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Tuesday, 27 January 2015

So what's so difficult about things?

I'm no stranger to sadness, betrayal, loneliness and the daily wondering if maybe today I'll do the deed that ends my suffering. Granted on prior occasions my family was still a single unit and I didn't have to suffer the bad days of my father on my own but never the less there really is no right for this to be hitting me so hard. I have good friends and I am cultured enough to keep my life entertaining even in darkness so why is this so hard? Why is this depression and not merely living in a hellish situation? What makes now so different in school?

In school I was a child, a second class citizen to be rounded up upon running away and ignored when I crowed each day about the solution to my troubles, there was a sentence to be carried out, years to be endured. It felt so artificial and in many ways it was, I could end the pain by just not going to school and basically did. It was psychologically damaging but again that psychological damage was tied to specific areas that I could avoid.

My problem now is on the one hand a lack of money and thus a reliance on parents that you may have gathered I don't exactly have a good history with and on the other a physical blight that affects how I see myself and how the world sees me. There is no simple solution. No magic bullet. No way to just leave my problems in Woking. I survived in the past by focusing on surviving as that was all I could do but now I have to not just survive but thrive. While battling against depression and shame about my body I need to forge a life great enough for the depression to go away and that is far harder than it sounds. Making friends and getting jobs requires confidence, something I do not have and can't really fake.

I am realising now just how much I need to fight to make this happen and how much I really can if I put my heart and mind to it but I worry that I'm too weak. That the struggle to survive before was so tough and daunting that doing it again would break me. I feel like someone who has experienced something horrific and is forced to relive it. It's tough.

Youtube keeps me going, my blog keeps me going. I mean here is a success story within the blighted times. These sites could only recently start making money and already they are. That is the surest evidence that there must be some worth in continuing this stuff, in trying to make money from the media. I cling to that hope like a life raft in stormy seas. I know the dangers and realities of making money from youtube but it is still something, some proof that I am worth something.

So thank you. Thank you, my friends. I hope you are enjoying my pulp series and I look forward to the day that I start getting comments on my blog. You really are amazing, all of you.