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Monday, 28 January 2013

American Beauty Review

What a pretentious piece of shit!

Oh don't get me wrong I know that's pot calling the kettle black but at least when I'm being pretentious there's some actual action going on. I may make a diatribe about how we treat pets is wrong but at least I add some dramatic tension courtesy of a cannibalistic anti-hero.

This movie plays out like a very bad episode of My Family and expects me to feel moved.

The very best I can say about this movie is that it MIGHT be self aware as at one point we watch two people watching video of a paper bag blowing in the wind as a drug dealing stalker of a boyfriend talks about the beauty of the world,

Don't get me wrong I know the complex science and mathematical equations that explain why the bag is moving the way it does is beautiful but the bag moving in the wind itself? That's rubbish. Literally rubbish. And the film calls back to that moment in the end as if it's some big and important revelation.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes Review


Wow! Just wow!
This is a powerful movie.
James Franco gives off a powerful performance.
The CG is top notch.
Caesar really feels like a fully fledged character and his story is a real rollercoaster.
John Lithgow gives an amazing performance and Tom Felton is slimier and more unlikable that he ever was in Harry Potter because here he really feels like a real person, instead of a moustache twirling villain.
The premise is a little like Deep Blue Sea and the events of Bloodheat. What with making the monster of the movie intelligent in an attempt to cure Alzeimer's and a virus being used to wipe out the human population.

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Batman and Robin Review

This a bad movie, a cheesy movie, a movie with a large ham villain and a ridiculous plot. but it's got a sense of humour. Those shitty pun jokes Mr Freeze always makes is the movie's way of saying "Yeah this is stupid but we're having fun".

It is a damn sight better than Batman Returns and I actually kind of enjoyed it. 

Friday, 25 January 2013

Batman Forever

This film is stupid. Doctor Who stupid.

The villains are such scenery chewing large hams, the costumes are ridiculous, the plot nonsensical but by Zarquon I love it.

This film is fabulous and wonderfully hilarious. It's not like Batman Returns where they're expecting you to find a world of penquin people and a cat person serious, terrifying and foreboding. This is pure campy fun.

Val Kilmer is a fantastic Bruce Wayne and Batman. He humanizes Batman and hardens Bruce Wayne. A terriffic actor.

Chris O'Donnel as Robin is inspired and I love his character and the in-jokes 'Holey Rusted Metal, Batman!' floored me.

Nicole Kidman is a fantastic actress and plays the best love interest for a Batman I've yet to see. She isn't just a pretty face, she's strong and intelligent but really has a kind of bile fantasy when it comes to Batman and its one I can understand. The things that frighten us and terrify us are the things that fascinate us and drive us. Plus on the less cerebral level she's a damn site hotter than the love interests in Batman Begins, Dark Knight, Batman or Batman Returns IMHO.

Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face doesn't get anything like the brilliant depth of character or origin Harvey Dent had in the Dark Knight but he was fun and evil with a brilliant explanation at the beginning of his psychoses.

Jim Carrey as The Riddler is hilarious and kind of realistic. I know that seems like a stupid thing to say since it's Jim Carrey Unleashed but his motivation as a cloud cuckoolander ego maniac who took his man-crush turning him down badly is something that I think many a fanboy has had to deal with at some point and indeed at the beginning his portrayal as the fanboy nerd is rather like Lee Evan's Portrayal tas the Doctor's fanboy in Planet of the Dead.

Honestly I prefer this film over The Dark Knight. I know that it's crap compared to the technical and acting brilliance of The Dark Knight but this was my kind of film, stupid but fun.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Batman Returns

This is a horrifically bad film. The only good thing about it is the music score.

Catwoman's origin makes no sense and an explanation is only barely handwaved as "Umm, cat's ate her so she has the soul of a cat" or some bullcrap along those lines. When we're first introduced to Selina Kyle she's almost a parody of a sexist interpretation of women. She's clumsy, says the wrong things, has a bad memory,  is left by a man and opines not having a man in her life. Even if you look past the clear negative portrayal of the only woman of any real note in this film then there's the fact that her initial attitude is more like Peter Parker than it is Catwoman. Catwoman is strong, sexy and independant, like a cat. Selinea Kyle in this film is none of those things.

The Penguin is hilariously bad, being more like the Moriarty to Batman's Sherlock Holmes than he is a shrewd and corrupt rich man. Going for the whole distorted mirror thing is a great way to create a nemesis for a hero but penguins? Seriously? Penguins are eaten by shark food. They are not in anyway intimidating. The Penguin being a penguin man is grotesque and horrifying sure but the film never tries to use that to its advantage.

Christopher Walken as Shreck is given some horrendous material but he plays the part so hammily that the film almost becomes so bad it's good.

Michael Keaton's return as Batman is as excellent as it was in the last film and it's nice to see Batman be the straight man but why on earth was this film called Batman Returns and not something like Batman II The Catwoman, The Penguin and Christopher Walken. The film is not about him and he never left so why Batman Returns. Again I lament the lack of exposition regarding his gadgets though an explanation is shown if not told.

This feels like much more of a Tim Burton film, far more gothic and far worse because of it. Batman is a dude who dresses up in a techno suit, Catwoman is a cat burglar and the Penguin is a fraudster. It looks stupid when you ramp up the melodrama and turn things gothic. Batman Returns is not frankenstein. It is not a film about mobs armed with pitchforks and flaming torches chasing down monsters. Nor is it a film about ghosts and horrifying monsters we cannot hope to understand. This is a film about a penguin man. It is shit.