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Wednesday, 29 July 2015

I had a dream...

I had a dream...


Alexander Gordon Jahans

Fetishes are subjective. You may think tv series, videogames or films are subjective but there at least a common consensus can be agreed upon to determine quality. Fetishes are niches so subjective there are no commonalities to judge against. At least aside from the basic morality of consent. This post contains reference to fetishes, the author assumes everyone is sensible enough to understand that fetishes are a highly personal thing and that when they are talked about everyone understands that the author is talking from their limited perspective on a subjective matter and not in fact generalising. 

So that said...

I have felt conflicted about my fetishes for a long time, partly out a desire to be normal, partly because writing about it in my fiction and talking about that has revealed that certain feminists find it problematic and partly because of an innate self loathing that says that something that makes me feel so good has to be wrong somehow. I have struggled with this almost my entire life and it has always been because of one core problem: Are these fetishes practical?

Practicality might seem an absurd question to have about fetishes, I mean I am aware of fetishes that defy biology, survival instincts and the laws of physics, if you can get off on it, what's the problem?

Well lets start with my first fetish microphilia that arose out of a very weird dream I had as a kid where I was basically god watching over a house of women, I don't know maybe I'd played a bit too much of the Sims but once I realized I had the fetish I researched it and it became fixated in my mind with a very simplistic narrative namely a women shrinks for whatever reason and needs to be looked after by a hero or heroine who comes to their rescue. I actually still think it's quite a fun pulpy storyline concept as you have the mad science of how the shrinking occurs and then the zany hijinks of adjusting to a radically different lifestyle but as a fetish it lost its lustre because of how utterly impossible it was. Although thinking back perhaps the very impossibility of it made it a safe enough scenario in which to start thinking about relating to women because being an autistic loser kid bullied every day does not exactly give you the confidence to seriously think about women in the romantic sense even if back then I did actually have a girlfriend.

Anyway so I wanted to transition to something milder and something more possible. It's quite ridiculous risky, this snotty nosed loser fat kid analysing his microphilia fetish and saying "Well there's a woman in danger saved by a hero who keeps her like a hamster in a cage, what's that similar to? I know a cat or a dog" I suppose I'm lucky I hadn't got into the supernatural or the Discworld yet or I might have ended up aroused by werewolves. 

Anyway I decided on how I wanted to transition my fetish to a watered down more realistic thing in quite a cynical move but then I had to come up with a reason that the woman would need to be kept as a pet, hence the creation of the sylph pill in my fiction, I literally created an entire subspecies that I genuinely want to try and tell quite interesting stories with because I wanted an excuse to have a microphilia type fetish that did not involve shrinking. This has been a cornerstone of my sexuality ever since. The idea that people could become pets. In my stories I have explored a lot of aspects of this other relationship type and I do feel now that there is enough lore for it to not just be an excuse to have this fetish anymore but it's actually this very complex position within the fictional societies. I mean there's the story of how this magic drug came into being, the story of how the magic drug is exploited by the corrupt and the story of how society comes to terms with and accepts people being pets into society as an integral aspect of it.

I have become I suppose quite protective and proud of my idea as I do feel that I have rather accidentally stumbled upon a way to tell a unique version of the struggle for human rights, sexual identity and understanding one's own self. Quite worthy and weighty themes that I think any writer should feel proud that they can tackle. 

There is of course another level in that they have helped me come to understand myself. With the concept of the sylph I could come to terms with love and lust and jealousy, of possessiveness and submissiveness and I am far wiser now than I was before I created sylphs. It's not just that sylphs are a blank slate and interesting concept to me as a writer that helped me do this, it's that they are in many ways a typical relationship without the need to have sex. Something that I now understand is very important because of course, thanks the genetic mutation effectively hitting pause on puberty by stopping the testosterone production, I am a full on red blooded male who can get attracted to people and fall in love but at present I can not orgasm. In a world where sylphs exist my little problem doesn't have to be a problem because there's still meet cutes, awkward dates, moving in together, a legally recognised pairing and a relationship that involves relationship specific touching and getting to see your partner naked. Sex itself just isn't a factor, in fact it's taboo. For my very specific problems that I've only recently found out about it's almost the perfect fetish infact. Convenient that.

So now that I have explained my fetishes to satisfy the curious lets talk about why I wanted to write this highly personal blog post. Well recall a blog post I wrote recently called Blast! My Sexuality! In it I expressed how the testosterone replacements had upped my lust to a seriously distracting extent and how I wanted an exorcism to get rid of the hot chicks hogging my attention, well I had a dream...

I had a dream that I was at some socialite party and a nice woman started talking to me, one thing led to another and well she became my sylph but she felt lonely because a technohermit is not exactly the most outgoing of individuals to spend the rest of your life with so she insisted we go to another socialite party and while attempting to convince someone to become my sylph I accidentally ended up getting asked out by them and she had a mate who wanted to become a sylph (apparently actresses like to take the pill because it means they can keep acting for longer, yes I am so cynical even my wildest fantasies feature moments of dark satire). One thing led to another and we ended up a family of four.

As dreams go it's rather pedestrian but its importance lies in what it achieved. It allowed me to unify my fetish for sylphs with my burgeoning desire for a proper girlfriend. I mean the world's a big place and the internet makes niches easier to find. Maybe it would be possible to find a woman who'd want to wear a collar and hang out and maybe it would be possible to find a girlfriend open enough for that kind of relationship. Not saying it's likely but it's possible and to someone who likes to solve problems that's almost enough to know that if I cared and tried and was patient enough it could happen. What is far more notable though is that the dream exorcised my demons. I am no longer constantly distracted by hotchicks. It's like I flew through the sound barrier, massive insane pressure, a really big explosion of energy and then... nothing. Quiet again. I have crossed the hot chick barrier and I am out the other side able to think clearly again.

Also and I realise this may seem like a non-sequitur but I want to end this on a high note. Part of the reason why this year and this illness has been so rough is the realisation that I have a tiny cock, sorry if that's news, well now that I have passed through the hot chick barrier, my dick is consistently increasing in size. Hope springs eternal, this is a brave new world and one day soon I may actually be able to come. A conventional relationship may actually be possible in the future. I find that so exceedingly awesome. Love finds a way.

Also to any future girlfriend or boyfriend who might be watching this, yes I really am this shamelessly honest. Sorry about that.

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