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Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Thank you

So today Chuggaaconroy's let's play of Xenoblade Chronicles finished and it moved me. It really moved me. The series is 100 episodes long at the moment and has thus been part of my life for a while. I'm still kind of processing it being over and was just reading the different special tv tropes pages on it and am about to read the full trope breakdown as my final act of catharsis on it but this really hit home for me.

I am a nerdy atheist who has always felt like a loner and a loser even when chatting with friends and when times get tough I revert to selfish pragmatism. This is something I do out of necessity because I kind of expect betrayal. I expect to be left in the dirt. Recently things have been tough, partly because of hard choices I made, and I have started to lapse towards christianity. Towards the comforting fiction of an omniscient benevolent god who has a plan for everyone and isn't to be found in the bible or real life. The ending of Xenoblade Chronicles with the reveal of an atheistic universe and the choice of friendship over gods has taken a while to sink in as it is fairly subtle but I finally get the message.

I have withdrawn from the world and become insular and selfish as things have gotten tough but my friends have not abandoned me and my family has not abandoned me. I finally see that and finally understand. The idea that I am not alone in my suffering is no longer an insult at my genetic and situational privilege but a comforting fact. I have friends who are willing to stand by me even when they have their own problems and I am being a dick to them. That means a lot. I need to be a better friend and stop acting like I am alone in the universe because I'm not.

Thank you. All of you. You stood by me when I was losing a fight against my own self loathing, thank you.