The Curious Tale of Jessica Mitrovich
Written to celebrate the facebook fan page reaching 500 likes
Alexander Gordon Jahans
She lay giggling on the bed as he fumbled with his laces.
He approached the bed with bare feet and an open collar then slipped a sealed condom out from his trouser pocket and gestured with his free hand “May I?”
She cried “Yes!” and pulled him close so she might unbutton his shirt.
He gave her a kiss on the cheek in thanks and started pulling at her clothes with a careful urgency.
She felt her way down his chest, taking delight at his shivers of excitement as her hands slid further and further down.
He groaned in delight as her hands brushed his member and readied the condom.
The night passed in animalistic joy.
And then the world ended.
Jessica woke up naked on the bed, every muscle in her body sore from the night’s exersions. She had a shower before getting dressed and heading out for a coffee and croissant.
His name had been Joshua Cornell and he was an architect by trade. The man knew his suits and his wines which had been what attracted him to her last night. She’d had better fucks but there was nothing quite as civilised as a rich idiot who thought himself the perfect mix between James Bond and Hugh Grant.
As she waited for her Latte she idly flicked through the Daily Mail. Apparently the palace of Westminster and The White House had both been destroyed over the course of several hours by an eery green light. Damn those zany Islamic Fundamentalists whatever would they think of next?
Once she recieved the Latte she decided to wander over to the South Bank, see if there was anything good going on at the Tate today.
She was just wondering whether her boss would take exception should she arrive a few minutes late when a great big spaceship blinked into existence above her head and a squad of seven men beamed down from it.
Jessica sighed and turned to one of the men “Look I’m just an estate agent, I don’t have any money on me.”
The alien, that Jessica had assumed was a street performer, looked her up and down appreciatively and smiled “Hey Xanec, I reckon the boss will want this one.”
Jessica was nonplussed at that and started routing around in her bag.
The alien referred to as Xanec started walking over and said “Phridle you’re supposed to drug and capture every woman, not stand around gawping”
Phridle nodded reluctantly and reached into his pocket.
Jessica sprayed pepper spray in Phridle’s face and took off running. Suddenly all those hours at the gym were not just a concession to health and vanity. Jessica was maintaining distance from the aliens and kept going through traffic crossings to widen the distance.
Then a man in an odd suit started running alongside her.
“You being chased?” he asked.
“Yes” Jessica breathed, annoyed “By you”
The man in the odd suit started jogging backwards now. He seemed oddly unfazed “I think I can help you.”
Jessica stopped. It was a convenient excuse to catch her breath. She spat on the ground, took a deep breath and said “Why would you help me?”
“Because you’re pretty and I’m hopeful” he said with a laugh.
Jessica stared at him indignantly but couldn’t help admiring his strong chin and emerald green eyes. It was funny, they seemed to glint in the light.
He coughed “Well that and I was always raised to save damsels in distress.”
“Right” said Jessica with as much cynicism as she could muster before adding “Can you hold them off?”
“Oh I can do better than that” said the man and he smoothed down his suit and strode confidently forward and Phridle and Xanec approached.
Jessica panted and pumped her feet, she was getting ready to run again.
The main put the index and middle finger of his left hand into his mouth and blew out a loud whistle then he cried out “Oi! Herdy and Gerdy, what do you call this?”
Jessica saw Phridle and Xanec slow to a nervous walk as they eyed first the man and then her. Something didn’t feel right.
“Lads, what did I tell you? Drug , and capture! Drug, and capture!” said the man
The man sighed and pulled a small metallic wand out of his pocket. “Pay attention now this is what you do with runners.”
The man turned to look after Jessica’s fleeing form. He aimed the wand and pressed the button “Swish and flick!”
Jessica’s feet left the tarmac and she felt herself pulled backwards through the air to the strange man.
Jessica cried out in disgust “What are you!?”
The man used the wand to spin her to face him and said “My dear I am the Farsh-nuke and I am regrettably being employed to dominate this landscape and turn it into a breeding ground for Logicios and Sylphs. You were, and are, to be a sylph but I gave explicit orders that you, and all other suitable female, be drugged as quickly as possible to prevent any undue trauma. As recompense for the trauma that you have experienced I shall personally welcome you into the domain of the sylph. It will be kinder this way. Do you have any response to this?”
“Yes” said Jressica and she kicked him in the balls.
Jessica spat in his face “Sick bastard!”
He chuckled “I understand your anger my dear, don’t worry I will make sure you become a sylph of your own free will and volition. For now though I have a planet bto conquer so sleep well.”
Jessica stared at him in disbelief and then she watched him manipulate the rod and she blacked out.
Jessica woke up on a bed of saw dust and sneezed. She sat up and got her feet. She was in a small plastic hut. She ducked out of it and saw that she was in a great cage. A running wheel was attached to one side, a food bowl the diameter of a large pizza lay embedded in a plastic counter and stuck outside the cage with the spout poking in was a water bottle.
“Right” said Jessica “Just what did I take to see this?”
The Farsh-nuke’s voice boomed from over head “Do forgive the accomodation. I had to make do with what was available. Would you care for some food?”
Jessica snarled and rattled the bars of the cage “I am not a woman to be played with you understand!? I will gouge your eyes out and make you eat your testicles!”
“And you think saying that will make me treat you better!?” boomed the Farsh-nuke playfully.
Jessica laughed maliciously “Don’t you get it!? I am outside of any control or hope! Frankly I am surprised I am even alive! I just know that I hate you!”
“Sorry” boomed the Farsh-nuke and with that a giant hand lifted up the cage door and Jessica was pulled into the air by the force from that wand again. Once she had left the confines of the cage the dimensions shifted and Jessica was full size and hovering before the Farsh-nuke.
He lowered her gently to the ground and offered her the handle of a sword.
“What’s this for?” said Jessica, taking the sword.
The Farsh-nuke shrugged “I hurt you and I apologise. This is my way of clearing the air. Stab me in the chest.”
Jessica stared at him, her mind filled with questions about just how insane this man was.
“If it makes you feel better, stab me” said the Farsh-nuke.
Jessica blinked then shrugged and stabbed the Farsh-nuke through the heart.
The Farsh-nuke gasped and said “Feel better?”
Jessica pulled the sword around in a circle and pocked the cylinder of flesh out the back of the Farsh-nuke’s chest.
Still the Farsh-nuke met her gaze with compassion and pity.
Jessica pulled the sword free and said “I can’t help byut notice that you’re not dying.”
The Farsh-nuke smiled awkwardly “Yes perhaps I should have mentioned that. It is very unlikely that you could actually hurt me, even if you completely vaporised my body, my soul could always find a new host. Now shall we dine?”
Jessica stared at him blinked and shrugged “Lead on Macduff”
The Farsh-nuke nodded and led the way along a hotel corridor to a fancy restaurant.
A waiter came over with the menus. “Do you want any drinks?”
“Ah yes” said the Farsh-nuke “I’ll have Sally dressed in ooh a scarlet number and a number 2 straw. What’ll you have Jessica?”
Jessica was taken aback and said “Err J20 Orange and Thingy please.”
The waiter nodded and as he left he whispered in her ear “Don’t worry, he’s actually quite a nice guy.”
Jessica nodded and said “So is this just dinner or can I expect to be the main course?”
The Farsh-nuke laughed “Relax! I am going to turn you into a sylph but only when you want me to and I gave up eating sylph long ago. I’m all chicken now.”
Jessica gave him a sarcastic smile “Well while I am very glad to hear that I have to ask what the point of this is?”
The Farsh-nuke thought for a second then said “Very well, I shall be honest. The point is that in order for you to willingly become a sylph you must came to like me and want to be my pet. Thus we must socialise. I think I will have a chicken and ribs combo what about you?”
She stared at him “Steak, medium rare”
The Farsh-nuke smiled appreciatively.
The waiter approached with a glass of J20 Orange and Passion Fruit in his left hand and his right arm around a short blonde woman wearing a scarlet bikini. The waiter put down the glass before Jessica “A J20 for the lady” then he pulled up a chair for the blonde woman in the scarlet bikini and presented a large bendy strsaw to the Farsh-nuke “And lady with a number 2 straw for the Farsh-nuke”
Jessica watched this with horrified interest and so was quite taken aback when the waiter casually asked what they wanted to eat.
When the waiter had left the Farsh-nuke stabbed one end of the straw into his drink’s jugular vein and then took a good long sup of the other end.
Jessica couldn’t help herself asking “Are you a vampire?”
The Farsh-nuke laughed “Good heavens no, I just really like the tate of sylph blood.”
Jessica turned her gaze on his drink, the woman casually being drunk from “And you, you’re okay with this?”
The drink nodded “I have a good life here. The man’s a hero of the multiverse, he can afford to keep me in luxury and to tell you the truth I kind of get off on it. Being drunk I mean. I think it’s something to do with being a Sylph there’s a feeling better than sex whenever you’re exploited to your full potential.”
Jessica sipped her J20 and said “So this is what you want of me? To be your willing drink.”
The Farsh-nuke shrugged “I was thinking more that you would be a pet but if you want to be a drink you can be a drink”
Jessica stared at him and drank her J20.
Then the food arrived.
They ate in silence and something gnawed at Jessica. A wquestion that demanded to be asked just as soon as she was done eating. She finished her plate asked it “Just how are you a hero of the multiverse?”
The Farsh-nuke shrugged “You’ve heard of he who fights monsters right? That he who fights monsters should be careful lest he become one? That when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares into you?”
“Well I’m a monster” said the Farsh-nuke “But I am a monster that can be controlled and aimed because I have a weakness, an achilles heal as it were.”
“And what’s that?” asked Jessica not even thinking of how useful this information would be.
“Sylphs” said the Farsh-nuke “I am obsessed with them. They are written into the logic of my very soul. If you give me a sylph, a woman entirely, willingly, under my control. I will do anything for her.”
Jessica stared at him, disgusted “You get off on the power trip of controlling women”
“Yes” said the Farsh-nuke “This is why the Logicios can employ me when I have the capacity to murder them all so easily. They can offer me a ready supply of women to tame.”
Jessica shuddered as a nasty thought crossed her mind “I’m payment aren’t I?”
The Farsh-nuke sucked his teeth thoughtfully then said “No. No, I have more than enough payment. You are something special. There is a certain ineffable quality about you. You, in your heart, are already mine. The deeds just have yet to be exchanged.”
Jessica arched her eyebrows “I bet you say that to all the drinks.”
“Ha!” cried the drink in a sudden fit of giggles.
The Farsh-nuke looked his drink with mild concern “Don’t worry, it’s just the giggles as her body acclimatises to the lack of oxygen, in a few minutes it will pass and I can finish her off in peace.”
The drink stared at Jessica and tried to focus then burst out laughing.
“And then what happens?” asked Jessica “Do you take her home and stick her in the fridge or does she get butchered once she’s drained of blood?”
The Farsh-nuke shrugged “The waiter will take her back to her room where she can rest and recover. Sylphs are marvellously resilient things. They have practical immortality you know?”
Jessica was annoyed “No, I don’t know actually Farsh-nuke or whatever your name is. I don’t know anything except that I am apparently a fly having lunch with a spider.”
The Farsh-nuke laughed at that “I’ve always seen myself as more of a shark actually but good metaphor.”
“And anyway what do you mean I already belong to you?” said Jessica, quite annoyed now.
The Farsh-nuke said “Look it’s hard to explain because I can’t even fully understand it but I can sense your soul and there is something of the sylph about it, something that bares my mark. I don’t need another sylph you understand. I want to do this to honour you with a painless transition to being a pet but I intended to hand you over to the Logicios with the rest of them.”
“Only you can’t because you think you already own me?” said Jessica “Like you feel mystically obliged to be my caretaker until you understand what is going on?”
The Farsh-nuke thought for a second then said “Yes. It’s more complicated than that but basically yes.”
“Well that’s something at least” said Jessica “Then can I have access to Netflix and proper bathroom.”
“Your wish is my command” said the Farsh-nuke “Let me finish my drink first though yeah?”
Jessica watched as the Farsh-nuke sucked down on the straw until the blood stopped flowing.
“There, she’s dry” said the Farsh-nuke and he laid his drink carefully down on the ground “Come on, lets get you back in your cage.”
Jessica shrugged and followed, at least she was probably safe now.
The next day the Farsh-nuke took her out to dinner again, this time the drink was a ginger called Sammy. He explained that Sylphs were created as a means of survival for a dying race and as such they were designed to be a superspecies that was too useful not to keep alive. They lived 250 years without aging per pill. They were made more beautiful. They were made smarter, better, faster, stronger and to be the best pets and most exploitable cattle.
The day after a brunette called Rachel was the drink and he explained that the Logicios were a super powered supernerds founded by a version of him from a different universe and that they patrolled the multiverse, keeping it safe and at the same time fought a forever war with a race called the Septagonoids, beings of pure logic. This entire sorry colonisation was to create reinforcements for the war.
“You still haven’t told me who you are?” said Jessica when the Farsh-nuke again took her to dinner.
The Farsh-nuke pondered “Haven’t I?”
Then the waiter arrived and the Farsh-nuke ordered Sally for his drink and Jessica had her usual J20.
“No, you haven’t.” said Jessica “You have very deliberately avoided talking about yourself.”
The Farsh-nuke shrugged “Well there’s really not much to tell. I came to be as a mistake of logic in the multiverse, spent a few universe time spans as a crazy god then a woman begged me to eat her soul and I became more enamored with the passions of the flesh until the empire of the seven caught me, tried me and executed me. My soul was squirrelled away by a man named Professor Logicity and used to give a still born child another chance at life. I was reborn Cedric Gibbons, devoured a woman when I lost my virginity and then the man and the god joined and I ruled as dictator of my world until a woman stole my heart and I became an adventuring hero. Then the Logicios turned up and offered me this job. Been their hired man ever since.”
Jessica sat in stunned silence until the waiter arrived with the drinks.
Sally cried out ecstatically “Oh hey! You’ve not been tamed yet!? I knew you’d be a tough nut to crack.”
The waiter looked like a deer in the headlights as Sally spoke.
The Farsh-nuke returned the waiter’s gaze with one of calm seriousness and he guided Sally to her chair.
Jessica laughed “You’re surprised?”
“Well yeah, the girls have been betting that you’d be collared on their watches but I knew you were tough” said Sally
The Farsh-nuke silently held his palm out towards the waiter, tranquil fury in his eyes.
The waiter nervously handed over a number 5 straw.
Jessica laughed “You’ve been betting on my chance of being tamed by him.”
“Well yeah but I knew you were tough” said Sally
The Farsh-nuke stabbed the straw through Sally’s jugular and started drinking.
The waiter smiled in mock cheeriness “And what will we be having today?”
Jessica pondered the menu then said “I’ll have the combo please”
The waiter nodded and turned his gaze to the Farsh-nuke and swallowed “Sir?”
“Rump, steak, rare, with a saveloy, crackling and onion rings” said the Farsh-nuke as though he were personally enunciating the worst insult ever.
The waiter nodded and said “You’ll be served by my colleague Michelle later, okay?”
“Not a problem” said the Farsh-nuke
The waiter nodded and left with his head held high.
Jessica stared at Sally as she silently enjoyed waves of pleasure more potent than orgasms. “Do you reckon we could take her with us once we’re done? I’d quite like to hang out with her.”
“Hang out?” asked the Farsh-nuke as if the concept was alien to him.
“Yes, you know talk to, play with, get to know? Be a person with?” said Jessica “Like what we’re doing but with less of the predatory grooming.”
The Farsh-nuke laughed at that “I suppose I could allow it but I’m not really the person you need to ask.”
Jessica smirked at that “Doesn’t hurt to ask permission from the organ grinder. Sally, would you mind spending tomorrow with me?”
Sally stirred “Yes, I think that should be fine. I do worry that I’ll make you tamer though.”
Jessica was a bit taken aback at that so she decided to ask the man who was supposedly taming her “Well, does she have a point?”
The Farsh-nuke smirked “Yes, probably.”
Jessica stared at the Farsh-nuke then asked “In your professional opinion how long do I have left?”
The Farsh-nuke shrugged “You’ll be asking to be turned by the end of the week.”
Jessica’s mouth dropped open “You’re kidding me?”
The Farsh-nuke shrugged.
The waitress arrived with the food.
They ate in silence but when the Farsh-nuke drained Sally dry he used his magic wand, apparently called a quantum oscillator, to carry her sleeping form to Jessica’s cage.
The next day Jessica and Sally hung out and Jessica learned what it meant to be a sylph from a sylph.
They went to dinner together with the Farsh-nuke.
Sally ate a jacket potato with cheese while the Farsh-nuke drank a punk with green hair called Ne’fliss.
That night the Farsh-nuke asked the questions and Jessica answered. She was an estate agent of 5 years. She was thirty and had gone to university intending to be an actress. Her father was missing, presumed a bellend. Her mother was a crackhead living in a housing estate. Her grandparents raised her but they were both dead now. She liked steampunk literature and loved the napoleonic era. Her favourite Doctor was 8 and favoured the rap scene.
The Farsh-nuke listened to all this with great interest and Jessica actually felt really good telling her life story to this madman.
That night, as Sally decided to stay behind with the comatose Ne’fliss Jessica asked “Can you find me a pair of bikinis like that but in emerald green?”
The Farsh-nuke visibly strained to look disinterested “I could do.”
Jessica laughed “I’m not asking you out, I just want to try them on, see howv they make me feel.”
“Run” said the Farsh-nuke with a whisper “Run and get the hell away from me.”
Just when Jessica thought she knew the Farsh-nuke he had thrown her again “What do you mean?”
The Farsh-nuke looked like a man fighting with his demons as he forced out “You ever read the bible? Noticed any inconsistencies? Wondered why that was?”
The Farsh-nuke slapped his face with his right hand “Sometimes the god and the man have a disagreement. Right now the god wants you wrapped up in a nice neat bow, all ready to be handed off to the Farsh-nuke of this universe, but I, Cedric, think you deserve better. Run Jessica, run and do not look back.”
Jessica stared at him “But I thought you wanted this?”
Cedric took a deep breath and said through gritted teeth “Jessica I love you and I cannot let this man sign away your agency you are better than this.”
Jessica was flabbergasted “Do you really mean that?”
“Yes” said Cedric “Now go!”
Jessica kissed Cedric on the cheek and ran.
A moment later the Farsh-nuke resolved the conflict within himself and cried “Jessica! No! Wait!”
Jessica had no idea where she was going, all she knew was that she had to get the hell away from the Farsh-nuke. She went deeper and deeper into the bowls of the ship in her desperation to escape until finally after what must have been hours she threw open a door and was greeted by -
“Joshua Cornell!” cried Jessica in surprise upon seeing her one time fuck at the door with a machine gun and a massed army of revolutionaries.
Joshua was ever so slightly taken aback but recovered quickly “Where is the Farsh-nuke, Jess?”
Now the penny dropped and Jessica ran back up the ship followed by the army.
They found the Farsh-nuke screaming into a mirror.
“Cedric?” asked Jessica nervously
The Farsh-nuke cackled back at her from the mirror “He lied to you. This was never about love. This was about control and power. If I had tamed you then I could have bribed your owner, could have convinced him to turn upon his comrades. But instead he senses an opportunity for betrayal, to send you scurrying off to invite the revolutionaries in before I’m ready, before you’re ready. There’s no hope of stamping out this revolution now, no hope of a quiet life maintaining order and taming sylphs. Bastard!”
Jessica swallowed down her feelings and asked “Why would he do that?”
Cedric turned from the mirror and sighed “I liked being a hero. I liked saving lives and being a badass. This, this domination, it’s dull. I have never been so bored. I like having problems to solve, not just bugs to squish.”
Then Cedric looked Jessica in the eyes and said “That’s what made the difference tonight. He had to ask you about your life to tame you but he found it boring. I meanwhile found your life fascinating and that’s how I was able to take control. Your life, short and sweet and intricate. There’s something majestic about it that he can’t understand”
Then Cedric met Joshua’s gaze “Take good care of her you, understand? She’s a good girl and if you ever wrong her I will take great pleasure in killing you.”
Joshua nodded “I’ll do my best old man, thank you for keeping her safe while I was gone”
Cedric nodded and started to tear up.
Jessica asked “I don’t understand what’s happenning? Why’s he crying?”
Sally squeezed Jessica’s hand “The Logicios won’t let him back unless there was sufficient sign of failure.”
“Run Jessica” said Cedric, biting back tears “You don’t want to see what happens when Farsh-nuke’s fight.
Jessica ran. She ran with Sally and tried her best to pretend she coulddn’t hear Cedric screaming.
Jessica must have passed out from exhaustion because the next thing she knew she was back in her cage. Sally lay beside her.
“Were you watching me sleeping?” asked Jessica
Sally shrugged “He figured it was better that you didn’t wake up alone”
Jessica nodded understanding as the memories of the night before flooded her brain “Smart man, so what happens now?”
Sally shrugged “I guess you get ready and I let him know.”
Jessica shrugged and showered when she exited she found an emerald green bikini waiting for her. She gladly dressed in it and approached the cage door where she was lifted out by a quantum oscillator.
She stood before Joshua awkwardly for a moment as they each looked each other over.
Joshua coughed “If I had known...”
Jessica shook her head, rapped her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek “Honey, you’re king of the world”
Joshua nodded and looked away awkwardly “I’m not really the sort to rule you know? I’m a bit thick really. I could sort of do with someone to advise me, you er, you wouldn’t happen to know anyone would you?”
Jessica grinned “I may do, you wouldn’t happen to know anyone who wants a six foot tall blonde as a pet sylph would you?”
Joshua smirked “Oh I might know someone, shall we go shopping?”
Jessica returned the smirk “Your wish is my command”
Jessica and Joshua toured the shops picking out everything they wanted and then at the end of the day Joshua dropped a small innocent looking white pill onto a saucer during dinner.
“May I?” asked Jessica, gesturing to the pill.
Joshua laughed “Yes!”
Jessica washed down the pill with a glug of J20.