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Friday, 17 October 2014

Moments of weakness

Big guy. Strong guy. Young Guy. Serious Guy. You're ignorant. You're Arrogant. You dare to work in the media. To turn down benefits on moral principles, Now you bend. Now you break. Now you cave to the wishes of the masses. Now you foul, repugnant, disgusting, offensive and pathetic disgrace shall give the masses what they want and grab that butcher's knife to finish the job and destroy the last of your life.

Moments of Weakness
Alex Jahans

  Not everyday can be a good day, not everybody can be fair in their criticisms. Especially not on the internet, the land where sadists hide behind anonymity and hack the private details of those they deem unworthy. It feels like admitting your faults and letting your weaknesses show on the internet is akin to slitting your wrists in a sharkploitation movie, there will be a frenzy as you die a slow and horrifically painful death.

Well I'm having a bad day. I've been having a bad year all told but today especially kicked me low and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Just writing that sends a shiver down my spine as I can feel sadistic trolls lick their lips in excitement. That's the truth though., I feel wretched and horrible and all I can think of is how trolls and the wise would scream in my face about why this is reason 3 million and 23 of why I deserve to die cold and alone. And if I do happen to develop a thick skin to defend myself from these psychological attacks I know there will be the wise with the sound and legitimate reasons necessary to destroy my resistance and let pain overwhelm me.

I guess I'm lucky though, through my fictional heroes I have developed a kind of back up personality to let the real me cease to be while allowing work to still be done. I do the job that's in front of me and fight issues that crop up while dead inside because is the alternative is to just lie gibbering in the corner while all 3 million reasons why I suck are screamed at me by my subconscious. So I can take the trolls and the wise. I can handle any clusterfuck that comes my way. It causes me to make more mistakes than usual so isn't a flawless system let alone a nice way to live but it holds. It stops the internal chaos and lets work continue.

Others are not so lucky, they don't have something to hold them up and keep them going when apathy and self loathing have cut their strings so if you can reserve your sadistic ire wherever possible and listen to your mate's problems no matter how confident and sorted he seems then maybe we can all support each other better in our moments of weakness.

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