and turned to see Lisa holding a collar. “Oh, oh that’s right. You don’t know do you?”

Lisa stared at her “Know what?”

“Well my friend, he uh, he’s sort of powerful. Like his followers are protecting the multiverse and now there’s this thing called the United Civilisations of the Multiverse-” said the Bam-Kursh.

“Your friend being the knot that wanted to look after people?” said Lisa

“Well yes but he does that by keeping them as pets.” said the Bam-Kursh “They’re actually recognised as a different species. They’re called sylphs and they get all these rights.”

“Ah” said Lisa, frowning.

The Bam-Kursh nodded and stroked Lisa’s cheek “What I’m doing to you is sort off against interuniversal law.”

Lisa said “But I’m a consenting adult.”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled and kissed Lisa’s forehead “You’re wonderful but you’re mine and that is very much illegal. That collar is so they’ll think you’re my sylph.”

Lisa frowned “Being your toy is illegal?”

“Yes, at least the way I want you to be is.” said the Bam-Kursh and then she secured the collar round Lisa’s neck.

Lisa was silent after that. The knowledge that this woman’s behaviour was illegal in the multiverse that some would see her as a victim was troubling.

The Bam-Kursh found was she needed and said “Stick close to me and obey only me understand. I know you’re feeling very malleable and that’s good. I was to remake uyou but you are mine and mine alone to remake.”

With that Lisa followed the Bam-Kursh out of the door.


The restaurant was posh and seemingly candlelit but far too bright for that. Lisa saw cyborg sharks and cat people and Spielberg type dinosaurs in dinner jackets, spiders the size of cars, Octopus men and a lot of women wearing collars.

The human waiter asked for their drinks. The Bam-Kursh ordered champagne.

Lisa asked “What are all these things?”

The Bam-Kursh glared at her “You are a thing, these are people.”

Lisa frowned “Okay, I’m sorry, who are these people?”

The Bam-Kursh sighed “The sharks are Charicthy, they owe their ability to walk on land and communicate to the Ooblopnick, the Octopus men. The Cat People are Felis Sapiens, don’t think about how they came about. The dinosaurs are Humana Lacertae and they have a very complex class based society, you’d fit in well there. The spiders are Arachnoforms and yes they are every bit as terrifying as they look and the women wearing collars are Sylphs.”

The waiter bought over the menu.

The Bam-Kursh said “She’ll have the chicken salad and jacket potato. I’ll have the steak.”

The waiter nodded then looked to Lisa.

Lisa shrugged “She’s the boss.”

The waiter nodded and left.

The Bam-Kursh grinned and poured the champagne into the provided glasses. “A toast to you, my dear.”

Lisa accepted the glass of champagne and asked “What for?”

“No one has accepted my command so readily. No one has ever stayed in the toybox. You’re ready.” said the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa grinned “So I’m your toy now?”

“Not yet but your mind is” said the Bam-Kursh and then she pulled out a strange looking gun “To that end, I want a back up of it. Just grab the handle and press record.”

Lisa naturally did as the Bam-Kursh said and asked “So what will you do once you’re done with me?”

The Bam-Kursh thought for a second then said “I think I want to build up a product line then bring it to market.”

“I thought you said this was illegal?” said Lisa

The Bam-Kursh nodded “But I have my eyes on a prize that will let me get away with this and that’s actually why we’re here. You are my proof of concept.”

The gun binged.

“You’re backed up.” said the Bam-Kursh with a smile.

Lisa smiled “I’m glad you’re happy.”

The Bam-Kursh stroked Lisa’s face “I really think I am going to have to keep you, you know.”

Lisa frowned “Well what else were you going to do with me?”

The Bam-Kursh shrugged “Sell you.”

Lisa glared at her.

The Bam-Kursh laughed “You’re a toy. I make you but you were always going to be sold to someone else.”

Lisa fell silent, sulking.

The Bam-Kursh sighed and sipped her champagne.

The waiter arrived with the food.

The Bam-Kursh had a massive plate of steak, chips, side salad and sauces.

Lisa’s plate was more modest and she finished swiftly.

She sat looking at the Bam-Kursh as she ate and wondered idly if toys did eat. Did toys even live or what the Bam-Kursh going to stuff her?

A tall blond woman in a three piece suit and a cyborg shark walked past.

“Lucy Danse!” called the Bam-Kursh amid her eating.

The tall woman stopped at the table “Yes”

The Bam-Kursh wiped her mouth clean with a serviette “My name is the Bam-Kursh and I am here to offer you a deal.”

The tall woman stared at the mad woman in victorian dress.

The cyborg shark gave the girl in easy to remove clothing a worried look and advised “Lucy, I don’t like this, his pet is like you.”

Lucy looked at the girl too now and said “It’s okay, Greta. The Bam-Kursh won’t try anything. I’m too important.” Then Lucy looked to the Bam-Kursh again “So what’s this deal?”

“Take a seat” said the Bam-Kursh.

Lucy nodded and pulled up a chair beside Lisa.

Greta pulled up a chair beside the Bam-Kursh.

The Bam-Kursh gestured to Lisa “I have product I want to sell and I want more product.”

Lucy studied Lisa and stroked her back “Yes, I thought she didn’t look like a typical sylph. She’s too stiff and the collar doesn’t look right on her.”

“That’s because she isn’t a sylph” said the Bam-Kursh “For now she is one hundred percent human but her mind is mine. Tomorrow I make the biological alterations but you can see that she is entirely consenting. This is what I do Lucy. I make people into toys.”

“And what are you offering in return?” asked Lucy.

“Me” said the Bam-Kursh “The Farsh-nuke is a fearsome weapon but his morality and libido holds him back. He is fueled by lust and rage. I am cold. I understand from a logical point of view that people are living and sentient, that they deserve to be treated with respect and looked after but I have no morality. I have no rage, well no I do but it’s reserved for him.”

“So what are you suggesting?” asked Lucy “That I throw you on the frontlines?”

“No” said the Bam-Kursh “The Septagonoids could corrupt me far easier than they could corrupt the Farsh-nuke. I’m saying let me grow the United Civilisations of the Multiverse. Let me be your Napoleon.”

Lucy stared at him “I know my Earth history Bam-Kursh, I’m not letting you be Emperor.”

The Bam-Kursh grinned “But I could be so useful to you don’t you think? Empires rise and fall, Emperors get assassinated. What matters is that you win the war then have enough strength give the Logicios enough of a kicking that they stop being arseholes. I can help you do that and as I say I just want to be able to sell my goods. Try her out if you don’t believe me.”

Lucy grinned “Okay, if she’s as willing as you say then we might turn a blind eye.”

The hairs stood up on the back of Lisa’s neck.

“Be gentle with her” said the Bam-Kursh with a note of warning in her voice “She’s almost ready to hit the market. Don’t break her.”

Greta laughed “You should be careful that we don’t break you.”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled and went back to eating her steak.

Lisa rose from her seat and walked away from Lucy and Greta.

Lucy and Greta found a table for two out of the way but still in sight of the Bam-Kursh.

Lucy whispered in Lisa’s ear “We can talk freely but this needs to look legit. Sit on the table and trust me.”

Lisa backed onto the table and said “What do you want to talk about?”

Lucy lifted up Lisa’s left arm and made a show of examining it as she explained “I’m a sylph, I am no stranger to the elder gods. That thing sitting at the table is not human. It has no sense of internal morality. The Farsh-nuke hates the Bam-Kursh for its immorality. It is not good.”

Lisa said “And your point is? I’m her toy. I know its strange but that’s why I’m doing this. Live a life less ordinary you know.”

Greta hissed “The Bam-Kursh may well be treating you with respect now but that is because you are still human, you break easily. The moment you are fully converted the Bam-Kursh will see no value in you.”

“I know” said Lisa “She’s going to beat me up and throw me around like a ragdoll and pull me apart for fun. And I am going to love it.”

Lucy said “I’m going to turn you over now okay?”

Lisa said “You don’t have to ask me for permission you know?”

Lucy rolled her eyes and lay Lisa flat on her back then rolled her over. She made a show of lifting up her clothes to take a better look at Lisa “The Bam-Kursh is going to mass produce and sell you. You will cease to be a person and will be legally property. You won’t have any rights.”

Lisa said “Give me rights then. I’m her proof of concept to convince you to let her bring me to market. You can be my advocate, make sure I am protected as you would like me to be.”

Lucy said “I have 2 wars to coordinate. I don’t have time to legislate on toy rights.”

Lisa said “Then approve the deal, let the Bam-Kursh do what she wants with me.”

Lucy rolled Lisa back onto her belly and said “You arguing to deny your own agency.”

Lisa said “I’m hers. If she wants to deny me agency, I trust her.”

Lucy glared at Greta “Well I think you have certainly provided proof of concept Lisa. Now before we deliver you to your mistress I would like a picture with you.”

Lisa grinned “I would be happy to.”

Lucy laughed “Come on, off the table.”

Lisa pulled herself off the table and Lisa got up to stand beside her.

Greta pulled out her phone and ssnapped off a couple of flashes.

“Get the drinks in” said Lucy and she walked back to the Bam-Kursh with Lisa.

The Bam-Kursh ate the last of her steak as they approached.

“You’ve certainly done an impressive job with Lisa here and she is very beautiful, she’ll make an excellent collector’s item.” said Lucy.

Lisa grinned.

The Bam-Kursh wiped her mouth clean and said “I’m glad you approve.”

“I am afraid however that I cannot let you work without oversight.” said Lucy “You may finish your work with this one but you cannot mass produce her until I have sent someone to meet with you regarding the finer legal details”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “That is fair. You know I had all sorts of backup plans laid out in case you decided to try and stop me.”

“I know” said Lucy and she put an arm around Lisa protectively “This one thinks she has free will but if she ever tried to do anything you disapprove of you would make her change her mind.”

The Bam-Kursh grinned “How very astute of you? The mind binds us more thoroughly than any prison, Lisa wants to obey and thus no bindings could alter that. I wonder if someday you and I might...?”

Lucy laughed “Take your toy and go. I am technically the Unleasher you know?”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled and rose from her seat “Settle the bill for me won’t you?”

With that the Bam-Kursh walked off and Lisa followed.

When they were back in the apartment the Bam-Kursh turned to Lisa and said “Now honey, you have been very good to me and I want dearly for us to continue our work on you.”

The Bam-Kursh squeezed Lisa’s hands compassionately “You are so beautiful and so sweet and so very obedient but it is time for us to say goodbye. When I next see you I will drug you. This is your second chance to turn away. I suggest you take it because the next chance I give you will be almost too late. Say goodbye Lisa. One way or another the human will be gone when we next meet.”

Lisa nodded “I understand, I will say goodbye Bam-Kursh. Until we meet again.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “Until we meet again.”

The Bam-Kursh went to the console and after a few moments the apartment door swung open to real busy London.

Lisa stood framed in the door way and felt nervous about returning to the outside world again.

The Bam-Kursh placed Lisa’s jacket about her shoulders “Remember, you obey only me and you are only my toy, let others think you are still a person.”

Lisa felt stronger at those words.

The Bam-Kursh handed Lisa her shoes and socks. “Now go.”

Lisa nodded and strode out the door into London.


Lisa felt weird as she walked through London. She didn’t feel human anymore. She felt like at any moment she could be carried away and taken away from her life. That she was weak and vulnerable. This was naturally true but London was a place where it didn’t matter how you looked or felt, people would leave you alone at least so long as you stuck to the crowds.

Lisa made it to Waterloo Station alright and managed to catch a train home, except it didn’t feel like home, not anymore. The Bam-Kursh had said goodbye to her and Lisa could certainly go back to her old life. She was still human, she still had money and a good job and she knew now that what the Bam-Kursh was doing to her was very definitely illegal but they both knew that Lisa wasn’t being sent back home to say goodbye to the Bam-Kursh.

She was committed now, whatever the future held, however dark it got, Lisa had picked her path. She was going to be a toy and while she was still human, while she could still think for herself and act independently of supervision she would say goodbye to her family and friends.

She decided suicide made the most sense as a way to bring closure to her family and friends so she wrote letters for everyone and made sure to spend one last happy day with everyone whilst also seeding the signs that would be backed up by her suicide note and letters. They had to be able to grieve and move on with their lives, however much it hurt.

There was one friend Lisa decided to tell the truth to though...


Lisa turned up at her work, she was working at a pub. She wasn’t smoking anymore and the highlights were gone from her hair but she was just as tall and weather beaten as Lisa remembered, only she was happier.

Lisa said “I’ll have a vodka and coke please.”

She turned to address Lisa and gasped “I haven’t seen you since university?”

“It’s been a while, Nicky” said Lisa “And I’ve got quite the story to tell you.”

Nicky nodded and slid the vodka and coke to Lisa “It’s on the house, well on me actually but I am not turning you away. My shift end in half an hour, think you can wait?”

Lisa laughed, remembering the hours in the dark of the Bam-Kursh’s toybox “I think I can manage.”

Nicky smiled “Well I’m glad to see you again.”

Lisa nodded and smiled then she found a seat and watched the punters go by. This was the last loose end of Lisa’s life to tie up, assuming of course that the Bam-Kursh finished the job and didn’t chicken out at the last minute. It was nice to see where her old friend worked, to see her in action, she seemed happy. Lisa liked that.

Nicky stopped by with a plate of chips “You look thin as a rake, eat.”

Lisa laughed picked up a chip and stared up at Nicky “You’re amazing you know that?” and then she at the chip.

Nicky smirked and went back to the job.

Lisa demolished the plate of chips and it was empty by the time Nicky finished her shift.

“Do you have any plans?” asked Lisa

“None that can’t be moved for you” said Nicky.

Lisa grinned and led the way out of the pub “I’ve got somewhere I want to go, fill me in on what I’ve missed.”

Nicky shrugged and followed Lisa as she started talking.


Lisa heard about how Nicky had scraped through with a third in graphic design, done some tefl and failed to get her art off the ground but then she met this artist who worked in a pub and they had a brief fling that ended when the artist got fired for doing weed. That had been what gave Nicky the impetus to get clean and she’d been working at the pub for months now and felt like she’d found a decent way to get by.

“It’s a hard life, but a good one” said Nicky as they approached a kebab shop.

“This is on me” said Lisa.

Nicky laughed and they left with a kebab and chips each.

“I don’t know why I let you talk me into this” said Nicky as she picked at her kebab with a plastic fork “I am not drunk enough for a kebab.”

Lisa smirked then said “I got us kebabs to remind you of one night and it is very important because since I last saw you I have been through some hard times only to land a windfall and get my dream job and tomorrow I will be missing presumed dead and I need someone to find the suicide note and letters I have left for everyone.”

Nicky stopped in her tracks and glared at Lisa “What did you just say!?”

Lisa sighed and turned back to Nicky “I’m not actually going to die but what is going to happen to me is so mad that noone will believe it and I have to let them know that I am not coming back.”

Nicky stared into Lisa’s soul as she demanded “EXPLAIN! NOW!”

Lisa glared at Nicky “Well of course”

Nicky was cowed “I just care about you is all”

Lisa nodded, understanding “It’s okay but keep walking.”

Nicky nodded “Okay but start talking”

Nicky started walking again.

Lisa explained “I met this woman, you were there when I did. She’s called the Bam-Kursh and she is on a whole other level. This is some chariots of the gods shit. Like she and her best friend are humanish now but they used to be these god like entities that defy physics. She has a ship that can travel in time and through the multiverse. And she makes toys, that’s her hobby and she also likes to take over worlds but the important bit is that she makes toys. She finds people and manipulates them into being her willing playthings and then she does things to them and she sells them.”

Nicky shook her head in disbelief “So is this woman someone you met online that you’re only just meeting in person tomorrow or...?”

“I travelled in time and snogged Steve so he would fall in love with me and thereby cause me to be heartbroken and vulnerable ready for the Bam-Kursh to come along and sweep me off my feet.” said Lisa

Lisa stopped walking and Nicky did the same, she remembered the club and that streetlamp but why?

Lisa continued “She took me round a toy expedition and made me endure a lecture on the history of barbie dolls and that’s when she explained who she is and that she wants to turn me into a toy. Naturally I avoided her after that but times got tough and I knew I had three big chances to go so I phoned her up and turned up for well I didn’t know what and that’s when I travelled in time I got the big windfall and landed the dream job. She wanted me keen, not desperate.”

“And what changed?” asked Nicky “What makes you say “Yeah I’m going to be that strange woman’s toy”?”

Lisa shrugged “Boredom and curiosity. I had to know and now...”

Nicky stared at her “So now what? You’re going to run away and become a toy?”

Lisa sighed “I already am, in here” she tapped the side of her head with the index finger of her right hand “I’m just waiting for the Bam-Kursh to make the biological changes.”

“Biological changes?” asked Nicky

Lisa shrugged “I don’t know. I suppose I don’t need to but for what I can gather I’ll need a good bit of resilience and healing because I am really going to be a toy and the Bam-Kursh has made it very clear that once I am fully transformed she will treat me as we tret our toys.”

Nicky laughed “I used to decapitate my sister’s barbies”

Lisa nodded.

Nicky stared at her “And you’re going with this woman?”

Lisa grinned “It’s going to be fun.”

The penny dropped and Nicky turned to look at the street lamp and backed up against the wall as she remembered seeing the Bam-Kursh that night “She asked you out for dinner didn’t she?”

Lisa nodded “It was good food.”

Nicky laughed “I was so jealous.”

Lisa stared at her “I knew it.”

Nicky blushed and fumbled a recovery “Umm I mean I um was jealous of seeing the sights...”

“With a woman who turns people into toys?” said Lisa with a smirk “I could always let her know if you’re interested? We could be sold as a pair.”

Nicky swallowed “Oh god Lisa if this is my last chance to say it I’ve got to.”

Lisa nodded “I know, it’s okay.”

Nicky looked Lisa in the eyes and said “Lisa Watkins, I have fancied you from the moment I set eyes upon you and you are the kindest, sweetest most endearing woman I have ever had the good fortune to know.”

Lisa kissed Nicky on the cheek.

Nicky stared at her, relishing the sensation of Lisa’s lips upon her cheek.

Lisa said “I am a toy now, Nicky, I am very obedient and I have realised that I liked the thrill of transgression. I want you to enjoy me, to show me what I have been missing. We will never see each other after tonight so there is nothing to lose.”

Lisa kissed Nicky on the lips and pulled her close.

Nicky grinned “Lisa, you show me that you are okay you understand? I know you’re a toy but you show me that you’re alright because I swear to god if you actually kill yourself after this...”

Lisa nodded “I understand, I’ll have the Bam-Kursh show off the merchandise.”

Nicky smiled and could hold back no longer. She kissed Lisa.

Lisa kissed back.


Lisa woke up naked in Nicky’s single bed. The room was small and cluttered with dvds and cds, an old laptop lay on a work area to one side. She smelled cooking and went to investigate.

Nicky was busy frying sausages, eggs and bacon.

Lisa said “That smells good.”

“Thanks” said Nicky “I am making you a Full English Breakfast, go have shower, you clothes are in there.”

Lisa nodded “Yes, Maam”

The shower was one of those old fashioned affairs that oscillated between scolding hot and freezing cold but after a moment Lisa found the sweet spot and drenched herself in the hot rain. It felt like she was being reborn. She was sloughing off the skin of Lisa Watkins, architect in training, and becoming something newer, more vital and more alive.

She stepped out of the shower and dried herself off on a towel then she dressed in the clothes. It was what the Bam-Kursh had given her. Flip flops, an emerald green bikini, a pink skirt and a crop top.

She entered the kitchen and Nicky was busy playing up breakfast.

“What’s this for?” asked Lisa.

Nicky said “A last supper for my old friend.”

Lisa didn’t know what to say after that so she just accepted the plate of food and dug in.

Nicky did the washing up while Lisa ate. There was naturally a practical purpose to this but it was also so Lisa didn’t feel awkward about Nicky not affording a similar breakfast for herself.

When she had washed and dried all the cooking utensils and pans Nicky made herself a mug of tea and Lisa a black coffee. She sat opposite Lisa and watched. It was surreal. She kept thinking “You are going to be reported dead. You are going to become a toy for some intergalactic cowboy. I am sitting here watching my best friend, greatest crush and most amazing fuck wolf down food before becoming a dead toy.”

Lisa noticed Nicky looking at her and asked “What are you thinking?”

Nicky frowned, she had to keep this light, she searched her mind and remembered a thought she had last night “You are an excellent choice to be a toy.”

Lisa blushed and cleaned her plate then she asked sheepishly “You really think so?”

Nicky nodded “You are so beautiful, you are the platonic ideal of the female.”

Lisa giggled “I’m glad you approve.”

Nicky smiled sadly “Why do you think I never had the courage to ask you out?”

Lisa grinned “Oh I don’t know maybe because I’m straight?”

Nicky looked Lisa in the eyes “Really?”

Lisa blushed and looked away “Well I’m sorry it took so long...”

“So am I” said Nicky and then she added “And now you’re going to be a toy? Any idea what that’s going to be like?”

Lisa leaned in close to Nicky and whispered conspiratorially “Complete submission and obedience. I love it. God help me, Nicky, I love pleasing her. I love the way she looks at me. It’s like she wants me with ever fibre of her being but she’s holding herself back. I just want to obey.”

Nicky looked into Lisa’s eyes and she found a great hunger there, deep desire. Nicky puckered her lips and kissed Lisa tentatively.

Lisa kissed back.

Nicky pulled Lisa close and snogged her.

Lisa climbed onto the table and her hands reached to undo Nick’s belt buckle.

Nicky pulled Lisa’s skirt and bikini bottoms free then lifted off her top so Lisa was lying stretched out naked on the table and that’s when Nicky saw it- just for a split second as she stared hungrily at Lisa’s naked body- she saw the proportions of a doll, saw the toy that Lisa was becoming. Where last night it had been almost an aphrodisiac here it struck a chord. Lisa didn’t want to obey Nicky, she didn’t want to have sex with Nicky. She was the Bam-Kursh’s toy, mentally, and that is who she wanted to obey.

Nicky backed away in shock and confusion. This felt wrong.

Lisa put her arms down by her sides and asked “What’s wrong?”

Nicky stammered “Th-This”

Lisa frowned and stared at the ceiling.

Nicky approached the table, approached Lisa, nervously. She stared down at the beautiful woman before her and said simply “You’re not mine to fuck. I see that now.”

Lisa sat up and looked Nicky in the eye “Why do you say that?”

“You belong to the Bam-Kursh” said Nicky and stroked the back of Lisa’s head “You’re her toy and you need to go with her. You’re not meant for this world any more.”

Lisa swallowed “But you’re the only person who knows my secret?”

There were tears welling up in Nicky’s eyes now “And I expect you to come see me when the Bam-Kursh has worked the last of her magic with you. I will hold you to that.”

Lisa grinned and hugged Nicky “You never know, I might be able to convince the Bam-Kursh to give you one of me. Would you like that?”

Nicky pulled away and looked Lisa in the eyes “I don’t want a toy. I want to know that you are safe and happy. Now go on get dressed. I’ll report you missing tomorrow lunch time.”

Lisa nodded and slid off the table so she could get dressed.

When she pulled the crop top over her head, Nicky coughed.

“I found the collar in your jacket pocket” said Nicky.

Lisa turned and accepted the collar.

“I took the liberty of having it engraved, I hope you don’t mind.” said Nicky.

Lisa examined the collar, a dog tag hung from it and engraved on it were the words:

Lisa Watkins
Loving Friend
Amazing Toy

“There’s space on the back for the Bam-Kursh to put her contact details” said Nicky “I mean we don’t know what you’re going to be like as a toy, you might need this.”

Lisa said “It’s beautiful. Thank you.” then she hugged Nicky.

“Here, let me help you.” said Nicky and she secured the collar round Lisa’s neck and brushed her hair “There, you look beautiful.”

Lisa grinned “Look after yourself, yeah?”

Nicky grinned as she handed Lisa her jacket “Oh, I’ll be fine. Enjoy yourself, Lisa. May you be the best and most popular toy.”

They shook hands and Lisa left Nicky’s house.


Lisa rang the doorbell of the Bam-Kursh’s apartment.

The Bam-Kursh answered the door and smiled upon seeing Lisa.

Lisa smiled at the Bam-Kursh.

The Bam-Kursh cleared Lisa’s hair from her face and stroked her cheek “You said Goodbye?”

Lisa nodded.

The Bam-Kursh slid her hand down to the small of Lisa’s back and stood aside let Lisa pass inside.

The Bam-Kursh shut the apartment door and turned to address Lisa “I wasn’t sure you’d actually come.”

Lisa chuckled “I lay naked and alone in the dark for you. I’m yours.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded and approached Lisa “Yes, you really are aren’t you? And so beautiful.”

Lisa blushed.

The Bam-Kursh ran her left hand through Lisa’s hair and grinned “Who is your secret keeper?”

Lisa giggled “Remember outside the club?”

The Bam-Kursh nodded and headed towards the laboratory “How could I forget? It was when I got to swoop in and rescue the damsel in distress.”

Lisa followed and said “Yeah, then. There was a woman with me, she had purple hair then and smoked.”

The Bam-Kursh started rummaging through her laboratory supplies and cupboards “I remember her being quite jealous of me. How did she take the news?”

Lisa grinned “We spent the night together. I think I’m bi now. Anyway I’ve promised her that when you’re done with me you’ll pay her a visit. Show her I’m okay.”

The Bam-Kursh and retrieved what she wanted and turned to look at Lisa “I think I can do that. Be quite nice to show off my handiwork to someone who can spot the difference.”

Lisa asked “Can I get an explanation or is it bad form to tell your product how she’s made?”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled “You really are quite endearing you know?”

Lisa grinned.

The Bam-Kursh coughed and held up a syringe “This will help you heal faster. It will also speed up your metabolism so we don’t have to wait so long for the others to take effect.”

The Bam-Kursh grabbed Lisa’s left arm and held it steady as she injected the solution.

The Bam-Kursh said “Get comfy on the bed, we’ve got quite a few to get through.”

Lisa nodded and approached the bed, she slipped off her flip flops lay down on the bed.

The Bam-Kursh approached with a medical bag. She sat on the other side of the bed and stroked Lisa idly, the way one might stroke a cat.

Lisa asked “What’s the next one then?”

“It’ll make your bones stronger and your teeth whiter and healthier.” said the Bam-Kursh and she injected Lisa with the indicated solution.

“Neat” said Lisa “So what about the head stuff? I mean I know you wanted me keen - and I am-”

The Bam-Kursh interrupted “No one is doubting that you’re keen and want this”

Lisa grinned “Thank you. I just mean well it isn’t usual for toys to be as smart as me is it? I mean what happens with that?”

The Bam-Kursh laughed “I have in here 3 solutions that deal with your mind. The first allows me or any other owner to effectively turn off your mind. You’ll still live, you’ll remain standing or doing whatever it was you were doing but the bit of your brain that is you will be sent into a dreamless sleep.”

Lisa chuckled “Okay I can see the appeal of that.”

The Bam-Kursh said “The second is a carefully designed virus that will shut off the parts of your mind and memory that it would be inconvenient for the product to have.”

Lisa thought for a second “Now that sounds interesting, like what parts?”

The Bam-Kursh frowned “Do you really want to know?”

“I’m interested” said Lisa “I became your toy because I wanted to know what it meant, so start talking.”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled and stroke Lisa’s cheek “Do I detect a hint of self preservation?”

Lisa blushed “I’m sorry”

The Bam-Kursh laughed “It’s alright, I’m joking with you. The solution will render all your knowledge of history, general knowledge and popular culture a distant haze. You won’t remember your family or your friends. All you will remember is that one day you were at university, you ran into me and I convinced you to come with me and now you are a happy little toy. If your owner takes the time to try and teach you, your old memories can come back into focus and in time you can remember who you are but that’s where we get to formula number 3.”

Lisa gave out a long exhale “I can see why it’s needed but I can also see now why this is very much illegal.”

“Have second thoughts?” asked the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa shook her head “I just worry about Nicky, my secret keeper.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “Well don’t forget you will have one last chance to leave me.”

Lisa sighed “Not a chance. Tell me about formula number 3.”

The Bam-Kursh said “Formula number 3 is why I can confidently sell you as a product. You will have complete loyalty and obedience to the first person you set eyes on, no matter what they do.”

Lisa swallowed “I take you aren’t giving me that before you give me my last chance?”

The Bam-Kursh shook her head “You will have those syringes to take home and inject yourself with before you ring the doorbell tomorrow.”

Lisa nodded. “Maybe go back to the ones I’m getting injected with now.”

The Bam-Kursh stroked Lisa’s cheek “It’ll be okay honey, you’ll love it.”

Then the Bam-Kursh reached into her bag and pulled out a syringe “This will still let you identify pain but it will be felt as a deeper richer bitter pleasure.”

Lisa smiled “Oh am so glad I have that”

The Bam-Kursh grinned and injected Lisa with the solution.

“This- ” she said pulling out a different syringe “-will make it that, aside from your hair any part of your body that is cut and removed from the rest will continue to function as if it were connected. I’ve tied in a safety feature to trigger your mind switch off if you spend more than half an hour in a paralysed state.”

Lisa said “Thank you for adding that last bit. That er doesn’t particularly sound fun for me but I guess, it’s necessary if I am to be a toy.”

The Bam-Kursh said “It’s my favourite feature.”

Lisa said “You weren’t the kind of girl who played dress up with your dolls were you?”

The Bam-Kursh shook her head slowly “No, I was someone who saw toys as a way of relieving stress.”

Lisa frowned “But you’re so sweet to me?”

The Bam-Kursh said “I’m good at what I do, doesn’t mean I won’t relish beating you up and pulling you apart.”

Lisa sighed “Fine, inject me.”

The Bam-Kursh injected Lisa.

Lisa asked “So what about needing to breathe, eating, shitting and periods? Can I sweat?”

The Bam-Kursh pulled out a syringe “This will make all those things entirely optional. Periods will effectively stop because you’ll only create a lining for eggs and indeed release eggs if you want to.”

Lisa said “See now that makes me think that I can live happily as your chew toy. Hang on you’re saying toys can have kids but isn’t that like... well... rapey? I mean someone buys me from a shop I am instantly obsessed with them and they can have kids with me? Gosh, if I’m completely obedient! What if - I mean I’m toy right? - and I’m bought for these kids and this skeevy child going through puberty-”

The Bam-Kursh rolled her eyes “Lisa give me some fucking credit yeah? I may be an eldritch abomination possessing the body of a woman and turning you into a toy so I can conquer the multiverse but I draw the line at rape and especially THAT. When it comes to sex you will have agency enough to say no and to consent.”

Lisa breathed a sigh of relief “Well thank god but why can I have children if I’m a toy?”

The Bam-Kursh laughed “Because I am not blind to the reality that you are a young woman who swings both ways and may well want to settle down and raise a kid in future. The fact that you are legally property and have very few rights does not mean you can’t fall in love. Sylphs can get married and sylphs can have pet sylphs so toys can as well.”

Lisa said “I think I love you, you know? I assumed well that I’d be scooped out and replaced with a robot or something?”

The Bam-Kursh shook her head “I’m a have my cake and eat it kind of woman.”

Lisa said “Well between pulling my head off and beating me up do you reckon you might find time to let me be human, you know take me for walks and shit?”

The Bam-Kursh kissed Lisa’s forehead and injected Lisa then she pulled out a final syringe “This will make your skin exceedingly durable. You will be able to withstand a head on nuclear blast, the hottest of fires, deep space, the highest water pressures and even treading on lego bricks. Needless to say your mind will turn off after half an hour in any environment when you can’t do anything to help your situation. You will however be endangered by stars, blackholes and logic bombs.”

Lisa whistled “Impressive. So how can you-?”

The Bam-Kursh grinned “Context sensitive. You are a durable toy, not a soldier, if a person uses their hands or a simple tool you will be slightly easier to take apart than you are now.”

Lisa nodded “You’ve sold me on this.”

The Bam-Kursh injected Lisa with the final syringe.

Lisa asked “What now?”

The Bam-Kursh got off the bed and packed away the medical bag then she asked “Would you like to see the factory?”

Lisa sat up “Alright, yeah.”

The Bam-Kursh headed over the control console.

Lisa got off the bed and slipped on her flip flops then she strode over to the doorway.

The Bam-Kursh pulled a lever and the apartment door sprang open.

The Bam-Kursh approached Lisa and held her hands as she looked into her eyes “Thank you. Truly. Lisa, you have been more than I could ever have hoped.”

She stroked Lisa’s cheek and kissed her on the forehead “Come on”

Lisa followed the Bam-Kursh out into a vast cathedral of industry as vast cables fed conveyor belts and rollers and great white crates.

The Bam-Kursh led the way to an inspection ladder and made sure the way was safe before she let Lisa climb up after her. The Bam-Kursh led Lisa along the inspection route to a heavy metal door and after passing multiple forms of identification the door shucked open. Inside was a vast chamber the size of a football pitch.

Lisa was amazed “What is this place? I mean, how does it work?”

The Bam-Kursh said “Ever heard of quantum teleportation?”

Lisa thought for a second then said “That’s the grandad’s spade approach to teleportation right? You get destroyed at one end, rebuilt at the other, except its completely different matter.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “Well this is like that only the original is not destroyed and we retain the data so we can keep printing units out. The floor and ceiling serve to essentially build the units subatomic particle by subatomic particle, logic encoding after logic encoding. Then when the entire field is filled with units the wall at the back is pushed by pneumatic rams and the units sluice off the printer bay, dawn a series of rollers and onto conveyor belts where the units are then sent off for shipping across the multiverse.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Lisa impressed “So where’s the input? Where do I go?”

The Bam-Kursh grinned “I love that you love this you know?”

Lisa smirked “You gonna show me or what?”

The Bam-Kursh led the way as she chuckled “You’re a chicken asking how KFC is made.”

Lisa snorted.

It was a long walk but at last the Bam-Kursh led Lisa to a large what space with cable and weird looking antenna overhead.

“This is where you go.”

Lucy stood looking at the place and was lost in thought for a moment. This was an almost religious place for her. This, though she would not be aware of it when it happened, was where Lisa would become Legion, where she would finally become merchandise.

The Bam-Kursh checked her watch and pulled what looked like a yoyo out of her pocket. She clasped her hands around Lisa’s neck, as if examining her collar. She read the engraving on the dog tag off to cover the twisting and splitting of the two halves of the yoyo. “Lisa Watkins, loving friend and amazing toy. Aww, who wrote that?”

The Bam-Kursh used the different halves of the yoyo as handles as a super thin hyper advancing cutting wire was revealed under high tension. The Bam-Kursh proceeded to slowly saw through Lisa’s neck. The Bam-Kursh’s thumbs and knuckles held Lisa’s head carefully so that there was a 2 millimetre space between the areas that had been cut, preventing healing.

Lisa answered “Nicky, my secret keeper. It’s sweet isn’t it?”

“Yeah” said the Bam-Kursh “I think we’ll keep it, include it in the product.”

Lisa asked “What are you doing? I mean I know you wanted a look at the collar but what those disk shaped things?”

Lisa’s head separated from her neck.

“Lisa, honey, hold you left hand out flat before you.” said the Bam-Kursh.

Lisa frowned but held her left hand out flat before her.

“Perfect” said the Bam-Kursh “Now shut your eyes and don’t open then until I say.”

Lisa shut her eyes and said “Okay, my eyes are shut”

“Good girl” said the Bam-Kursh and she rested Lisa’s head on her left hand as the Bam-Kursh carefully stowed the cutting wire disguised as a yoyo.

When her hands were free the Bam-Kursh picked up Lucy’s head in her hands strode forward three paces and turned around so she was looking at Lisa’s headless body.

“And open your eyes” said the Bam-Kursh

Lisa opened her eyes and shrieked. She made her left hand into a fist and watched as the headless body with the outstretched left hand clenched its fist.

“This is very weird” said Lisa.

The Bam-Kursh grinned “It’s fantastic isn’t it? You’re fantastic. Look you can lick yourself out.”

Lisa tried to shake her head but instead she watched her neck gyrate without her head and Lisa’s perspective didn’t change.

“No” said Lisa “I don’t like this”

“Spoil sport” said the Bam-Kursh and she put Lisa’s head back on her neck. It healed in a moment.

Lisa shook her head and sighed with relief to experience the familiar sensations.

Lisa shuddered “I really did not like that.”

The Bam-Kursh stroked Lisa’s arms compassionately and said “You are now ready to be the mould for the packaging.”

Lisa stared at her, wondering what on earth she was talking about and then she realised. Dolls always came in vacuum formed clear plastic packaging to hold them in place and keep them from moving in transit. Except Lisa hadn’t been prototyped, there was no rough version to use for the forming, there was just Lisa. She sighed “The fast healing was the first injected, you knew that would function. You needed to make sure the other stuff was working before you’d let me in the vaccuum former.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “That and I like the power of decapitating you.”

Lisa groaned “Whatever”

The Bam-Kursh led the way to the vaccuum former.

Lisa followed.

The vacuum former was a chamber the size of 4 stacked vans, a clear door led inside. The floor of the chamber was a mesh grill and the top was where a sheet of plastic would be heated up and lowered down.

The Bam-Kursh said “You’ll have to strip. You can withstand molten plastic. Your clothes can’t.”

Lisa started stripping but asked “What about my hair?”

The Bam-Kursh handed Lisa what looked like a leather shower cap. “It’s your skin. I grew the sample I took from you and treated it with the same stuff. Your eyebrows and eyelashes will go but they’ll have grown back by the time we record the data for the printers.”

Lisa shrugged and put the leather cap over her hair.

“On your front first” said the Bam-Kursh “Fingers and toes together, mouth closed, arms and legs splayed.”

Lisa was let into the vacuum former and the Bam-Kursh activated the machinery.

A sheet of hot plastic was pulled down and the vacuum formed the plastic around Lisa.

The plastic was allowed to cool before being lifted up to free Lisa.

The Bam-Kursh let Lisa out.

The plastic shell is scanned into the system and a new copy of the shell is printed out of wire mesh, flipped upside down and held in place, ready for Lisa to climb in and form the other half of the packaging.

Lisa climbs in backwards and fits in the mesh shell then shuts her eyes and awaits the piercing heat of near molten plastic. The hot plastic is bought down, forms around Lisa and cools then it is lifted up and Lisa is allowed free.

The Bam-Kursh lets Lisa out then hugs her and kisses her on the forehead “I’m proud of you, Lisa. You’re ready. I think I’ll save you the walk back.”

Lisa starts gathering up her clothes.

The Bam-Kursh pulls out a simple drawstring bag and holds it open “Drop them in here, I’ve already put your collar in there.”

Lisa places the clothes in the bag and stands naked before the Bam-Kursh. “So what next?”

The Bam-Kursh hands her a hair band “Put your hair into a pony tail.”

Lisa raises an eyebrow in curiosity but does as she is told.

The Bam-Kursh pulls out what looks like a flimsy black fabric bag, unzips it and lays it flat on the ground.

Lisa finishes the ponytail.

The Bam-Kursh says “Sit down on the bag.”

Lisa stared at the odd black mess of straps for a moment trying to work out what it was and then she realised, the front, back and sides had been folded out and laid flat on the ground, the bag would be built around her.

Lisa sat down on what looked like to be the bottom and buckled herself in. She slipped her feet into a special fold at the bottom of the bag. She slipped her left and right arms through straps in the side and folded her arms around her then a thought occured to her. “This is a bag right? I’m going to be immobile and in the dark here.”

“Yes” said the Bam-Kursh standing over Lisa “Is that a problem?”

Lisa said “Well you can cut my head off, we can talk while you walk.”

The Bam-Kursh grinned “Gather up your pony tail in your right hand and pull ever so gently away from you.”

Lisa started gathering her hair.

The Bam-Kursh strode behind Lisa, pulled out her yoyo and squatted down,

Lisa pulled her ponytail forward and to the right.

The Bam-Kursh massaged Lisa’s neck and twisted the two halves of the yoyo. “You might want to shut your eyes now.”

Lisa shut her eyes “I’m ready”

The halves of the yoyo became handles as wire sliced carefully through Lisa’s neck.

Lisa’s head swung forwards and dangled from the ponytail held in her right hand.

The Bam-Kursh united the two halves of the yoyo and stowed it then she grabbed Lisa’s head. “It’s alright, I’ve got you.”

Lisa breathed a sigh of relief and dropped her ponytail.

The Bam-Kursh said “I’m going to set yoy head on the ground now. Hug your knees, I need to pack your body away.”

The Bam-Kursh placed Lisa’s head on the ground and went to her body.

Lisa hugged her knees and the Bam-Kursh zipped up the sides of the bag and buckled the top closed.

The Bam-Kursh wore the drawstring bag first then slung the backpack containing Lisa’s body onto her back. Finally she picked up Lisa’s head and held like she was recording a vlog on the move. “You can open your eyes now.”

Lisa opened her eyes as saw she was being held at arms length from the Bam-Kursh and could see the bag that she knew contained her body. “It’s an interesting experience.”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled at started walking “I know everything about you Lisa but while we walk I want to enlighten you on anything you don’t know.”

Lisa asked “What’s the point? I’m going to forget everything.”

The Bam-Kursh shook her head “The point my dear is that you have an inquiring mind and we have a long walk ahead of us.”

“Okay” said Lisa “Tell me about the Farsh-nuke, tell me about sylphs and tell me about the United Civilisations of the Multiverse.”


The Bam-Kursh kicked open the door of the apartment and rammed Lisa’s head on a golf club “I won’t be a moment, darling.”

Lisa sighed.

The Bam-Kursh slung her backpacks onto the bed and unzipped the bag containing Lisa’s body then she started rummaging through the clothes racks.

Lisa called “Hey, I’d quite like my body please.”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled.

Lisa shut her eyes and focused on what she could feel and her memory of getting into the bag. There were two straps holding her arms in place. She felt along her left arm with her right hand until she found the strap, she grabbed it and pulled her left arm free. Then she freed her right arm. She slipped her feet out from the fold at the bottom of the bag. Finally she felt for the buckle around her waist.

Now free, Lisa edged along the bed until she found the floor and nervously stood up. Her sense of balance was shit since you get that from your ears and her ears were not on her body at the moment but she was confident and had muscle memory on her side.

Lisa stood and clapped with her hands.

The Bam-Kursh turned and approached Lisa’s body, she grabbed Lisa’s hands and pulled them to her side then she lifted Lisa’s body up and laid it on the bed. She cried “Stay!” and stroked Lisa’s arms compassionately then she stood up, approached Lisa’s head and picked it up. “Lisa, I don’t think you quite get this, you stay until I am ready for you.”

Lisa stuck her tongue out obstinately.

The Bam-Kursh laughed and carried Lisa’s head over to rejoin her body.

Lisa healed in moments then said “If we’re going to do this I need to know that I can trust you.”

The Bam-Kursh looked sadly at Lisa “I have lied to you, manipulated you, cut your head off and I will beat you. You are going to be my property and I am going to sell you as a toy. There is no trust there is only your loyalty, obedience and sweetness. The next time you walk through that door my work will be complete and Lisa Watkins the human being will be no more. You won’t have the rights that you do now and you won’t care what I do to you.”

The Bam-Kursh handed Lisa her bra, knickers, jeans, tshirt and jacket. “This is your last chance to walk away.”

Lisa got dressed and removed the hair band, the ponytail unravelling as a result.

The Bam-Kursh handed Lisa a medical bag “If you come back, inject the contents of these three syringes before you ring the doorbell.”

“So this is goodbye then?” said Lisa “Even if I return... well... I won’t. Your toy will but I will be... gone. Lost to the fog of memory.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded stroke Lisa’s cheek “I will miss you. I think I will. You’re smart, I like that but smart toys are scary. You won’t sell otherwise.”

Lisa nodded sadly “And that’s all I ever was to you, in the end. A product.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded silently, biting her lip then she kissed Lisa on the forehead. “Goodbye Lisa, it was fun.”

“Yeah” said Lisa “It really was.”

Lisa approached the apartment door.

The Bam-Kursh pulled some levers on the console to reveal London as the apartment door sprang open.

Lisa stepped out bare foot into London.


Lisa felt lost and alone. She didn’t want to just turn around and ring the bell. She had to think about this but she had nowhere to go. She was a dead woman and she didn’t want to deal with that. She just - she just wanted someone to make her feel loved and wanted.

She staggered out into the crowd and a commanding male voice said “Only two kinds of people walk barefoot: People who can’t be arsed to put on shoes because they’re so close to home and people who don’t need shoes in the first place. You look like a bit of both.”

Lisa turned to the source of the voice and found herself looking at a man in a bedraggled suit with a tie in a windsor knot, emerald green eyes and short black hair.

He smiles at her “It’s alright, I don’t bite.”

Lisa approached.”

He sticks he hands in his pockets and slouches as he paces, explaining idly “So I was just in the middle of convincing Julius Caesar that maybe he should reform the army so the legions aren’t tied to the success of the generals when the Bam-Kursh turns up, this time as a woman, and I’m like fuck it, I’m going to be a woman, why the fuck not? But she’s not here to play the great game, she’s here to offer me an olive branch, a toy she says. A toy that has engraved on her collar: Lisa Watkins, Loving Friend, Amazing Toy.”

He pauses to watch Lisa’s reaction.

Lisa is confused.

The strange man continues “I’m no stranger to hooky goods and me and the Bam-Kursh... well... We go WAY back. I know what she’s like and I know how she works and that means I have just left my best friend of my human life with a woman that when I last met her, tried very hard to murder me.”

He pauses and looks at Lisa “I am risking my best friend’s life to see that you are okay, Lisa. I am the Farsh-nuke and I have a very important question to ask you: What do you think that shed is doing there?”

With that the man turns and strides towards where a rickety wooden shed lies parked at the side of a road.

Lisa follows.

The man enters and leaves the door ajar.

Lisa carefully approaches the doorway and sees a large room with a mushroom shaped console beyond. She enters it.

Lisa enters a large seven sided art deco room covered in crisp packets and soda bottles.

“Don’t mind the mess” says the man “You can shut the door if you like. We both know I can’t hurt you.”

Lisa shuts the door behind her.

The man approaches with a bowl of what looks like dry cat food “Kibble?”

Lisa examines the food nervously then looks at him.

He frowns “Yeah wasn’t exactly sure what toys ate. This is sylph kibble, keeps the girls good and strong and their hair every so shiny.”

Lisa smirks “So you really are the Farsh-nuke?”

The Farsh-nuke nods “And you look lost do you want to follow me through into the living room and tell me about it?”

Lisa looks at him awkwardly.

The Farsh-nuke smacks his head in frrustration at his own stupidity “Toy, Farsh-nuke, she’s a toy.”

He grimaces “Lisa, I am going to sit on the sofa in the living room. There will be space next to me.”

The Farsh-nuke strides through a door into a living room with sofas and armchairs tvs and dvds.

Lisa follows.

The Farsh-nuke sits rather ostentatiously on the sofa.

Lisa sits beside him.

“So what is it you do with sylphs?” asks Lisa.

The Farsh-nuke frowns “I am not a nice man, Lisa, when I saw the sylph pill in action I panicked. I did... things. Nasty things. Twenty years of nasty things. I saw sense eventually and I became a hero. For a brief moment I knew someone, she was my you, she made me complete. She was my pet and one of my best friends.”

“What happened to her?” asked Lisa.

The Farsh-nuke stared into space for a long moment then said simply “Bad things.”

Lisa took his hand and squeezed it.

The Farsh-nuke looked at Lisa and frowned “You’d make the most amazing sylph you know?”

Lisa was taken aback “But I’m - I’m...” she trailed off. She couldn’t say it. The words hurt.

“Tell me about her” said the Farshnuke and he brushed hair from her face.

Lisa nodded “She is lying, manipulative, she cuts my head off for fun and I love her. I love how small she makes me feel, how the hairs stand up on the back of my neck just thinking about her, how she possesses every inch of my body and soul and makes me want to obey her.”

The Farsh-nuke nods.

“She’s just so confident and she’s always got a plan, you know?” says Lisa “But she doesn’t care about me. She cares about the product.”

The Farsh-nuke said carefully “What needs to happen before you become the product?”

Lisa holds up the medical bag “There are three syringes in here for my mind. The first lets me be turned off the second makes all memory aside from the taming distant and foggy and the third makes me obedient.”

The Farsh-nuke nods “Yep that’s the Bam-Kursh alright.”

Lisa gives the Farsh-nuke a pained expression “What do I do? I love her so much and I want to please her so much but I-I don’t want to...”

The Farsh-nuke hugs Lisa “Darling I would take you in heartbeat, you wouldn’t even have to become a sylph.”

Then he pulls back “But I don’t think you want to run away. I don’t think you want a third way. I think you’re scared because nobody can be that good but I think you want to go through with this.”

Lisa was on the verge of tears now “Will you inject me? These - It’s hard. I can’t do it.”

The Farsh-nuke stroked Lisa’s cheek “I’ll do it. I’ll deliver you to the Bam-Kursh and I’ll even ring the door bell for you but I am not doing it now.”

Lisa swallowed hard “Why? It’s all I’m good for.”

The Farsh-nuke froze as tendrils of rage clawed at his features. He swallowed and shook his head “Lisa, you are a young and beautiful woman, you could achieve so many things. I am not... delivering... you now because I know how the Bam-Kursh operates and I know who you are and you did not start down this path because the Bam-Kursh was that good at talking to you. Something happened to make you choose this, what was it?”

Lisa’s mind was put back to happier times and she started to calm down as she explained “Well she gave me three chances after I next saw her when she would make me go away and consider my life choices. My ability to say no would diminish each time but I would have three chances. So it was a card I kept in my back pocket for a rainy day.”

“And that rainy day came.” said the Farsh-nuke “How?”

Lisa sighed “Turns out graduating just means a hunk of debt to pay off and three years of your life wasted and oh by the way you’re more likely to be killed by the benefits system than you are to be murdered.”

The Farsh-nuke grimaced angrily “And when you’re trapped between the Nazis and the Communists suddenly a deal with the devil, especially if you have three more chances to cancel the deal, looks pretty darn tempting. What happened next?”

“She gave me a fuck ton of money and a job.” said Lisa “And I took my first chance and ran with it.”

“But?” said the Farsh-nuke.

“But she was under my skin.” said Lisa “And I was just like well my job’s awesome but I know how it ends and I don’t know how being a pet ends and I’m excited to know how I get there.”

The Farsh-nuke frowned “The ennui of the career ladder. How did you spend your next chance?”

Lisa said “I said goodbye. I knew I was hers then. So I faked suicide notes and had my friend from university, Nicky, act as my secret keeper and ‘find’ them”

The Farsh-nuke nodded “The hooks were well and truly in and what was your third chance?

Lisa looked at him awkwardly “This is it.”

The Farsh-nuke froze, his brain making dreadful calculations. He whistled then said “Well played Bam-Kursh, well played”

Lisa stared at the strange man “What do you mean?”

The Farsh-nuke explained “You’re not a doctor or a nurse and no offense but you don’t look the type to do drugs from a needle. The only way you could possibly get yourself injected is if you walk to a hospital and ask around and they’ll take one look at you and decide to get the syringes far away from you. Fuck knows what surprises the Bam-Kursh has in store if they try to study the syringes. You will get sectioned for saying stuff their understanding of science says is impossible, faking suicide and expressing a desire to be a toy. They’ll realise you’re harmless and your conditioning will break. You will get a good job and live a good life.”

Lisa said “I don’t understand.”

The Farsh-nuke sighed “The Bam-Kursh cares for you. She really cares for you. She gave you up. She gave up the product you represent to her.”

Lisa was struggling to take this all in “But that’s good isn’t it?”

“Oh it’s very good” said the Farsh-nuke.

“Then why do you seem angry?” asked Lisa

The Farsh-nuke stood up and grimaced. He threw a cushion across the room. “I am angry because the Bam-Kursh is a cold calculating little bitch who is not ruled by such things as emotions.”

He spat on the floor in disgust “She planned to sell you to me and that means she knew that there would always be a reality where that exists but for that reality to exist in a universe where she gave you up something has to change and that something is me turning up to play the hero only to realise that yet again I have to kill a woman.”

Lisa stood up cried “What!? You’re going to kill me?”

The Farsh-nuke looked Lisa in the eyes “She’s going to mass produce and sell you. She only needs to do that once for all the other Bam-Kursh’s to get you as a toy. I, through my stupid desire to help, am the only person available who can inject you. If I don’t, I can’t return to my friend. I will have abandoned her to the woman who did this to you.”

Lisa swallowed, understanding “One way or another you have to let some become a toy of the Bam-Kursh?”

The Farsh-nuke nodded, silently furious.

“And I’ve already been tamed” said Lisa “I just need to make the last step.”

The Farsh-nuke walked past Lisa and paced the console room.

“I can’t do this anymore.” He said.

He screamed at the ceiling “I am not doing this again!”

Lisa stepped out into the console room.

“Twenty years! Twenty fucking years! And then...! And now this! And now this.” The Farsh-nuke kicked the console.

Lisa asked “Are you okay?”

“Morality’s a bitch” said the Farsh-nuke then he opened a cubby in the stem of the console and pulled out a pencil and paper. He handed the paper and pencil to Lisa and said “I need names and places. The prime minister, the head of the department of work and pensions, your secret keeper. If I’m here I might aswell do some good beyond well...”

Lisa started writing.

The Farsh-nuke watched her and felt a pang of heartbreak “In another life we might have been friends?”

Lisa finished writing and said “Or I could have been your pet?”

He smiled wistfully at the thought.

Lisa approached him “What would you do, if I were your pet?”

He grinned “Oh I’d spoil you, you’d have your heart’s every desire. I’d take you for walks and you’d snuggle up as I watched Professor Logicity.”

He stroked her cheek gently and said “I am sorry, Lisa.”

“Don’t be” said Lisa “None of this is your fault.”

The Farsh-nuke hugged her “Think of the Bam-Kursh, Lisa, think of all the times she’s made you feel alive.”

Lisa felt a slight scratch on her left arm and heard the thinking of spent syringes dropping to the floor.

The Farsh-nuke walked in silence with Lisa to the Bam-Kursh’s apartment.

Lisa decided to ring the doorbell herself.

The door swung open and Lisa walked inside as the Farsh-nuke backed off.


The sand wedge struck Lisa across the temple. The pain was bitter but rich in ecstasy.

The Bam-Kursh dropped the sand wedge and picked up a cricket bat.

Lisa grinned, her body electric with excitement. “One last act of domination.”

The Bam-Kursh smiled sadistically “I told you this day would come.”

The cricket bat slammed into Lisa’s left leg and she collapsed with a scream of bitter ecstasy as her lower leg was dislocated from knee.

The Bam-Kursh swung the cricket bat round in a circle and impacted Lisa’s right ear as she fell.

The Bam-Kursh stood over Lucy’s fallen body and whacked her right in the face with the flat of the bat, breaking her nose.

The Bam-Kursh knelt down and moved the cricket bat to her off hand. She pulled a dagger out of her pocket and started making careful cuts across Lisa’s body.

Lisa stared up at her mistress and knew she was on borrowed time. She cried out “I love you!”

“I know” said the Bam-Kursh testily as she finished the last of her cuts.

The Bam-Kursh stowed the dagger and got to her feet as she moved the cricket bat to her primary hand again.

Lisa hurriedly got her feet, fully healed and looked over to where the toy box sat, its lid open to catch and slam down on anything thrown into it.

The Bam-Kursh circled Lisa and slammed her in the arse with the cricket bat, sending her fling towards the door.

Lisa’s shoulder caught the corner of the hallway wall and she screamed with bitter ecstasy. It was now that she noticed she was standing naked and her clothes lay in pieces on the floor. She laughed.

The Bam-Kursh abandoned the cricket bat for a pair of hockey sticks.

Lisa grinned and backed away to give the Bam-Kursh room to swing.

The Bam-Kursh lashed out with one heavy strike from the left stick and followed it up with the right.

Lisa had a moment to catch her breath before the Bam-Kursh started pounding, just pounding away at Lisa.

Lisa jumped and the Bam-Kursh seized the opportunity presented. Lisa was juggled into the air above the Bam-Kursh and when just about ever square inch of her flesh had been pummeled the Bam-Kursh picked up a baseball bat and slammed Lisa’s bruised and battered body into the toy box.

The lid of the toy box slammed shut on Lisa and she lay in exquisite ecstasy in the dark until the injections took effect.


The Bam-Kursh tossed the baseball bat away and stood panting for a moment. She approached the toy box and saw a device she’d installed on the toy box lid glow with a green light. The injections within Lisa had activated and the device had just successfully turned Lisa’s mind off.

The Bam-Kursh opened up the toy box and found Lisa in a heap. She lifted Lisa up and carried her to the bed then she pulled out her quantum oscillator and altered the jamming frequency to allow Lisa’s body to go limp.

The Bam-Kursh slid the fold out bag underneath Lisa and buckled her into the bag, next she slid Lisa’s feet into the special fold at the bottom of the bag and pulled Lisa’s arms through the side straps. She posed Lisa so she was hugging her knees and altered the jamming frequency to hold her body in that position then she zipped up the bag and buckled the top closed.

The Bam-Kursh went to the console and after a while at the controls she pulled the door lever and it sprang open.

The Bam-Kursh slung the bag containing Lisa onto her back and walked out the door.


The factory was buzzing with overseers and workers now. It was, after all, about to go live.

The Bam-Kursh made the long trek over to the input scanner for the factory and found the packaging waiting on the input plate.

The Chief Overseer nodded respectfully “Maam”

The Bam-Kursh smiled at the reassuring sight of Francine, the fat freckly 50 year old massively experienced chief overseer, and said “It was a bit fraught but I got her in the end.”

The Chief Overseer nodded “Well just lay her in the packaging and my crew will have her ready for data entry in few moments.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded and approached the packaging. It was the bottom part of the packaging and she half smiled at the impression of Lisa’s butt.

The Bam-Kursh carefully took the bag containing Lisa off her back, unbuckled the top and unzipped it. She altered the jamming frequency and Lisa’s body went limp. She pulled Lisa’s arms and feet free then unbuckled her from the bag. She lay Lisa’s body out flat and altered the frequency again so the Bam-Kursh could easily lift Lisa into the packaging. She altered the frequency to let Lisa’s limp body fit perfectly into the grooves then she stood back.

The Chief Overseer’s hand picked team bought the top part of the packaging on top of Lisa and then they proceeeded to glue, tape and cable tie the two halves of the packaging securely around Lisa.

The Chief Overseer said “Maam, we’re about the wire in the psychoinhibitors and interference dampeners.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded and aimed her quantum oscillator at Lisa. She altered the frequency one last time and Lisa’s body was held rigid in position.

The Bam-Kursh lowered the Quantum Oscillator.

The Chief Overseer nodded for work to continue.

The button to turn Lisa’s mind on was added and Lisa’s skirt, crop top, bikini, flip flops and collar were added. Then interference dampening wires were laid out and small battery powered computers programmed to knock Lisa unconscious and alert security if mind brain function was detected were added. Finally the cardboard branding was slid into position and secured with tape.

The Chief Overseer inspected the packaging then cried “Alright guys! You’ve done a good job, clear the area and get to your work stations. It’s go time.”

Everyone cleared away from the input plate and the Bam-Kursh looked anxiously at Lisa as beams of logic scanned her every sub-atomic particle and oscillation of logic.

The Chief Overseer listened into an earpiece and said “That’s three good scans. Maam, she’s all yours.”

The Bam-Kursh ran forwards onto the input plate and tore at the packaging. She pulled the knife from her pocket and started cutting Lisa free. Then she pressed the switch on button.

The toy opened her eyes and said “Hello, I’m Lisa. You can call me something different if you like, what’s your name?”

The Bam-Kursh grinned “You may call me Mistress, I am the Bam-Kursh.”

The toy grinned “My maker. You raised me up from humanity, how may I make your life better?”

The Bam-Kursh stroked the toy’s cheek and said “You can start by getting dressed.”

The toy nodded “With pleasure, Mistress.”

The Bam-Kursh helped the toy out of the packaging and handed her her clothes.

The toy got dressed and the Bam-Kursh readied her collar.

The toy stood before the Bam-Kursh in the pink skirt, crop top and flip flops.

The Bam-Kursh smiled and approached the toy, she grabbed her round the waist and pulled her close.

The toy grinned.

The Bam-Kursh secured the collar around the toy’s neck and said “Follow me girl and stay close. I don’t want to lose you.”

The toy nodded.

The Bam-Kursh stroked the toy’s cheek and turned away from her.

The Chief Overseer was grinning “She’s everything you wanted then?”

“Oh yes” said the Bam-Kursh “A truly amazing little toy. No if you’ll excuse me, I -”

The Chief Overseer chuckled “Go, enjoy her. You’ve earned it.”

The Bam-Kursh nodded and started making her way to the apartment.

The toy followed obediently.


The Bam-Kursh entered the apartment and headed to the console and felt breath on the nape of her neck. She turned and saw the toy standing right behind her. Clearly her toy was a good deal stupider than Lisa.

The Bam-Kursh had a wicked thought and asked “Hey girl, how would you feel if I cut your head off?”

The toy blushed and giggled “I am yours to command and play with.”

The Bam-Kursh studied the toy for a long moment and fondled the yoyo in her pocket.

The toy was grinning at her. It was a stupid childish grin, the kind a lovesick youngster gives their crush.

The Bam-Kursh shook her head, it wasn’t the same. There was no pleasure to be taken from such a brainless individual. She said “Go stand by the side of the hallway, when I stroke your head follow me like you have done.”

The toy nodded and went to stand by the side of the hallway.

The Bam-Kursh manipulated the controls and pulled the door lever.

The Bam-Kursh headed out the door, stroking the toy’s head as she passed.

The toy followed the Bam-Kursh out the door.


They were in an office in a building. A short balding white man in a business suit had a bunch of files before him on a desk.

He stood up as they entered and shook first the Bam-Kursh’s and then the toy’s hand “Miss Bam-Kursh, Miss Watkins, I am Cedric Lumpkin, I am a judge by trade but the ministers for retail, animal welfare and human rights agreed to hire me to be your liaison.”

Mr Lumpkin sat down in his office chair.

The Bam-Kursh and the toy each took a seat opposite him.

“Right this is the situation as I understand it” said Mr Lumpkin “You, Miss Bam-Kursh, wish to claim legal right to own, mass produce and sell Miss Watkins here? Indeed not only that but you wish to file a patent and copyright claim upon her?”

The Bam-Kursh nodded “That’s right.”

The toy smiled bemusedly at Mr Lumpkin.

“Why?” asked Mr Lumpkin “On what grounds?”

The Bam-Kursh said “The why is simple. I need money, a lot of money, an awful lot of money. I am an incarnation of the elder god Bam-Kursh and so I decided to break out my old hobby, making toys.”

Mr Lumpkin sighed “At least you’re honest about what motivates you but surely you must see that it is quite impossible for any civilised society, let alone one that was forged under oppression, to tolerate selling thinking beings as toys?”

The Bam-Kursh shook her head “It’s transformative. Lisa Watkins may have been born a free thinking creature but I have remade her. I changed her outlook and ideals, I have rewritten her soul, I have changed her biology with tools and potions of my own original design. The toy you see before you now shares the face and essential personality attributes of Lisa Watkins but everything else was changed by me.”

Mr Lumpkin said “But that’s murder?”

The Bam-Kursh shook her head “I consulted with Lisa every step of the way and I have
full logs of our meetings. I even have her memories backed up. I absolutely remade Lisa into a toy but she absolutely consented. I mean she gave herself the last three injections. Besides which Lisa isn’t really dead. She is changed beyond almost all recognition but that is still her mind, her memories of all saved the taming are locked behind a haze that can be lifted over time with help. The intent is that the customers get to enjoy a blank slate that will grow to love them.”

Mr Lumpkin frowned “If there is evidence to what you say then it would seem that you do indeed have a case but this sets a very dangerous precedent.”

The door squeaked open and a tall blonde woman in a business suit arrived “Sorry I’m late, ship got delayed. What did I miss?”

Mr Lumpkin stood up to shake the woman’s hand in greeting “Ah Miss Danse’s hatchling liaison.”

The hatchling of Lucy Danse shook Mr Lumpkin’s hand “Yes Lucy is very keen that this goes off without a hitch.”

The hatchling took a seat beside the toy.

Mr Lumpkin said “Miss Bam-Kursh here was just explaining that she thinks it is fine to patent, copyright and sell as property Miss Watkins here because she believes she has sufficiently transformed her but in a manner that does not constitute killing...”

Mr Lumpkin’s face was amusement hiding disgust.

The hatchling nodded “The Bam-Kursh can do that for mucvh the same reason as Lucy.”

Mr Lumpkin stared at her. “What are you talking about?”

“I am talking about the fact that Lucy Danse is a brood queen to at least a billion different hatchlings like myself. Many are sent off to war but a good 3% are given to various nobles and friends as gifts.” said the hatchling confidently.

Mr Lumpkin said “But the hatchlings are born with the mother’s memories and personality and share exactly their dna. In many ways you are Lucy Danse so Lucy going about these practises is fine because she can be sure of consent and nothing is enshrined in law.”

The hatchling grinned, sensing victory “Ah but Lisa did consent. Lucy met her and verified as such. And the method of producing the toys is logicular replication, essentially quantum teleportation but without the need for quantum entanglement and the destruction of the original. If quantum teleportation was deemed ethically sound enough to use for transporting people then legally toys produced via logicular replication can be said to be the same as the original toy and therefore what the one consented to, the others would have too.”

Mr Lumpkin was stunned by the argument but the hatchling wasn’t done yet.

“By your own logic if the Bam-Kursh was not asking for payment the toys could be just as manufactured and made available to the same people in the same way. You would just have it that any random person without the means to provide the toys with sufficient engagement could get one and without any kind of legal regulation to protect the toys or the people who by them.” said the hatchling.

The Bam-Kursh whistled, impressed.

Mr Lumpkin said “Alright, you have a case but I want all records and I want a full scan of Miss Watkins to ensure that everything is above board.”


Months passed in fierce negotiations but finally the Bam-Kursh, the toy and the hatchling hit the restaurant to celebrate.

Lucy and Greta sat at a table and waved them over.

The hatchling and the Bam-Kursh sat opposite Greta and Lucy, the toy stood beside the Bam-Kursh.

“So a little birdie tells me you are now the proud legal owner of one Miss Lisa Watkins?” said Lucy conspiratorially.

The Bam-Kursh grinned.

The hatchling said “It was a nightmare, months of banging our heads against this brick wall as every time we convinced him to see a single element of our argument he would resort to the same old rhetoric. ‘Well this is slavery, this is murder, this is abuse.’”

Greta chuckled.

“Anyway, eventually we wore him down” said the hatchling.

“Good” said Lucy “And how do you feel?”

The Bam-Kursh whispered to the toy “Hey girl, sit on my lap yeah?”

The toy nodded and once the Bam-Kursh had moved back a bit the toy vsat on her lap.

The hatchling sighed “I just feel so euphoric, so relieved, it’s finally over.”

Lucy laughed “I meant about each other.”

The hatchling frowned “How do you mean?”

The Bam-Kursh and Greta laughed, even Lucy smirked.

The hatchling looked to the toy curiously and send “Well how do you feel?”

The Bam-Kursh looked the hatchling in the eyes and said “I think it could work.”

The hatchling looked back at Lucy “Why?”

Lucy shrugged “I am sort of the mascot of the United Civilisations. I could do with having toys made of me and well what else are you going to do?”

The hatchling blushed “Well I suppose I am a little open to the idea.”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled “She’ll be in stores by the end of the week.”

The hatchling looked away nervously.

The Bam-Kursh said “Anyway I am afraid I must confess something.” She pulled a memory gun round out from her pocket “I cheated”

Lucy laughed “Fantastic” then she dug a memory gun out of her pocket.

The Bam-Kursh handed the round to Lucy.

Lucy loaded the round, took aim in the dead centre of the toy’s forehead and fired.

The memories of Lisa’s life up to the point of the recording of the round, when the Bam-Kursh had taken her to meet Lucy for the first time, exploded like a bomb in her head as all at once fog cleared in an instant but the shockwaves did not stop at the recording of the round. The walls in Lisa’s mind were crumbling and she remembered the injections, remembered her head being cut off, remembered the bag, remembered the Farsh-nuke and yes even remembered the Bam-Kursh juggling her in the air with hockey stick blows.

Lisa burst out crying.

The Bam-kursh squeezed Lisa tight and said “It’s okay, I am never leaving you again.”

Lucy handed Lisa her serviette.

“I thought - I thought I was gone.” said Lisa.

The Bam-Kursh tutted “I have always known that I would do this. I just had to be certain the product could be sold.”

Lisa froze, her mind was still a little fuzzy “Product?” and then she realised what that meant and said “You mean you’ve done it? You’ve actually sold me?”

“I mean you are legally my property” said the Bam-Kursh proudly “And you are selling like the proverbial hot cakes.”

“Oh” said Lisa, overcome by pride.

“And” said Lucy “You’re going to have some company in that toy box of yours.”

The hatchling sheepishly waved “Hi”

Lisa grinned and said “Hey, Mistress, you can massage my neck if you want?”

The Bam-Kursh said defensively “You know I never-?”

Lisa nodded “I know and I figure you’ve earned it. Besides, kind of uncomfortable on your lap.”

The Bam-Kursh kissed Lisa’s neck “I love you, you know, with all my heart.”

The Bam-Kursh twisted the two halves of the yoyo and pulled them apart.

“It’s funny” said Lisa as the wire bit into the flesh of her neck “It kind of tickles.”


Lisa and the hatchling followed the Bam-Kursh into the apartment.

The Bam-Kursh went to the console.

The hatchling asked “So how does it feel to be a toy then?”

Lisa said “I imagine what it would feel like to meet god. There’s just this intense feeling of love and warmth and protection. Like I will never be harmed again.”

The Bam-Kursh snorted.

Lisa smirked “Well like nobody who I don’t trust on a very deep level will ever harm me again.”

The hatchling nodded “That sounds really nice actually.”

“Oh it is” said Lisa “And it’s fun.”

The door sprang open.

The Bam-Kursh said “I believe I made you a promise?”

Lisa thought for a second then grinned “Oh”

The Bam-Kursh stroked the back of Lisa’s head “You ready?”

“What about her?” asked Lisa, regarding the hatchling.

The Bam-Kursh said “Lucy, strip naked and climb in the box. We’ll let you out.”

The hatchling stared at the Bam-Kursh “I’m sorry, what?”

“He’s esablishing obedience” said Lisa “Strip naked and get in the box.”

The Bam-Kursh and Lisa left the apartment.

The hatchling shrugged and started stripping.

Nicky staggered over the threshold of her house with her shopping and kicked the door shot behind her. A week since Lisa had been reported missing, a week of guilt and interrogation, a week of feeling judged and experiencing the most intense loss.

The door swung open behind Nicky but she didn’t notice and staggered into the kitchen.

“I told you I’d come back.” said Lisa.

Nicky dropped her bags and turned at the sound of Lisa’s voice.

Nicky hugged Lisa and said “I wasn’t sure. Oh Lisa, I wasn’t sure.”

Lisa patted Nicky’s back “It’s okay. I’m here.”

The Bam-Kursh coughed.

Nicky let go of Lisa and saw that yes, it was the same victorian adventures from their first encounter outside the club.

“I can put your shopping away if you want to go into the living room.” said the Bam-Kursh “Hate to see good produce go to waste.”

Nicky looked to Lisa.

Lisa smirked “Are you asking me for permission?”

Nicky rolled her eyes and led Lisa out of the kitchen.

The Bam-Kursh picked up the bags and started putting the shopping away.


Nicky entered the living room with Lisa and said “I thought you and she? Well you’re her toy.”

Lisa grinned “Oh absolutely. I am legally her property now, she can turn me off and everything.”

Nicky frowned “But does she turn you on?”

“Well yeah” said Lisa “She likes me. No fear of me being left to rot in the toy cupboard.”

Nicky groaned “Does she excite you?”

“Well yeah-” began Lisa.

The Bam-Kursh interrupted Lisa “I think question your lovely friend is trying to ask is weather you want to fuck me?”

Lisa blushed “Okay, this is awkward.”

“Then sit down and let me handle this” said the Bam-Kursh

Lisa sat down on the sofa.

The Bam-Kursh and Nicky locked eyes.

The Bam-Kursh watched Nicky carefully.

Nicky grimaced and said “How is this any of your business?”

“She’s my property” said the Bam-Kursh.

Nicky noticeably flared with anger but restrained herself, her hands clenching and unclenching. She didn’t want a fight.

“And my friend.” said the Bam-Kursh “I can’t really explain what it feels like because, no offense, we experience vastly different levels of reality. I can tell you this though. I don’t want to fuck her and I don’t want to marry her. Humans are so... small. You’re adorable. You’re children playing at being grown ups because you have money and internet and politics. I have watched universes spontaneously generate, subdivide and die. I have made toys of generals and kings, I have waged bloody warfare with my kin and savaged the multiverse without realising. And you would pick a fight because I stated a simple fact about my relationship with Lisa.”

Nicky snarled “You arrogant bitch.”

The Bam-Kursh chuckled.

“I know you don’t give a shit about Lisa but I do” snarled Nicky “And I need to know if she loves you.”

“Yes” said Lisa simply.

The Bam-Kursh gave her a worried look.

Nicky felt winded “What?”

“It’s not just - Christ Nicky, I’m human. Or I was. I’m not- I can’t experience being a toy the way she can experience loving one. I have to go with what I know and I absolutely feel sexually aroused.” said Lisa “It’s a terrifying and addicting loss of control. She’s played with me and used me and now I can’t live life any different.”

Nicky went to sit beside Lisa and comfort her.

The Bam-Kursh felt incredibly awkward “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Lisa sighed “You have nothing to apologise for. I love what you’ve turned me into and the life you’ve made for me.”

Nicky asked “And what about me?”

Lisa shrugged “You’re a good friend and I love to make you happy and you feel so nice and you make me feel so nice but I’m her toy.”

Nicky nodded then said “Let’s see a demonstration then?”

Lisa stared at her confused.

The Bam-Kursh raised her eyebrows with interest.

Nicky said “You said you’d have the Bam-Kursh show off the goods when you were finally a toy so lets see a demonstration?”

Lisa grinned.

Nicky said “That’s more like it. Bam-Kursh, I trust you don’t have a problem with this.”

“Not at all” said the Bam-Kursh with a smile. “Lisa, get off the sofa.”

Lisa stood up obediently and felt bouyed with confidence.

“May I?” said the Bam-Kursh, gesturing to the seat vacated by Lisa.

Nicky laughed “Of course.”

The Bam-Kursh took the seat on the sofa and said “Honey, cross legged on the floor between my legs if you will.”

Lisa did as was asked of her.

The Bam-Kursh said “You’re not squeamish are you?”

Nicky said “No, why?”

The Bam-Kursh started gathering Lisa’s hair up in a pony tail. “Well this is more of a party trick really but we like it don’t we girl?”

Lisa giggled.

The Bam-Kursh tied off the pony tail and held it loosely “Take this and pull gently”

Nicky accepted Lisa’s ponytail and within a matter of moments she held Lisa’s head in her hands.

Nicky was wide eyed with shock “Okay, this is unusual.”

Lisa grinned “It tickles when she does that.”

Nicky stared at her then asked “How much does she cost?”

The Bam-Kursh grimaced “A lot. If you want to see her. You’ll have to volunteer.”

Nicky stared at the Bam-Kursh “What do you mean volunteer?”

The Bam-Kursh frowned and poked Lisa’s nose “Like her.”

“I think you better leave” said Nicky and she placed Lisa’s head back on her body.

Lisa said “We’re coming back at christmass, and new years and your birthday...”

Nicky glared at the Bam-Kursh.

The Bam-Kursh chuckled “Don’t worry if I can convince her to let me cut her head off, I can see we miss christmass.”

“Thank you” said Nicky.

Lisa said “No, we’re coming back.”

The Bam-Kursh got to her feet and said “Honey, we’ve got a girl in the toy box remember?”

Lisa nodded and got to her feet “Oh yeah I can’t wait until she’s conditioned and obedient. She’s going to be so adorable.”

The Bam-Kursh rolled her eyes and said “See you later.”

Then they entered the door and it shut behind them.

The door was kicked off its hinges and a man wearing a bedraggled three piece suit, with slip on trainers, a tie tied in a windsor knot, short messy black hair and the stench of death about him entered.

Nicky stared at him for a moment, frozen in horror.

“Your name’s Nicky, right?” said the strange man “Ever heard of a girl named Lisa Watkins? She’s about average height, blonde beautiful and obsessed with being a toy to someone called the Bam Kursh?”

Nicky nodded, not daring to speak.

“Excellent” said the strange man “My name is the Farsh-nuke I’m an old friend of the Bam-Kursh and well I’ve just murdered every rightwing fucker that contributed to getting Lisa to keep going to the Bam-Kursh and well... you know? Anyway I’m here because I figured you might want to get away for a bit.”

Nicky was so amazed by the offer that she forgot to feel afraid and said incredulously “You kick down my door, reeking of death, say you’ve murdered people and now you want me to go with you?”

The Farsh-nuke sighed “Oh for fuck’s sake! I am not going to kill you, I am not going to turn you into a toy and I am not going to keep you as a pet. I just thought you might fancy a trip round the multiverse instead of getting harrassed because you were the last person to see a pretty white English girl alive.”

He turns, irritated and storms off across the street.

Nicky follows him.

He enters an incongruous rickety wooden shed.

Nicky steps inside and is blown away.

The Farsh-nuke groans “Oh so you’re coming are you? This is the seghat. Septagonally systEmic Green nothingness HAbitational Transcender. It is bigger on the inside, travels through time and the multiverse and it has a handy dandy fast return switch.”

The Farsh-nuke presses the switch and there’s a sound like a stammering Sh!

The Farsh-nuke strides out the seghat and finds the friend he’d left here “Having fun?”

“Oh yeah” says his friend “You have got to admit she is awfully adorable.”

The Farsh-nuke turns to look where his friend is looking. He finds the Bam-Kursh casually sawing through Lisa’s neck and blue screens “You have got to be fucking kidding me!?”

Lisa is giggling as the saw slices her head clean off her neck.

The Farsh-nuke’s nightmares come back to haunt him as the Bam-Kursh lifts Lisa’s head clean off her body by the ponytail.

Lisa spots the Farsh-nuke and squees, pointing at him.

The Farsh-nuke sees the decapitated head of a woman he thinks he basically lobotomized shriek at him and her body point a finger accusingly at him.

He runs over and punches the Bam-Kursh in the face while roaring with rage.

As the Bam-Kursh falls beneath the Farsh-nuke’s hail of blows, she throws Lucy’s head at Nicky.

Nicky catches Lisa’s head “What did I miss?”

Lisa sighed “Mistress has been trying to drum up purchases. She’s really keen on building up a war chest. I think she wanted to save me as a surprise or something because I was only pulled out when the Farsh-nuke had gone but I remember him and he’s well a bit confused.”

Nicky placed Lisa’s head back on her neck and cried “Hey Farsh-nuke! You can stop punching her! Lisa’s fine!”

Lisa approached the Farsh-nuke and gently touched his shoulder.

The Farsh-nuke whirled around and only stopped his fist from impacting Lisa at the last second. “Shit.”

“I’m okay” said Lisa “I’m better than okay. I remember everything.”

The Farsh-nuke’s anger dissipated with relief “You’re okay”

Lisa laughed “Oh yeah and I am fully legit now. I’m a real toy, it’s awesome.”

The Farsh-nuke smiled and stroked her cheek “Well as long as you’re happy.”

The Bam-Kursh rose behind him and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

The Farsh-nuke didn’t even look around “Go ahead, do your worst. I deserve it.”

The Bam-Kursh said “Bad day huh?”

The Farsh-nuke nodded “I’ve got a lot of blood on my hands, I don’t need any more.”

“And yet she stopped you, just by being in your way?” said the Bam-Kursh.

The Farsh-nuke shrugged “It’d be like punching a kitten. You just don’t do it.”

The Bam-Kursh made an approving hum then said “How would you like to spread leftwing values by beating the crap out of dick heads and get to see that face every day?”

The Farsh-nuke whistled “And what would I have to do to pay for such kindness?”

“That is the payment” said the Bam-Kursh with a chuckle “Your reward will be a Lisa toy of your own.”

The Farsh-nuke looked to his friend.

“Go for it” said his friend “I can always camp out in the Seghat.”

Nicky said “Yeah, I could probably stick around if I know you can do that should the Bam-Kursh decide to turn me into a toy.”

Lisa grinned.

The Farsh-nuke turned to face the Bam-Kursh.

The Bam-Kursh punches him in the face.

The Farsh-nuke sighed and offered his hand “Just until I’ve had a good enough holiday that I can head off on my own again and I want my Lisa’s memories unlocked.”

“You’ve got a deal” said the Bam-Kursh and they shook hands.

Then Lucy Danse’s hatchling strides over, completely naked, and says “Caesar wants to know whether Cleopatra can be made into a toy, what should I say?”

The Farsh-nuke faints.

“Did I do something wrong?” asks the hatchling.

The Bam-Kursh shakes her head “Poor boy’s just tuckered out is all.” She looks to the Farsh-nuke’s friend “Get everyone inside his seghat, you’ll be safe there. I have to try my luck.”

And with that the Toy Maker strides off in search of fresh prey.

The End


Sorry this is long and typo ridden, I wrote it by accident because I was distracted and needed it out of my system and then I realised I quite like it and now it's canon. So sorry.

Also just so we're clear the Bam-Kursh is absolutely a villain this is just her day in the limelight.