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Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Immorality is bigger than any one off us

The fat white man screams, screams at a world gone mad, a world rife with racism, sexism and corruption but still the world hurtles through space, turning as the ice caps melt, the planet overheats and so many species become extinct.

That was me, that still is me.

I have always prided myself on my morality and it has been a crutch in hard times but recently it has become a problem. First by being the last thing that I truly believe and trust in and so naturally the thing sod's law determines must be the source of my woes. Lately though I have looked upon myself and found myself wanting.

The man who refuses to side with Stormcloaks or the Vampires in Skyrim even for a challenge to spice up a familiar game finds himself wanting in the important areas of social politics. I lay myself bare to you now. I am part of the problem. I am woefully ignorant regarding issues of race and this ignorance leads to not writing enough characters who aren't white for fear of getting it drastically wrong, though I well understand how appalling the racism in America is.  I still feel the childhood fear and suspicion of anyone who does not conform to traditional definitions of gender and sexuality however much I try to fight it. Something deeply ironic considering my own condition.

Perhaps most damningly though I have realised that the dreams and fantasies that sate what little sexuality I have while under this condition are the stuff of women's nightmares, they'd have to be.

I was sold a story of brave heroes fighting off great foes and challenges so they might be with the ones they love. I was sold on a very specific definition of beauty. I was made to fetishise that narrative and definition of beauty out of a desire to conform to the patriarchal obsession with women and for now at least it appears I am stuck that way. I can choose to stay enlightened and distance myself from those urges but the fetish is like a drug bringing happiness, confidence and emotional well being.

I think I can stand objectively distanced and judge myself morally as distasteful but safe if the fantasies remain as fantasies and it is possible that this fetishistic crutch may not be needed once I receive treatment for my condition and I could learn to love and deal with love in the true socially acceptable way but passing judgement on hopes to be better is unwise. In that case I am as yet as sexist as the society I have issues with.

Part of me dearly wants to be accepted by feminists, to write a great feminist master piece but my writing is driven too much by lust, nerdy fascination with the impossible and pulpy heroism. I have thought laterly that perhaps it is arrogance and insecurity to think that I could write a feminist magnum opus. There will come a time when feminism strides across popular culture as female writers make hay off their own fantasies and the people who object will be jokes like ukip. Maybe I will even have some small part of it as a fan at a convention but I know now that I am contaminated by my upbringing and so can only lend my voice in support and nor my writing however much I will try.

There is but one thing that gives me pause and hope. A quiet barely noticable understanding in the media that people are weird and that's okay. As Jim Fucking Stirling Son once said on a Podquisition casually "No in all fairness there's too much negative shit flying around about what people do to get off so get on with your bad self" (quoting from memory, may not be the exact wording)

From the otherkin on tumblr to the guy in Iain M Banks's Matter who became a shrub there is a growing awareness that people are not limited to one definition of human identity. Something that is understandably laughable today but may not be so in the future. Taking liberalism to its extremes, if we developed the technology, I could see a world where unicorns and dragons walk the earth, or earths if we colonise other planets. Make no mistake some kind of cyber revolution is coming where we will build computers into ourselves to improve ourselves and when you have that technology and mindset why not become a unicorn or a dragon? Even today there are people who, as I do, are satisfied in reality by fantasies beyond current possibility. Indeed entertaining the fantastic as real seems to have overlap with feminism. In such a trans-human world maybe my fantasies would not seem so strange.

Or maybe I am just irredeemably bizarre? Whatever the case I think I am seeing that this problem is far bigger than any one man. We need to create a future where men and woman and trans-humanists unicorns are not programmed by culture to see man as the hero, woman as the live interest and white as the default skin colour. I say that not as some idiot pretending he is a great prophet for change but as an idiot corrupted by society hoping to help future generations avoid corruption.

Forgive me friends for I have sinned.

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